|You touch one of their trees, they'll even toss your corpse out.|
|Probably shouldn't mention their "No Alcohol" policy.|
|Good thing I had a red solo cup|
"And here we are in front of the Liberty Bell...hey, who's that idiot tying his shoe?
Then, oh I love this, the building where they signed the Constitution.Hey, wouldn't it great if we could schedule a photo op where you could urinate on a copy?
Then, you and me in front of the Rocky statue. Looks like Michelle...oops, I can be so bad.
Finally, a trip to the zoo. Did you have to fly around the primate exhibit,
though, you big frikkin' showoff?
I'll never be able to get the monkey poop off my clothes.
Especially since I can't use water."
NOTE: For those of you who are Facebook friends, hope you noticed the inside joke.
|Of course, I'll now probably need to surrender my Guy Card to the Gender Police. |
|Of course, this is a reversed angle which I used for the shot. |
Or I had my shorts on backward.
Which could be the case.
|"I know! |
India is where all the Indians came
from in those cowboy movies!"
|As long as they're in bed by nine and eat plenty of fiber.|
|"Because we are French Canadian |
and, thus, better than
you English-speaking types."
|"Crikey, this blows. |
Shoulda worn my shorts."
|As you can tell, Portugal got screwed.|
|"And those damn kids better pass right on by, too. |
Incidentally, the raft is mine."
|"Oh yeah? Well, at least we know which countries are in Asia. |
And where to find Pokemon characters, round eyes!"
|"OUTTA MY WAY! HE'S TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF!"|
|"Trust me, if this Supreme Court gig doesn't work out, |
you can always go back to being Doug.
From King of Queens."
|"Wait. I thought I was Doug.|
From King of Queens."
|"And I'm Jake.|
From State Farm."
|"I'll bet you that, if I aim just right, I'll be able to hit my horse right in the frikkin' skull. That'll sure teach those Je...hey, wait, that can't be right. Oh, well, I'll just go marry my sister instead."|
|"Shoot, yew say that lahk it's a bad thing."|
|"Budweiser-Official Beer of Inner City Rioting Since 1876."|
|"I think it's a play on words. I think he's calling you 'poop.'"|
|"I can't think of anybody more qualified to be in Captain Caption, believe me. Penwasser would be an idiot if he didn't use me more and more, because if anyone makes people laugh more than me, it's me. I will make Penwasser Place great again because I'm a businessman who knows how to win. In fact, you're going to get sick of winning, and laughing, or both. You'll throw up from laughing so much. Or after seeing those nudie pics of me. Whatever.|
|"Speaking of, you get that fatwa on Penwasser in the mail?"|
"DEATH TO AMERICA!"
"So, that's a yes?"
|"Hey, I have to tell you, that if I wrote it, |
it would be the most beautiful book you ever read.
And I wouldn't even need verbs, that I can tell you.
Because verbs can be lying wastes of time,
especially the predicate kind,
which I'm not even sure
what they are, to be honest.
But they're a waste of time, a waste of time.
But, pay no attention to Penwasser.
Mine would be YUGE!
The book. Not my hands.
Which have no resemblance to
any other department, believe me.
That's YUGE, too.
|Like these guys. |
Who are allowed to be in the Navy now.
Well, blow me down.
|But not as much fun to say|
|"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! |
|"It's about a whale, snowflake!!!"|
|By the way, this mess is still |
available on Amazon, too.
|"Oh, I'm not liking the sounds of that, boyo. |
Knuckles, if you please, Mr. Penwasser."
|"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!|
For those who are disappointed this isn't some sort of Penwasser Sex Book, might I offer the below example of inter-species love?
|"See? And you thought it was weird."|
|"Okay, let's see if I got this right. Washington will have roast beef |
on a kaiser roll with extra horseradish...Jefferson, turkey club on rye,
dark meat only, I heard that's how you like it, Tom...Adams, veggie,
no cheese, light wheat bread, with low fat Miracle Whip... sheesh!
Someone carrying your purse, Miss? And Franklin will have fish
and chips. What the f...fish and chips!? Seriously, Ben, do you
have any clue what the frik we're doing here?"
|Gateway alcohol to "Hey, who's up for shots?"|
|"Damn, why didn't I listen? Why??"|
|"Right on, bro."|
|"Does anyone have a camera?"|
|"If she needs a ride..."|
|This will be on the cover. |
Shades, get it?
Yeah, it's as funny as that.