Friday, January 29, 2016

There It Went

    Well, we're not completely done digging out, but the storm which was came, saw, and finally got the heck out after dumping thirty inches on my town.

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!"
    Of snow.

    Thanks to all of you who couldn't sleep because you were worried about me.  Yeah.  I know none of you did.  As I dug us out, I realize that I've reached an age where all those warnings about strained backs and exploding hearts don't seem nearly as outrageous as when I was in my 20s.  Back then, all I was concerned about was getting rid of the snow as quickly as possible. So I could rush out to the club so strange women could ignore me.
  
"Sorry.  You're not my type."
    Part of my post, Here It Comes outlined what exactly we should all go shopping for when faced with the snowy apocalypse.  One of those items was "Penis Pasta."  Part of the little phallic macaroni's allure is that it gets much bigger in water.  Unfortunately, that would be boiling water. So, this probably wouldn't be wise for all penises.  Don't ask me how I know.  Just have a feeling.

"Hey, willya lookit this?  It gets bigger in water."
"So, that's why you were molesting the tea kettle."
    Two of you commented on this.  Jo-Anne commented "Don't think I have ever seen penis-shaped pasta."  But, she also claims to have never seen kangaroos on Australian beaches, either.  Her claims may be invalid.
Unless the Internet is lying to us.
    Jeff Bushman of The High Cost of This Low Living also stated, "Nothing is as good as penis shaped pasta during a snow..."  At first, I was very frightened and determined to never go camping with him.  Then, he finished with, "...wait WTF did you just say?"

    Good save, Bushman.  Good save.

    Anyway, like I said, the snow is virtually all gone.  I now can move about freely.  My only problem?
What the frik am I supposed to do with a case of these?

Monday, January 25, 2016

Caption Caption LXXXI

"No, Grandma, you stupid cow.  They had their hands
  behind their heads.  Here, let Valerie show you how it's done."

Friday, January 22, 2016

Here It Comes

    As I write this, the weather report is full of doom, gloom, and dire warnings of the snowstorm rapidly approaching the East Coast. Children are at once thrilled at the prospect of frolicking in winter's magical white and hacked off that it's happening on a Saturday (meaning school will probably go on as scheduled Monday).   Grownups (and me) are peeved at the prospect of digging out from this annoyance.  But, after all, it IS January.  I suppose we should expect things like this.
Could be worse.
Consider the Donner Party in January, 1847.
Google it.  It's actually kinda sad.
    Except in Australia.  Times like this, I hate Australia.
"Up yours, mate.  G'day."
        The talking heads predict we'll get close to twelve inches.
    
"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!  DID YOU HEAR THAT??"
NOTE:  Seriously,is anyone surprised by this?
This is what's known as a 'comedy softball.'

    Better go the store and get some milk, eggs, bread, batteries, water, soap, plywood, kitty litter, canned soup, plywood, wax-coated matches, cereal, tuna fish, scouring pads,penis-shaped pasta, kindling, dirty mags, orange juice, fishing line, duct tape, matches, carpet steamer, baby formula, gumballs, snowmelt, frozen meatballs, ice cream, and booze.
"And lube.  Don't forget the lube."
    Well, this blog shows every indication that it's going to get out of control.  

    I'd better head to the store before they run out of the good ice cream.
"All they've got at Giant is Rum Raisin!!
I'd better go to Shop Rite!!"

    Meanwhile, my dog is unimpressed....



    Stay warm and dry, my friends.

    Australia?  Yeah, you're time's coming.

"In the meantime, though...nice jugs there, Sheila."


Monday, January 18, 2016

Captain Caption LXXX


"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."





Saturday, January 16, 2016

A Chip Off the Old Block

    As a couple of you know, my daughter, inspired by my unbelievable success as an author, has decided to create a Blog of her own.  

    Called Kenna's Korner, it is very similar to this hideous literary trainwreck.  Except it talks about things which millennials can more easily appreciate.  And it's in pink.  And she's not on a toilet.  

    So...there's that.
    
"King, I don't think the young people even know who we are,
but I really like that belt buckle."
"Thank you. Thank you very much."

  Anyway, to help her get her start, I offered to write a guest post over at her place.  It's my first stint as a guest poster, so I hope I helped her garner a little readership.
  
"Not James Garner, though.
Because I'm fairly sure I'm dead."

  If you're interested, why don't you all toddle over there and give it a look?  There's that picture of a man humping a fish in it for you. 

  Just click here and away you go.

  Thanks.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Happy New Year!

    I know, I know, the new year is already two weeks old.  I should have written this no later than some time last week, but I had a couple of "Captain Captions" to write and, besides, I needed to attend wild Epiphany celebrations.  So, bottom line, it took until almost the second round of the NFL playoffs (sorry, Bengals fans...too soon?) to get this to you.


The Bengals have elected to receive.
    Sadly, I think 2016 is going to be a bad year.  And not just because it's a leap year, meaning there's an added day tacked onto February (a sucky month in a good year), but...WARNING: SERIOUSNESS AHEAD...I  fear that there is going to be an extraordinary amount of hate between now and December 31st. And more than a couple people all over the globe won't live to see 2017. 

    Not that 2015 was a blissful romp back to happier days, but an election year is going to ratchet the invective to unbelievable levels. Add to this, a group of people still exist who have said they want to kill us just because we live in the 21st century.  

    Well, it all makes my head hurt.

