Monday, October 31, 2016

A Halloween Tale


    So this is a repost.  But, it's a repost from 2014, not last year. Meaning, I was even too lazy to inflict leftovers on you in 2015.  Still, it's one of the favorite stories in my family.  
    Besides, I don't have time to write anything new.  I've got candy to pass out.  Or eat.  Probably eat.    Okay, definitely eat.

NOTE:  As you can tell by the following, I have repeated this in the past.  Who knows how long it's been since I wrote the stupid thing? Just keep those royalties flying in.*

Even though this is another dreadful repost, it's my favorite Halloween story.  One of the advantages of growing up in my family is that I have plenty of stories to tell.  While this is not a "growing up" story, it does involve them.  


I promise you, this is 99% true.  

**********

    The young wife pulled her sweater tight as a sudden gust whipped a handful of dead leaves past her ankles.  Sure was starting to get cold, she thought.

    Glancing down at the half-empty candy jar at her feet, she was thankful she’d bought enough goodies for the hordes of trick-or-treaters which continued to rampage through her neighborhood. 

    With only an hour to go, she breathed a sigh of relief.  At least she wouldn’t have to break into last year’s stash of petrified candy corn.  Or, worse, the spare change lodged in the back of the sofa.

    In a pinch, she wondered whether she’d be able to get away with handing out those ketchup packets stashed in the cupboard over the stove.    

    For some reason, she doubted the kids would buy her assurances that ketchup was “nature’s candy.”

    So, mercifully, her house would be spared the ravages wrought by pint-sized wrecking crews denied their sugar fixes.

    With a break in the action, she picked up a Fun-Size Milky Way bar.  No, check that.  TWO fun-size Milky Ways-more fun that way.  With a weary sigh and mouth full of chocolaty goodness, she plopped into the chair set by her open door.

    No sooner had she sat down then four miniature super heroes-Batman, Spiderman, and the unfortunately-named Captain Incontinence and his sidekick, Wet Nap Boy, came trooping up her driveway.

    Quickly hiding the empty candy wrappers in the pocket of her sweater, she stood to welcome her visitors.  They looked harmless enough, even the one kid-Captain Incontinence?-who held his trousers up with one hand while dragging a sack full of tooth decay with the other.

    Greeted by a cheery chorus of “Trick or Treats,” she smiled, extending the candy jar to the tiny defenders of truth, justice, the American way, and proper hygiene.

    Their needs sated, the junior crime fighters excitedly scampered towards her neighbor’s house.  Relieved her home continued to be spared, she noticed a lone figure standing at the end of her driveway.

    Her visitor was fairly large.  She figured he was one of those kids from the middle school-the kind who refused to let go of his childhood.  Usually those kids just grabbed a pillowcase and headed door-to-door, their menace masked only by a surly, “I’m an egg-thrower” when asked what their costume was.

    This kid was dressed up, though, but he gave her the willies.  He was sporting blue jeans and a red flannel shirt, which were innocuous enough.  But, what really creeped her out was that hockey mask he wore and...was that a knife in his right hand?  He looked just like that...Freddy?  Michael?  No, he looked like Jason!  Yeeks!

    With a trembling hand, she presented the jar to the motionless figure.  “Hey, there.  Do you want some candy?” 

    No answer.

    Hmm, she thought, not too crazy about this.  Why doesn’t he just toss a couple rolls of toilet paper in my trees and be done with it?

    She closed her door, frantically trying to figure out what to do.

    At that moment, her husband’s car pulled into the driveway.

    “Oh, look,” he thought as he parked, “one of those Halloween trick-or-treaters.  Kinda big, though.”

    He got out of his car and cheerfully called out to the kid, “Hey, howzit goin’?”

    Nothing.

    “That’s weird,” he thought.

    Quickly turning his back, he entered the side-door and saw his wife.  She looked a little freaked-out.  “Hey, you see that nut out there?  What’s going on?”

    Wide-eyed, she shrugged her shoulders and whispered, “You got me.  He’s just been standing there for the past ten minutes.  Uh...you didn’t see if he had a knife or anything, did you?”

    His eyes went wide and he stepped to the closed door.  Glancing through the curtains, he said, “Yeah, sure looks like one.  Man, I don’t like this.  I’m turning off the outside light.”

    Casting the porch in darkness, he motioned for her to join him.  Together, they peered at the motionless form bathed in the yellow light of the streetlamp.

    “Maybe he’ll get the idea we’re done for the night,” she hoped.

    “Yeah, I-hey!  He’s starting to walk this way.”

    His wife shrieked.  Clapping her hands to the side of her head, she dropped to the kitchen floor.  “Oh, my God!  What’re we going to do!?”

    He joined her.  “I don’t know.  I’d better call the cops!”

