Monday, October 3, 2016

Happy Rosh Hashanah!


    Yes, yes, I know.  Rosh Hashanah began at sundown last night.  But, I was out partying as me and my homies bid farewell to the year 5776.  A little slack is in order, I would think.

"Let's party like it's 5777!"
NOTE:  Prince.  Not Jewish.
Not alive, either.

"Too soon!  You insensitive bastard!!!!"

"Tell me about it."
-G. Coleman


    Okay, you got me.  I'm not Jewish so there was no carousing to be had.  I just wanted to give you an extra day to enjoy Saturday's post, that's all.

    No worries, though, because it's still the Jewish New Year.  And Monday.  Boy, for being the Chosen People, you guys really get screwed, huh?
   
"Actually, we like Danny Williams instead."
"Uh huh, book me Dan-O."
    Anyhow, if you don't know (and, seriously, how could you not?), Rosh Hashanah, which literally means "head of the year," is the Jewish New Year.  Its biblical name is "Yom Teruah."  PFFFT, yeah like how could you know the difference?  I mean, it's like when I used to see the credits roll for Hawaii Five-O (the Jack Lord Hawaii Five-O, not the new Hawaii Five-O with that hot Kono chick):  "Kim Fong starring as Chin Ho."  I mean, why bother?

    Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself, Rosh Hashanah begins on the 1st day of Tishrei, which is the seventh month of the Jewish calendar.  The seventh not the first?  What's all this new year jazz about then?

    The 1st day of Tishrei is the traditional date given to the creation of Adam and Eve, the world's first nudists.  So, you may want to run out and get a card.  Those Jewish women have lonnnnggggg memories.
"Really, Adam, really?
Our anniversary and the best you can do are these stupid fig leaves?
I'll tell you what.  I'm gonna go talk to that snake.  That's what I'm going to do.  Putz."

    Oh, I forgot to mention that "Yom Teruah" literally means "day of shouting/blasting."  I suppose I could have changed the whole post to include this above, but it's Saturday as I'm writing and I don't have a lot of time.  I need to go watch some porn television.  This racket is most exemplified by the daily blowing of the shofar, every day of the month prior.


Herschel Shofar.
Hoping for good things.
"Hey, I'll change my name, do whatever I need to do.
Keep kosher, blow off Christmas,
listen to Neil Diamond, get circumcis...whoa, let's not get carried away."

    Sorry guys, it's the horn from a slow, probably dimwitted, ram.
  
"Man, I knew I shouldn't have
 trusted those dudes at Beth Sammy Davis, Jr."
"Mine's bigger than yours."
"Hey, do they always bend like that?"
    In addition to shofar blowing, Rosh Hashanah celebrants enjoy many sweet delicacies, most notably apples dipped in honey.  

    Hey, hang on a minute.  Apples?  Isn't it tradition that Eve ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (not to be confused with the Book of Knowledge*).

    An apple that was given to her by a snake?
   
Wrong snake
    Or is that just a conspiracy invented by the Catholic Church?


"You got us.  Knuckles, if you please, boyo."

    Well, whatever...in addition, the day features many readings from the Jewish scriptures, also known as the Torah.  Or they'll just use any Woody Allen screenplay.
"Hey, well whaddya know?  Those Muslim guys were right.
There aren't any pictures in Fifty Shades of Grey."

    After the day finally ends and Jews throughout the world have let it all hang out, they can enjoy the upcoming year.  And get ready for Yom Kippur the following week.

    Also known as the Day of Atonement, I guess Yom Kippur is when everybody can come clean from overdosing on all those apples.
"I'd say dip it in chocolate, but it hasn't been invented yet."


    Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish friends!

You know who you are.

*Obscure reference to a 1960s/1970s set of encyclopedias.  If you're not older than dirt, you may not get the reference.  If you do get the reference, you need to get to bed, Gramps.

"A lot of people don't know that Rosh Hashanah also means 'Feast of Trump,' can I be honest?  Frankly, I can't think of a better description for the Jewish New Year.  I love the Jews, all the Jews, especially their food, although I could really do without the gefilte fish, to tell you the truth.  When I get going in the kitchen or really a five-star restaurant which I own, by the way, because, honestly, it's terribly difficult for me to cook.  Terribly difficult.  I mean, after all, have you gotten a good look at these hands?  The way I think it's good that I go out to restaurants and get great, great Jewish food.  It gives people jobs because that's what it's really all about.  Crooked Hillary wouldn't even know a good bagel if it hit her in the head.  But, I wouldn't want anything to hit her in the head because she doesn't need a knock in her noggin, to be honest.  Still, all she gets are those disgraceful, disgraceful Thomas' bagels which aren't really bagels.  They're more like bagel-shaped bread, to tell you the truth.  And she gets, what?, a schmear of Fat-Free Philadelphia Cream Cheese.  Nothing but all fat for me, let me tell you.  Like my head.  And Philadelphia?  A lovely, lovely city which is more than just cheese.  Not that I have anything against bread, let me tell you.  Some of my best friends come in loaves.  Or interns.  Oops, that's what some people say about Bill Clinton.  Not me, you understand, but some people.  Why, I was just telling Ivanka that...what?  Rosh Hashanah means 'Feast of TrumpETS?' Oh, leave it to those f**king Jews.  They always...hey, is the microphone off?
CHINA!"

