Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Captain Caption CXXXI

"I hope Barry takes me to Castro's funeral with him!
 I love Cuba Gooding!!"

Saturday, November 26, 2016

And Now? A Little Something About Me

    While perusing Facebook the other day (as opposed to doing something useful.  Like put on pants), I came across one of these little questionnaires we so often see.  Usually, I give things like this a pass because I generally don't want to go through all the trouble of copying, pasting, and then filling them out.  After all, I have better things to do (except for that pants thing).
    Then, I read a comment written by the friend who originally posted it, "Won't someone play along?  This looks like fun."
    Well, far be it from me to ignore a damsel in distress, so I complied.
    I hope she appreciated it.  Especially since some of my answers are legit. 

1. Are you named after someone? Yep, my father and I share the same first name.  He's not living anymore.  Luckily, we don't share that.
2. When is the last time you cried? When I cut my arm off with a spork. Oh, I thought this was 'lied.'
3. Do you like your handwriting? Can't tell. Can't read it.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Gorilla.
5. Do you have kids? Yes, 2.  One of each.  Both attractive.  They don't look like me.
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Sure, especially if I lent me money.  If not, I'd smack the crap out of me.
7. Do you use sarcasm? Me? Never.
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes.
9. Would you bungee jump? Absolutely
10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? Nature's Broom: Raisin Bran
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No.
12. Do you think you're mentally strong? Hahahahaha...have we met?
13. What is your favorite ice cream? The cold kind.
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Whether they have a gun.
15. Red or pink? This sounds dirty.
16. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? Hahahahaha...have we met?
17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Pants?  Is this a trick question?
18. What was the last thing you ate? Nature's Broom. Guess where I am right now?
19. What are you listening to right now? Tinnitus.
20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple because they taste like grape. Joe Biden says so.
21. Favorite smell? Coffee because it's the second best part of waking up. The best part of waking up? Waking up.
22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? A telemarketer.
23. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball. I can take a nap in the middle innings and not miss a thing.
24. Hair color? White. This makes me sad.
25. Eye color? Blue. Both.
26. Do you wear contacts? Used to.  Now I wear bifocals.  They make everything look bigger.  That's why I linger at the urinal.
27. Favorite food to eat? As opposed to 'Favorite Food to Make Origami With'? I'm confused.
28. Scary movies or comedy? The State of the Union address. Why not have both?
29. Last movie you watched? The Conjuring 2. Boo.
30. What color shirt are you wearing? Gray. With holes.
31. Summer or Winter? Summer, because I don't have to wear a shirt in the backyard. This causes squirrel stampedes.
32. Hugs or kisses? Hershey makes both, so I'm good with either.
33. What book are you currently reading? The Patriot's History of the United States. Probably a good idea they didn't include a chapter on Trump. That book would be YUGE.
34. Who do you miss right now? Mom. And that guy who wouldn't stand still when I was shooting at him.
35. What is on your mouse pad? A mouse. Really should get a cat.
36. What is the last TV program you watched? CSI: Miami. And they say North Philly is dangerous.
37. What is the best sound? A satisfied sigh from a woman.
I have never heard that. 
38. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Rolling Stones. At least most of them are still alive. Too soon?
39. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Persian Gulf. As sucky as it sounds.
40. Do you have a special talent? I can raise one eyebrow. Which, when I actually read it, isn't really much of a talent. Or especially special.
41. Where were you born? Don't remember. I was too young.
42. People you expect to participate? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...aftert this?

Okay, well it's time to go make something to eat.
"Good LORD, Japing, get a move on!!!
Did you read #4????"

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Thanksgiving Repost (Not Really).

For the past six years, my "Thanksgiving Posts" have started like this...

      Oh, what a day it must have been!  
    The brightly colored leaves swirling madly amongst  the trees, the autumn wind blowing briskly, and the forest animals hustling about in preparation for winter.
    And nobody fighting over the remote.

"Try me."
    This was followed by a list of that which I am thankful for.  Oh no, don't get me wrong. Those still apply.  

    I'd even add, "I'm thankful that even Chris Christie couldn't eat every doughnut in the nation."

   This year, though?  I figured you've had enough.  Although (for those of you who care about this sort of thing), posting the same dreadful thing, year after year, can be pretty easy if you want to get credit for leaving comments.  

    I mean, all you have to do is see a repeat, figure that nothing has changed, leave what you think is a witty bon mot (they usually are) thinking you "got credit." and go on to read something original and entertaining by Pat Hatt.  That dude NEVER repeats anything.  Me?  Hey, Christmas is coming.  There'll be more repeats around here than at the dinner table at a Mexican restaurant.

    So, instead of hitting you with warmed-over leftovers (that comes Friday), I wanted to let you all know one of the things that I am very grateful for.

    Or should that be, ""One of the things for which I am most grateful"?

    NOTE:  I can't even begin to tell you how many bloody times I've used this tired, old line.

"And yet ye never larn, do ye now, boyo?
Knuckles, if you please, mister."

    In all honesty, and at the risk of sounding sappy and overly sentimental, I am grateful that I have some of the finest people in the world visiting Penwasser Place.  For some reason, your lack of mental stability and desire to feel better about yourselves by comparison keeps you coming back here.

    And I'm not even paying you.

    Because of Blogger, I feel that I have friends from Australia to
"Hey, have you been bogarting
the Wi-Fi to read Penwasser Place?"
"Death to America!"
"Clearly, but I need the computer
to call up some cat videos on 'You Tube'."
the United Kingdom.  Whether from Canada or Iowa, I feel honored by your presence.  Although, I gotta wonder who the heck in Russia and Iran is visiting.


"Not even a fruitcake?"
"No, Joe."
"I'll spit on it."
    Although you can sure that I'm not on the White House Christmas card list.  Incidentally, I'm also positive that won't change after January 20th.

