Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Captain Caption CXLII

"I was told I'd be the middle of a bush sandwich.
I expected twins.
Gotta admit, not a little disappointed."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Captain Caption CXLI

"Okay, Mrs. Smith, we're almost done.
One more look at your...what the...?
Is that...is that Bill Clinton!?"

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Be Careful What You Wish For

"Ever since Penwasser returned from his sabbatical, he hasn't
featured either Barry or me in a Captain Caption.

"Good grief!!
Can you be a bigger idiot!?"

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Captain Caption CXL

"Hey, is that the Good Humor man?
Cuz....I could really go for a fudgsicle."

Sunday, July 2, 2017


    Okay, I've used this before.  In fact, many "befores."  Sue me. 

     But, it always tickles me and, since it's Independence Day Weekend, I thought I'd use it yet again.

    NOTE:  Yes, yes, I know Independence Day* isn't until Tuesday and some people may actually have to go to work tomorrow, meaning that they didn't get to enjoy a long weekend.  I call these people "poor bastards."  

    But, I took a vacation day tomorrow and, combined with the fact that I have Fridays off in the summer, I have five straight days to...cut the grass, seed the lawn, vacuum the pool, clear some brush, wash the car, paint lawn furniture, and go to a baseball game. Which was rained out.

"Alright, lemme see if I got this right.  Washington gets ham and cheese with
lettuce and tomato on a kaiser, Jefferson ordered a turkey club with nothing but
dark meat...I heard that about you, Tom..., Adams wants liverwurst and onion
with spicy mustard...heads up...no one sits next to Adams, and Franklin...?
Says here you want fish and chips.  Fish and Chips!?
What the f...you do know why we're here, don't you, Ben?" 

    *I call it "Independence Day," rather than the 4th of July, because
And every month has 28 days!
You're welcome.

NOTE:  Comedy you don't have to pay for, folks.
EVERY other country has the 4th of July.  Oh, and I think it goes without saying that I'm talking about American Independence Day. A lot of other nations also celebrate independence, too, or have their own special day if they didn't actually gain their independence from anyone.   Way to go, England!

    Although....Independence Day commemorates when we dropped England like 3rd Grade Math.  Life can sometimes be ironic, no?

    For instance, I think yesterday was something called "Canada Day," where our friends to the North celebrate hockey, lumberjacks, Celine Dion, and the fact they don't have anyone called Trump running the show.  Not really sure of much more than that.  But, I can guarantee you it all went politely, eh?

"Excuse me, excuse me, how many Canadian hockey teams have won the Vince Lombardi Trophy?  It is a wonderful trophy, I might add...a beautiful testament to Italian-Americans everywhere, some of whom are my best friends, if I can be honest.  Oh, back to my question...NO Canadian teams have won that magnificent piece of hardware and not just just because that goes to football teams.  Hockey tries to win a cup from some poor sap who probably works for the New York Times called 'Stanley.'   Can you imagine...Stanley?  That's right.  I'm talking football, though, folks.  Football, which is what losers call a game which the important people call soccer.  Losers in Europe, proving they're not man...or woman, don't forget the women, I love women, all women... to strap on a helmet and slug it out to make sports great again.   Seriously, though, what is hockey?  Just some thing with guys called GUY ...which is pronounced GEE, HARD G, not SOFT G...hee...hee...hee...thank God, amirite?...can you imagine?...racing around with knives on their feet and wearing sweaters trying to whack a little piece of plastic, a very little piece, if I can be frank?  It's only something to watch between football season and baseball season, anyway.  So, I say, let Canada have hockey.  While they're at it, they could take Whoopi and Rosie off our hands, too.


"Huh, willya lookit this?
President Trump is in trouble for making a joke about erectile dysfunction."