37 comments:

  1. I knew it was a Jewish holiday but I had absolutely no idea what the whole thing was all about. I now know more about Jewish holiays than I ever thought I would.

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    1. The public schools had the day off. The Catholic schools were in session. I guess that's legit.

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  2. Replies
    1. Just think of all the Eunuch Matzos out there.

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  3. Dammit! Remind me not to drink anything while reading your blog. I only hope my trackpad works after having spit coffee all over it. I will definitely have to show this to my stepfather, who is most certainly Jewish and who will most certainly spit out his coffee while laughing as well.

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    Replies
    1. Blowing milk out the nose is what I normally go for.

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  4. Ah, but it wasn't really an apple but some other kind of fruit. Liars.

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  5. It's all propaganda. It wasn't an apple it was only shaped like an apple and the snake wasn't a snake. It was...Wait, there are no pictures, must just be 50 Shades of Smut.

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes a snake is just a snake.
      -Hans Freud
      Sigmund's kid brother

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  6. Whoa! Clinton Blew off Christmas? I thought Monica Lewinsky does that unless he ended up in prison, then, maybe. They are now saying that Eve gave Adam a pomegranate. I'd like to know if they have a time machine and went back that far to prove this. I actually learned a little something here about the Jewish holiday.

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    1. I think he just wanted Monica to see his Yule Log.
      )That sophomoric, juvenile crack never gets old).

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  7. You had me convinced that was really was Trump, but then you overestimated his vocabulary. Easy mistake for a writer to make. Chino Ho was my favourite Hawaii Five-O character. Steve and Danno were such pussies.

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    1. Chin really rocked. Especially the new Chin.

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  8. Oy vey. Once again I will let Robyn weigh in on your humor and accuracy. I found this quite funny and also touching (not in a Bill Clinton way). Good stuff

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    1. In all seriousness, not a lot of people know about things like this. A shame, really.
      BTW, heading to the Lone Star State on Thursday (Austin).

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  9. You've taken Jewishness to a new level, Al. This post is your best Jew post ever. I'm ashamed. I didn't even post for Rosh Hashanah. You taught me about Teruah and lots of other things here too.

    Bill to any pretty lady: "Blow my horn for the head of the year, babe." (Rosh means "head.")

    Thank you for always thinking of my tribe.
    Thank you, Joanne. It's really pretty accurate, except the "too soon" comment.

    Shanah Tovah!

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    Replies
    1. Maybe I'll "atone" for this one on Yom Kippur.
      See what I did there?

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  10. It wasn't really an apple in the Garden of Eden, it was the fruit of knowledge as to what should live or die, and certainly humans still haven't earned the right to this knowledge.

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    Replies
    1. But, could they have made pies from them?
      Mmmmmmmmmm.....pies.

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  11. I didn't know Prince was a Jehova's witness for a long time, which is pretty ironic considered his reputation as a musician. JWs aren't allowed to have fun from what I can tell.

    Hey lets start a religion where we can't celebrate holidays or birthdays! Hard to believe they have as many followers as they do.

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    1. I think the police check with Jehovah Witnesses first when they want to get info on car accidents.

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  12. This is why I don't trust fruit of any kind. It's a sin liability. I get my sugar from Twinkies and Oreos, the way God intended it.

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    1. And, lo, the Lord brought upon the Earth chocolatey, creme-filled goodness. And He saw that it was good.

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  13. I think we had the books of knowledge...Never met reference material I didn't like. Apples dipped in honey sounds pretty good, actually.

    "But, dear, they're fig NEWMANS..."

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    1. I used to take them into the can with me.
      "XYZ," though. NEVER 'A.'
      Didn't want to pop a 'roid, ya know.

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  14. I read your Trumpian rant to my son. He was impressed. Excellent post, Penwusser. You blow my horn.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Too bad I can't blow my own horn.
      I won't say I've tried.
      Won't say I HAVEN'T, either.

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  15. A member of my writing group gave us all the rundown about this yesterday. So, this is the third time I've heard the whole "head of the year" thing. I guess someone really wants that tidbit to stick.

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    1. I really never heard that before (or wasn't paying attention). The 'Feast of Trumpets' thing? Oh so very perfect this year!

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  16. And because of some of the people I work with, I actually knew some of this stuff...about time, huh?

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    1. I was hoping we'd get to see a giant bagel drop in Times Square.

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  17. A post that makes me laugh and think what the bloody hell

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  18. Hey, you're pretty deep for a goyim... Deep and funny!

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  19. I didn't make it to synagogue this holiday, but I learned more from you than I would've during the rabbi's speech. Sorry I haven't visited in a long time, as I've been a very bad blogger. Hopefully, I'll be forgiven next week. I've missed you, and it's always entertaining and educational coming here, Al!

    Julie

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