NOTE: As threatened, the following is a repeat. But, it’s a repeat from 2014 so that’s something from like three years ago (I have mad math skills, yo). Do any of you remember where you were three years ago? Hell, Trump was still just a rich orange guy on TV back then (wasn’t he? I didn’t watch much TV). Anyway, as I said then and will say again: if they can play “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” every year, I can foist reruns upon an unsuspecting public every now and then. Mostly now.
Remember: if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you.
I haven’t changed all that much, because some things are still timely (e.g., Rosie in a thong) and I’ll put in new pictures. So, it’s like new anyway. Think Chevy Cavalier with a new paint job.
"You know, we've been doing this Great Pumpkin thing since 1966.
Maybe we should change the title to
It's Time For a Colonoscopy, Charlie Brown.
A little hair on the nut sack would be nice, too."
Halloween. What a hoot.
Yes, I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly drenched in satanic roots and all manner of horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals: ghosts, goblins, witches, Anthony Weiner, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, blah, blah, blah.
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (who could be Steve Bannon, for all I know), the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Harvest Festivals”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
Hand-wringing ninnies also prefer that children not dress up as
traditionally spooky characters. Instead, they dress their tykes as
non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or
“Blue Man Group.”
Or, the Richard Simmons
Oh, c’mon! I took my kids to a Halloween celebration a few years ago (NOTE: yeah, this post is that old) and not once did I feel the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers. After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.
The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander from door to door. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil or offends the politically-correct sensitivities of the chronically butthurt.
Halloween was a big deal when we were kids. I remember
Parents who were too slow to buy their kids
good costumes wound up giving them
the sucky Green Hornet one.
Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.
Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out: apples, popcorn balls, candy corn, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and pouches of Equal.
My friends and I couldn’t get enough of a great deal. So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be dark) until nine, we knocked on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY! Keep it clean, people!).
Our favorite was Christopher:
Patron Saint of the Most Holy Glazed.
This meant we could shove candy down our throats when we got home until we passed out, woke up, ate some Sugar Smacks, inhaled more Three Musketeers, watched cartoons, and made fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.
NOTE: This was the best part of having the day off because the public school kids were beating us up the rest of the year. Even the girls.
|Eventually, though, we had to leave the house.|
My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
You know why?
Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
|"Hey, I have wicked peanut allergies. Get off my ass."|