    They heard shuffling footsteps as their visitor scraped along the loose rocks of their driveway.

    Starting to lose it, she begged, “No, don’t leave me!”

    Her husband scrambled on his knees to the kitchen island.  Maybe he’d find a knife or....ladle!!??  What the-that won’t do!  He kept rifling through the drawer.  Cheese grater...potato peeler...garlic press...ah, here was a knife!

    As he turned toward his almost-catatonic wife, he heard the footsteps suddenly stop.

    And the doorbell ring.

    The two of them inched their way to the window and gingerly peeked through the bottom of the curtain.

    They heard low snickers of laughter behind a hockey mask which bounced up and down.

    Standing bolt upright, the husband flung open the door and shouted, “You idiot!  You gave us both heart attacks!”

    The Moral of the Story:  It’s a good thing my brother has a sense of humor.  Otherwise, I mighta got stabbed that night. Or bludgeoned with a cheese grater.


Happy Halloween!

"And, don't be forgetting that tomorrow is All Saints Day, you cheeky little bastard.
I'd best be seeing you in church tomorrow, Penwasser.
By the way, I'm loving me some Milky Ways."

*There ARE no royalities.

       

26 comments:

  1. "Get your Tootsie Roll over here, Al Penwasser. And bring on the Mounds with nuts."

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes you feel like a nut. - Sir Elton John
      Sometimes you don't. - Rosie O'Donnell

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  2. Now let me guess the 1% that isn't true. You exaggerated about your size? No need to apologize, it's what most men do.

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    Replies
    1. Actually....it was actually my brother who dressed up, not me. And the wife was in on the gag.
      And...yes...I exaggerate about my size.

      Delete
  3. I once had Mike Myers show up at my door on Halloween night. I told him I loved him in the Austin Powers movies.

    Last year we did have a kid too old for trick or treating come up. No costume either. Apparently Halloween isn't the only night he begs for stuff. My brother has told me he's asked for money, tools, lawn mowers, and even a internet modem.

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  4. You scared me, Penwusser. That was really good, and brand new to me.

    Love,
    Janie

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  5. When the kids were little, I lived in a trailer with the hall to the bedrooms way across the living room. I set up a chair, a vacuum cleaner wearing a coat and hat, and the turned the hallway light on before I left that morning. Bringing my kids home that night, I gave KC the keys and said, "Go open up, I need to talk to Shenan". He was proud as he could be to be trusted with the job... but once he had the door open, he froze. "What's wrong?" I asked.

    "There's a guy in there!!!"

    What's he want?"

    "I DON'T KNOW!!!!"

    He still hits me for that 20 years later.

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    Replies
    1. That is fantastic. And perfect material for family reunions.

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  6. hahaha good thing he does have some self control and didn't get stab happy.

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  7. You really had me going there for a while. Happy Halloween.

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  8. LOL...I should have loaned you my "reality is pretty scary" cartoon - it would fit right in with your story, ha ha.

    Happy Halloween, Al!

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  9. shoot now, ask questions later! Good thing my brothers don't live close!

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  10. Your brother also sounds lucky that HE didn't get stabbed, never mind you guys. There was a good chance you'd have just opened the door and stabbed without warning.

    ...Good job you aren't a gun nut.

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  11. Jason, eh - that brings back some memories (although I preferred Freddy Kruger - he had nicer finger-nails!)

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  12. I was on the edge of my seat with this one! I'm glad no one was attacked with a cheese grater! Great story! Btw, I forgot to tell you my copy of Shag Carpet Toilet arrived last week. The paperback addition looks terrific, and I can't wait to read it all over again!

    Julie

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  13. That was a good one! For a second or two, I forgot I was reading a blog post.
    I enjoy Halloween and usually instruct the gate man to escort one or two trick-or-treaters to the door each year. I also tell the butler to be generous and give them a shiny new quarter each! Last year he had the nerve to ask me to reimburse him for the quarters! Can you imagine that?

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  14. Nothing wrong with a repost here and there but have to do new stuff from time to time or you would have nothing to repost, just saying

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  15. I like re runs, especially good ones, which, this happens to be!

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    Replies
    1. It's one of my favorite family stories.

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  16. If it's new to us, it's not a re-run. And pranks like those are all fun and games until you show up in your hockey mask holding your knife ten minutes later, and point to the creepy guy outside wearing the same thing, and ask, "Wait, so who the hell's that guy?"

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    Replies
    1. It's all fun and games until a freaked-out homeowner blasts you.

      Delete
  17. Are you sure this is a repost? I'm sure I would have remembered Captain Incontinence. Maybe I was out on a baboon raid the first time you posted it.

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    Replies
    1. I believe I posted it a couple years ago.

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