    Make no mistake-finger pointing and rabid outrage will come from all sides.  I have no intention of turning Penwasser Place into a platform for this set of beliefs or that.  I generally try to avoid that on Facebook or Twitter, too (not always successful, unfortunately), but I sincerely want this blog to be a happy place where you can have a laugh or two.  I don't want to add to the societal angina...with the exception that I'll continue to poke fun at those in the public eye.  But, it would never be in hate (unless I make fun of ISIS.  I hate those guys) because it's what I do.  To mine ownself, be true.  

    But, if you seriously think that "your" guy (or lady) has the market cornered on virtue, yikes.  Very few do.  It's painfully sad that we may have to settle for the lesser of two evils.

    I'm just dismayed that the word "evil" is even in the conversation.

    Has this been a bummer of a post?  

    Sorry.  

    How 'bout some dudes in tightey-whiteys to cheer you up?

"Hey, lookit the guy in front.  Is that Batman?"
"I'm not sure, but isn't Gary Coleman dead?"

 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Captain Caption LXXIX

"Crimate change, Isramic Miritants,
Russia in Climea, who care? 
North Korea fire off hydrogen bomb.  Rook at me!
Who crazy bastard now?"

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

On the Twelth Day of Christmas

     We have Epiphany!
   
"A frikkin' star?  Couldn't get a trip-tik like a normal person, could you?"

    Quick, who forgot to get their "Epiphany" cards? 
   
    Today is January 6th (you may know this) to everyone who is
"January 6th, you say?  Good to know. 
Genius."
slogging through their first week back to work.  Meanwhile, Christians throughout the world celebrate it as the day of Epiphany, which comes from the Greek for "Striking Appearance" or "I Guess I Oughta Take the Christmas Decorations Down Now." 

 
    Incidentally (I didn't know this), the Monday after Epiphany is called "Plough Monday."

    No, I don't know why.

"Hot Dog!"

"It's  not 'Plow' Monday, you idiot!"
 

  


    As is my wont, I'm taking the knowledge I gleaned from a seven
"You'll be wanting to watch
 what you use to type, boyo!"
year sentence at Penguin Academy to provide you with facts about this holy day.  That, and a naked frolic (hey, I'm alone) through the Internet and I've compiled just enough information to guarantee you a failing score on the History Advance Placement Exam.

   
    You're welcome.
   
    Even though Epiphany is mainly an Eastern Orthodox kind of thing, regular Catholics (and "Heathen Protestants," according to Sister Mary Flatulence) celebrate it, too.
    
"Okay, you guys are kind of weird,
but you have cool hats."

    Sometime after the little Baby Jesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem because there was no room at the inn (I think Linus told us this story in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"), they hightailed back to Nazareth, because Mary had set up the baby's room, complete with a new crib and the newest "Walk on Water" bassinet from the Nazareth Walmart.  Besides, the local chapter of the Judea Carpenter's Union only gave Joseph a couple days off from work.
   
    Meanwhile, drawn by a bright star in the Western (I think) sky, three kings (or so the Christmas carol says) began their journey to visit the new king.  Even though they were kings already, I gotta wonder, why would they care?  Maybe cable was out or they were itching for a road trip.
   
    The kings (aka "Three Wise Men" or "Magi") were:
Melchior from Persia.  What Iran used to be called, once and future home of crazy people.
Balthazar from Babylonia, which became Iraq, another once and future home of crazy people. 
Caspar from India (since he was the dude with the longest trip, I
There wasn't a spare camel
for Casper the Friendly Wise Man.
guess we should cut the guys some slack for taking so long).  Future home of Bollywood.

   
    With them, they brought gifts for the king:  gold, frankincense, and myrrh (whatever the frik that is.  It's tough enough remembering how to spell it).  This, despite Mary clearly stating in the birth announcement that she wanted diapers, wipes, and "Bob the Builder" onesies.
   
    Since Balthazar lost the map, they had to go through Jerusalem to ask for directions.  They told King Herod they were looking for a new king.  Of course, the king, being a king, was a little peeved.  He told them he didn't know, but when they found out, they needed to let him know.  That way, he could go honor him.
   
    Politicians lying.  Yeah, I'm totally shocked, too.

    As most of you probably know, this was a lie.  Herod, when the Magi didn't get back to him, went nuts and ordered the slaughter of a grunch of innocent children.

***NOTE:  This is the serious part of the story.  I won't be joking here.  Hope you understand.***

 
"Said we need to go through the first
Roman triumphal arch we come to,
then take a left at the next traffic circle. 
It will be the first house past
the Feinberg Deli on Holy Family Court. 
Said we can't miss it, it'll be all glowing and shit."
   Anyway, the Three Kings visited Joseph, Mary, and Jesus once they found out how they could find the Christ house from an unemployed shepherd named Schlomo.


    Mary, always the gracious hostess, offered them bagels and coffee cake that she bought with the gold they brought while they took turns burping the baby.  

    Since she had no frikkin' idea what myrrh was, she fed it to their goats.

    Who, unfortunately, all died.

    After spending a night in the Christs' guest room, they decided to return home before their wives discovered they really weren't going out for milk and a paper.  Once Balthasar told Melchior he wasn't allowed to take the towels, that is.  However, they took a different way.  Not only did they want to avoid any uncomfortable conversations with Herod, that prissy Caspar wanted to take the "scenic" route.

    He also wanted to take as much time as he could before having to take down his Santa Claus and reindeer decorations from the front yard.
"You didn't learn any of that at Saint Stanislaus! 
Knuckles, if you please, Mr. Penwasser!"

Monday, January 4, 2016

Captain Caption LXXVIII

"Oh and, by the way? 
 Don't expect 'Happy Easter' on any of our cups, either. 
Because screw you.
Happy New Year."