Saturday, July 9, 2016

Okay, It's Done

   And, by done, I mean that Fifty Shades of Penwasser has been published and is now available on for the criminally low (or criminally high) price of $5.95.

    Sure to be a bestseller virtually nowhere, Fifty Shades is a little
"Hey, I have to tell you, that if I wrote it,
it would be the most beautiful book you ever read.
And I wouldn't even need verbs, that I can tell you.
Because verbs can be lying wastes of time,
especially the predicate kind,
which I'm not even sure
what they are, to be honest.
But they're a waste of time, a waste of time.
But, pay no attention to Penwasser.
Mine would be YUGE!
The book.  Not my hands.
Which have no resemblance to
any other department, believe me.
That's YUGE, too.
different than the other books I've written.  For one, it's a collection of pabulum I wrote while I was in the Navy from 1996 to 2007 (of course, I was in the Navy a lot longer than that.  This explains the gray hair).  So, in essence, it's a huge repost.  Which means I didn't (really) have to write anything new.  Which means I'll rake in obscene amounts of royalties for basically reruns.  Let's see Blogger do that.

     Which means (NOTE:  I've exhausted the number of times I can write "which means" in one post.  I hope you understand) that, if you find yourself mentally unstable and buy the thing, it's not in the form of a narrative (Hifalutin term for 'story').  Because, it's a collection...wait, I just wrote that (sorry).

    This, above all, is more "Navy Specific,"  meaning it comes
Like these guys.
Who are allowed to be in the Navy now.
Well, blow me down. 
complete with a whole lotta military jargon.  While I've tried to eliminate some of the most egregious examples and explain some of the others, there may be times that you'll have no earthly clue what I'm talking about.

    If that happens, you have my apologies in advance.  And sheer amazement that you bought the thing in the first place.

    I do make fun of the Air Force, though.  So, there's that.

    "So, Al, what will you do next?" you may find yourself asking.  Along with, "This is the crap that happens when I hit 'Next Blog'?"

    Well, I'm going to attempt something a little more serious, a little
But not as much fun to say

less "Penwasser."  You see, before my stepfather passed away in 1996, he kept a journal.  Not nearly as literarically (NOTE:  not a real word) significant as Moby Dick, it was almost a year's worth of ponderings/observations prior to the end.  

    In collaboration with his widow (which isn't my mother.  Because my mother had passed away thirteen years before he, making him a widower.  Yeah, this is wicked complicated, huh?), I'm going to turn those musings into something which he would be proud of (or should that be "something of which he would be proud"?  Frikkin' prepositions).
Moby DICK!!"

"It's about a whale, snowflake!!!"

    I'm thinking that will take me to the end of the year.
By the way, this mess is still
available on Amazon, too.

    Then, if the world hasn't ended, I'll begin the prequel to Shag Carpet Toilet in January, which will be titled St. Stan's:  Tales From the Penguin Academy.  That one will will be back to a Penwasser Vibe.  It won't have curse words, but it will have nuns.
"Oh, I'm not liking the sounds of that, boyo.
Knuckles, if you please, Mr. Penwasser."
    Oh, by the way, Fifty Shades contains forty-nine essays and one that I wrote last month.  What this adds up to, for those who are the product of American public schools, is fifty essays!

    Ain't I the clever dickens?


For those who are disappointed this isn't some sort of Penwasser Sex Book, might I offer the below example of inter-species love?

"See?  And you thought it was weird."
If you'd like to purchase, Fifty Shades of Penwasser, please click here.

If you've already purchased Fifty Shades of Penwasser, please click here.


  1. Congratulations! What's the link? I'll hunt it down...
    And very cool you want to put your father's journal into book form.

    1. I "oopsed" with the link. I did put a link in the picture on my blog, though.
      I'll go back later and fix it.

  2. 1. Cool that you wrote something. 2. Really cool about your stepfather's journal. 3. omigod those Richard Simmons pics.

    1. He really is good for a chuckle or two.

    2. McAfee gave me a "Warning-Trouble Ahead" when I tried to visit your blog. This makes me sad.

    3. Wow. I wonder why. Usually I only get that in real life.

    4. I accepted the risk and pressed on! I'm a daredevil that way.

  3. Congrats indeed. What? No link at your feed. I guess us in the Canadian school system are smart enough to look it up haha Sounds like a great idea to put your stepfather's journal into a book as well.

    1. As soon as I hit publish, I realized that. Oops. The picture on my blog has a link, though.
      I'll probably go back and edit this later today.

  4. At least you didn't base it off of Twilight like she did.

    1. No vampires in it, so it doesn't suck.
      On the other hand...

  5. Love the title of your book and I know it is much more intelligent than that 50 Shaes of Bleccchhhh. Congrats!

  6. Another feather in the heavy Penwasser cap. Congratulations.

  7. Holy crap! You've done it again! I guess I'll have to put it on the list of things to read. At $5.95 I might have to work a little overtime, but it might be worth it. Or not. Time will tell.

  8. A hearty congratulations is in order :)

    1. Thanks! I'll keep my job cleaning toilets, though, It keeps me humble.
      And I won't be able to give my book away, prolly.

  9. Replies
    1. Thanks!
      No actual seagulls were hurt in the writing of this book.

  10. I'm sure your stepfather would be proud of what you do with his journal. Congratulations on getting Fifty Shades out. You're doing a whole lot of writing and I hope it goes well for you.

    1. You're the one who turned me on to Create Space. Thanks to you!

  11. congrats. No doubt it will be YUGE and a big seller in CHINA. Good for you and your hard work

    1. Working on the Cantonese version as we speak.*

      *Yeahhhh, that's not true.

  12. The whole preposition at the end of a sentence is okay again. Someone who knows about these things says so, so I'm going with that.

    Congrats on the book.

    1. Works for me!
      That whole preposition thing was something with which I didn't want to put up.

  13. CONGRATULATIONS x50! Another fun, yuge accomplishment from my favorite Penwasser.

    To be clear, I'm sincerely proud of you and look forward to reading your latest creation.

    1. Thanks! It's a short (much like me) read.