Monday, October 10, 2016

Goodbye Columbus


Huzzah!  Presenting the first in a series of holiday reposts!
Since I still have a bit of a hangover from my weekend in Austin, the daggers in my skull are preventing me from writing anything new (except these couple sentences, of course).  At any rate, even though you may have read this before, I hope you enjoy.  Or, if you want something new, head over to Pat Hatt's place. He never repeats himself.  He's got talent that way.
See you when the headache and voices in my head go away.


NOTE:  With today's post, I begin a series of repeats which will culminate with the Christmas/New Years extravaganza.  Oh, sure, there'll be original bits along the way, but this time of year gives me a chance to trot out some retreads.  If you've read these already, hey, sorry about that.  If you haven't...pay no attention to the fact that I just said these were repeats.

Christopher Columbus
Explorer, Exploiter, Rogue
Or man who looks like he just shat himself

   I love October.  The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests to push that pigskin across the goal line, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts whisper of the coming winter.

    October also gives us a chance to celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, I know, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either.).

    As an added bonus, the tenth month also gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males.

    So, in honor of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of new bed linen (“Buy now!  Just think how comfy the ‘Santa Maria’ would have been if they had only had these sheets!!”).

    As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Canadian Thanksgiving.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.

    More times than not, we hardly even know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day!  Too bad you hadda go to work!  Ha, ha, ha!”

    My family has for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous.  For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a convent.
  
"For the glory of Spain and
in the name of Our L...hey!
I said 'SIT THE EFF DOWN!!'"
 
For some reason, though, we never did much to commemorate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “I claim this land for the King and Queen of Spain.  And Wal-Mart.”   

    In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history (right behind invention of “The Clapper”), might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:

That may be.
But, Northern Indians were
apparently more bad-ass than Southern ones.
10.  Slash the tires of the obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.

9.   Try to convince anyone that parrots, corn, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.

8.   Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.

7.   Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrate COLUMBO Day.

6.   Gather together all the history books at the library, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Chrisville.’  Draw moustaches on any pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.

"No! No!  Mike Huckabee
won't be born for another 450 years or so.
Here.  Have a blanket."
5.   Bring Christianity to your neighbors, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.

4.   Go to the local All-You-Can-Eat Chinese restaurant dressed as Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you people were all hiding!”
"White people!
Party of millions!"
3.   Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Labor Day.

2.   With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s
"MAMMA MIA!
Get all the fat guys away
from the left side of the ship!"
fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.

1.   Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.

    There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank. 

    It’s a shame Columbus Day has been deemphasized so much over the course of the past few years in the misguided spirit of politically-correct revisionism. 

    Or revulsion at guys who wore tights.  I’m not sure.

    I’m sad to say that it’s now little more than an excuse to blow up some balloons, get a guy up on stilts, and shill away last year’s automobiles (“Buy an SUV.  It’s what Chris would’ve wanted!”).

    As for me, I plan on doing the day up right.

    I’m gonna go get me a cannoli.    

*********

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't wish my friends up north (no, not Massachusetts) a very Happy Thanksgiving!

My original intent was to write something...uh...original in honor of Canadian Thanksgiving, but I'm up against a deadline to finish my book, so I gave you the warmed-over Columbus Day offering instead.

Anyhow, enjoy your day.  

And be thankful that Justin Bieber lives here.



30 comments:

  1. I think people seem to forget the natives and the settlers got on pretty well for quite some time. I'm not sure how much raping and pillaging Columbus got to himself. Maybe I just don't understand history all that well. All that matters is that it's a national holiday though. That's always all that matters.

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    1. Yeah, the only problem is that I have to go to work.

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  3. Can I celebrate Columbo Day instead?
    Sorry, typo in comment above. I hate that...

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    1. Just make sure you wear a trench coat.
      And solve a murder.

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  4. I'm going with the cannoli or maybe a nice chianti. Happy Columbus/Columbo Day. Too hot for a trench coat in TX right now. If he had landed on the TX coast and ventured inland, he'd have said "no way, let Mexico have this place."
    Cheers and good luck with the book countdown

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  5. So glad I don't look as doofy as those Canadians haha Is your repost warning a repost by now as well?

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    1. Ya know, I never thought about that (the repost warning, not the doofy Canadians).

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  6. Alas, true and accurate (relatively) history, and I'm lusting over the photo of the badass Northern Natives. Do you know, Al, they published a true history book - as told by/for the Native American Indians? I think that's awesome. If I knew the link, I'd send it. Likely it's on Amazon. It's about time to do away with making the dude who shat on himself a big-time hero. Seattle is celebrating "Native American Indian Day." Time for the rest of the country to come around.

    Can't wait to see your next book baby!

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    1. The thing about history is that it rarely is exactly as one side says. And it's rarely as exact as the OTHER side says. Rather, there are shades of gray (which also can be used for a soft porno).
      I'm really good with Native-American Day. Not as a direct substitute for Columbus Day, though. I'm convinced that, if the Spanish didn't "discover" the New World, it would have been the French, English, Dutch, Portuguese, whoever. Chris gets an undeserved rap as the sole villain. There were plenty of others out there.
      Hee...hee...hee...on the other hand...shades of gray...if it's soft, it can't be very good porno.

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  7. Damn, this year I again missed Columbo Day. I might as well go back to ironing my clothes.

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  8. I prefer Columbo Day or even McLeod Day. I would celebrate Jessica Fletcher Day but if she showed up I might die so forget that. Yes, Poor Columbus and now we know The bad ass Vikings were here first...actually in Canada, Nova Scotia to be more precise...Vikings rock!

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    1. The funny thing was, I HAD inserted a "Murder She Wrote" reference (a picture, actually), but I deleted it for space.

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  9. Leif Erikson should travel back in time and kick Columbus' butt. We can call it back to the future IV

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    1. I think he'd hit him with a rotted shark head.

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  10. Hey, if you post a link to the last time you posted this, I'll copy/paste my comment from then...

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    1. I think I'll do that with my next repost. Good idea!

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  11. So this guy Columbus...was he a boob man or an ass man?

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    1. I think he actually preferred chicks with goofy hats.

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  12. I should have read this before I drove all the way to Ohio. Son-of-a-B....!

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    1. Ohio usually sparks that kind of reaction.

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  13. Al, Your leftovers never turn stale! Good luck finishing your 4th book! Yes, I didn't even have to look it up.

    Julie

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    1. So, I can still eat that sandwich? Even though it has a green beard?

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  14. One of my high school friends (50% Blackfoot/50%Crow) used to celebrate Columbus Day by setting fire to his neighbours' rubbish bins. It was good craic.

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    1. So, one of your friend's feet is black?
      But, he can fly. Half the time.
      So, that's something.

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  15. Have a happy Columbus Day Al. I don't know what people traditionally do for Columbus Day but it's also Canadian Thanksgiving so maybe you could eat a turkey a month early.

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    2. Go shopping for washers and dryers, I think.

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