Yes, yes, I know. Rosh Hashanah began at sundown last night. But, I was out partying as me and my homies bid farewell to the year 5776. A little slack is in order, I would think.
|"Let's party like it's 5777!"|
NOTE: Prince. Not Jewish.
Not alive, either.
|"Too soon! You insensitive bastard!!!!"|
|"Tell me about it."|
Okay, you got me. I'm not Jewish so there was no carousing to be had. I just wanted to give you an extra day to enjoy Saturday's post, that's all.
No worries, though, because it's still the Jewish New Year. And Monday. Boy, for being the Chosen People, you guys really get screwed, huh?
|"Actually, we like Danny Williams instead."|
"Uh huh, book me Dan-O."
Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself, Rosh Hashanah begins on the 1st day of Tishrei, which is the seventh month of the Jewish calendar. The seventh not the first? What's all this new year jazz about then?
The 1st day of Tishrei is the traditional date given to the creation of Adam and Eve, the world's first nudists. So, you may want to run out and get a card. Those Jewish women have lonnnnggggg memories.
|"Really, Adam, really?|
Our anniversary and the best you can do are these stupid fig leaves?
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go talk to that snake. That's what I'm going to do. Putz."
Oh, I forgot to mention that "Yom Teruah" literally means "day of shouting/blasting." I suppose I could have changed the whole post to include this above, but it's Saturday as I'm writing and I don't have a lot of time. I need to go watch some
Hoping for good things.
|"Hey, I'll change my name, do whatever I need to do. |
Keep kosher, blow off Christmas,
listen to Neil Diamond, get circumcis...whoa, let's not get carried away."
Sorry guys, it's the horn from a slow, probably dimwitted, ram.
|"Man, I knew I shouldn't have|
trusted those dudes at Beth Sammy Davis, Jr."
|"Mine's bigger than yours."|
"Hey, do they always bend like that?"
Hey, hang on a minute. Apples? Isn't it tradition that Eve ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (not to be confused with the Book of Knowledge*).
An apple that was given to her by a snake?
|"You got us. Knuckles, if you please, boyo."|
Well, whatever...in addition, the day features many readings from the Jewish scriptures, also known as the Torah. Or they'll just use any Woody Allen screenplay.
|"Hey, well whaddya know? Those Muslim guys were right. |
There aren't any pictures in Fifty Shades of Grey."
After the day finally ends and Jews throughout the world have let it all hang out, they can enjoy the upcoming year. And get ready for Yom Kippur the following week.
Also known as the Day of Atonement, I guess Yom Kippur is when everybody can come clean from overdosing on all those apples.
|"I'd say dip it in chocolate, but it hasn't been invented yet."|
Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends!
You know who you are.