    So, instead of mentioning you all by name (mostly because I'm sure I'd forget a couple by accident), thank you all for blundering into this asylum.  

    It's nice to tell perfect strangers, "Hey! I so do have friends!  Whom I've never met in person.  But, still!


    Before I go (hey, you had your chance), I'd also like to express my sincere thanks that there are people like Robyn Alana Engel, she of the Life By Chocolate blog, out there.  Even though we are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, I consider her one of the finest, most decent people that I know.  She is always respectful and possesses a keen wit and sharp intellect.  We should all emulate her humanity and downright decency.  

    Especially in the years to com.

    Because, you know...

"Because, can I be frank, I won, which is really something, although I'm going to need to spend half my time in New York even though they hate me but I love all the city lights and hustle and bustle and the fact that the vomit is frozen this time of year so you can't smell it even though, to be honest, I'm on the thousandth floor and couldn't smell it anyway or even see the hobos who are some of the most beautiful folks on the face of the Earth not the Middle East part of the Earth or anywhere frankly where I don't happen to be but that's fine, that's fine, because jobs...not Steve Jobs...wait, is he dead or is that Gates...anyway it's all fantastic you wait, except for Saturday Night Live or all those colored people on the cast of Hamilton...who was really a white guy who is also dead...well he'd be dead anyway but he got killed by some other guy named Aaron Burr who I think was part Mexican .  CHINA!"


    Seriously, you had your chance.

    Even though I promised no repeats, I have to at least repeat one of my favorite pictures and (if I may pat myself on the back) favorite captions.
"Really. Runs With Scissors, eel pie?
Couldn't bring a French Bean casserole like a normal person, could you?"

If I hadn't said it by now (I haven't)...


Like Canadian Thanksgiving.
But, with a four day weekend.  And football.

"And no horning in on my day."

Monday, November 21, 2016

Captain Caption CXXX

"Just got back from overseas and, whaddya know,
Aleppo is in Jordan.
By the way, how'd that whole election thing turn out?"

Monday, November 14, 2016

Captain Caption CXXIX

"I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten.
If, when I open them, my hair isn't back, some joker is going to regret the day he was born!"

Friday, November 11, 2016

USS America: A Tribute

(or Remembrance Day or Armistice Day to others of you)

Okay, this may be a tad jingoistic, but the time I served aboard America were three of my proudest.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Today's the Day

Hillary Clinton supporters head to the polls

Donald Trump supporters head to the polls

Gary Johnson supporters wait for their flight to Aleppo to take off

"Yeah, we want to find out what all the fuss was about."

    No matter which candidate you support, good luck!

    And may God have mercy on our souls.

To my non-American friends, feel free to pity, or laugh at, us.  

Hell, why not do both?

Monday, November 7, 2016

Captain Caption CXXVIII

Twentieth Century Pop Icon and Noted Harlot Madonna promised to fellate every person who casts a vote for Hillary Clinton.
In related news, millions of American men
have announced they are gay.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Party Animal

"Hey, you gonna eat those eggs?"
You never know who you'll run into after last call
    A few weeks ago (since I'm writing this on October 25th, it was actually last week...delayed posts are awesome!), I decided to treat Mrs. Penwasser to the ultimate in white people entertainment. 

    Yes, Bingo at the local community college. That's how far we've sunk since entering middle age.  You know, it wasn't all that long ago that we were rocking the night away until last call tossed us out into the streets, in search of an open Denny's.  Which never closed. 

This Bingo game featured "daubers" instead of tiddly-winks.
Mrs. Penwasser didn't think it was funny when I "daubed"
my forehead and asked if I won an ice cream parlor, 7-Eleven, or gas station.
    However, as we inexorably lumber through our 50s (she's several years behind me), we figured it best that, if we go out at all, we go somewhere which can get us home in time for the 10 o'clock news.  And in bed, asleep (we're not Hollywood people, you know) shortly thereafter.

    Plus, who knows?  Maybe we could actually win something.  I would have even settled for those two radio-controlled racecars or maybe even that Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift basket.  Even though I would have preferred the orthopedic sock/liniment variety pack.  Or that tabletop rod hockey game.  Don't judge me.

"No, not funny.  Not funny at all, Mr. Smart-Ass Penwasser Son of Bitch!
Cash or credit?"

    Alas, even though we forked out $40 (FORTY DOLLARS!!!  FOR FRIKKIN' BINGO!!) for enough bingo sheets to build a bonfire with, we didn't win a single doorprize.  You see, the Penwasser Luck wouldn't even win a single man lottery.

    It wasn't a total loss, however.  I was able to get a stale salted pretzel for free.  I guess the girls behind the counter felt sorry for the little dude who wore white socks with sandals.

    But, as bad as our evening went, it was nothing compared to the fuss one guy made when he didn 't win a single game.  Pretty pathetic, really.  

    Hell, I would have shared my pretzel with him, at least.

"Believe me, I've played many, many wonderful Bingo games in my life.  My many fabulous businesses, all of which are incredibly successful, by the way, except the ones which aren't, routinely offer Bingo games alongside the craps tables and genital grabbing booths.  They are all staffed by the most outstanding hombres you could ever meet.  This Bingo game, on the other hand, is a disgraceful mess.  The worst possible example of the very worst that Bingo can offer, if I can be frank.  In fact, I must say, I must say, this Bingo game was clearly rigged!"

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Captain Caption CXXVII

"I know I gave my word I wouldn't destroy the world after that Flood thing, but good me, things have gotten outta control down there.  So it's settled, then.  The world comes to an end next week.  Just one thing keeps bugging me, though...like I'm forgetting some unfinished business.
What can it be...what can it be...oh, that's right!
How about the Indians and Cubs in the World Series?"