Saturday, July 30, 2016

This Campground Doesn't Screw Around

You touch one of their trees, they'll even toss your corpse out.

Probably shouldn't mention their "No Alcohol" policy.

Good thing I had a red solo cup

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Captain Caption CII

Hillary reviews her trip to Philly...

"And here we are in front of the Liberty Bell...hey, who's that idiot tying his shoe?  
Then, oh I love this, the building where they signed the Constitution.  
Hey, wouldn't it great if we could schedule a photo op where you could urinate on a copy?  
Then, you and me in front of the Rocky statue.  Looks like Michelle...oops, I can be so bad.  
Finally, a trip to the zoo.  Did you have to fly around the primate exhibit, 
though, you big frikkin' showoff?  
I'll never be able to get the monkey poop off my clothes.  
Especially since I can't use water."

NOTE:  For those of you who are Facebook friends, hope you noticed the inside joke.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The 12th Annual Penwasser Camping Trip

Coming to an unsuspecting campground Wednesday, July 27th.

I'll send pictures.

Probably won't be much different than this, though.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Today's Safety Tip

   When vacuuming your pool, be extremely careful if ABBA's Dancing Queen starts playing on iHeart Radio.  

    You run the real risk of pirouetting into the water.
Of course, I'll now probably need to surrender my Guy Card to the Gender Police.
Because ABBA.

"No, no, that's totally cool.
I love ABBA."

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Captain Caption CI

"Did he just apologize for the American Revolution?"
"Don't be a bloody idiot.  We're British.  He hates us, too."

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Just An Observation

Of course, this is a reversed angle which I used for the shot.
 Or I had my shorts on backward.
Which could be the case.
    While sitting down this morning, I glanced at the label on the waistband of my shorts.

NOTE:  Where I was sitting and what I was doing while sitting borders on too much information. Gross information.

    I noticed that sizes for several countries were listed.  This caused me to make some observations:

1.  I'm thinking that "M" stands for "Medium" and, coincidentally, "Mediano" in Spanish.

NOTE:  Now you know what size shorts I wear.  This may possibly be TMI, as well.  Who knows?  Keep your shirt on.  Not like it's underwear.

2.  Why only seven countries?  Are those the only ones in which Champion has a contract?

"I know!
India is where all the Indians came
from in those cowboy movies!"
3.  Actually, there are many more than seven countries, because "Asia" is listed.  Asia, of course, is comprised of many other countries, most of which are completely unknown to American High School students.  Or Champion got lazy and didn't feel like listing every one.  Those people change the names of their country every bit as much as they do in Africa.

NOTE:  Asia is also a  progressive rock band from the 80s.  Wikipedia says they're still active.

As long as they're in bed by nine and eat plenty of fiber.
4.  Canada (I assume "CA" stands for Canada) has two Ms.  Is that
"Because we are French Canadian
and, thus, better than
you English-speaking types."
because they speak English and French in Canada?  If that's the case, if "Medium" starts with an M in both English and French, why bother listing them twice?

5.  Even though the shorts were made in Honduras, Honduras is not listed.  Is that because they don't wear pants in Honduras?


    6.  Oh, wait.  "Mexico" is listed.  Well, that's cool.  Those people all look alike, so Honduras is good to go.  As is Panama, El Salvador, Guatemala, Los Angeles, and all those with funny accents.

"Crikey, this  blows.
Shoulda worn my shorts."
    7.  Australia is listed.  But, I bet they're not wearing shorts right now.  Winter you know, mate.

    8.  "BR" is not "Britain."  I'm fairly confident "BR" stands for "Brazil" because I'm also fairly confident that "Feito Em Honduras"
As you can tell, Portugal got screwed.
is Portuguese.  They speak Portuguese in Brazil, the only country in South America in which that language is spoken.  This is because Portugal was granted control of Brazil and everything east of what was called the Papal Line of Demarcation by the Treaty of Tordesillas in the 15th Century.  I think.  I could look it up, but screw it, I'm going into my pool soon.  This is also another fact more than likely not known by American high school students.  Brazil, not my pool. I'll give the kids a pass on my pool.

"And those damn kids better pass right on by, too.
Incidentally, the raft is mine."

9.  I also noticed that Japan and Asia (Don't know why they separated the two.  After all, Japan is part of Asia, another fact not known by....I give up) are the only two categories in which the size is "L."  Maybe that stands for "Large?"  Meaning that what is only "Medium" to fat-ass Americans and Brazilians is a "Large" to Orientals...?  Little yellow men and all that?  Yeah, okay, that's racist.
"Oh yeah?  Well, at least we know which countries are in Asia.
And where to find Pokemon characters, round eyes!"
    There now, who would have thought an entire post could have been inspired by a fairly common event performed upon waking?

    Off to the pool....


Thursday, July 14, 2016

Captain Caption 100 (aka C)

    How time flies!

    Can you believe we're finally up to the hundredth Captain Caption!  I mean, good grief, that's a whole lotta pictures and a whole lotta captions!

    Started as a way of posting something quick and easy without the necessity of actually having to write anything  that would tickle your funny bone, the predecessor to Captain Caption was, of course, Facebook Funnies.

    As originally intended, the concept behind Facebook Funnies was to get laughs from two sets of followers without having to do any extra work provide you a glimpse of something I had posted on Facebook as Al Penwasser (or that Lynch guy).

    And so, it came to pass on June 23, 2012 with a picture of Barack Obama and Elena Kagan.
"Trust me, if this Supreme Court gig doesn't work out,
you can always go back to being Doug.
From King of Queens."
"Wait.  I thought I was Doug.
From King of Queens."
"And I'm Jake.
From State Farm."

    However, after fifty or so of those, I decided to downplay the Facebook connection after Mark Zuckerberg threatened to sue.  I decided to give you, my faithful followers, something fresh, something that no one has seen before.  Which I then posted on Facebook.  So, yeah, effectively the same thing. 

    The biggest problem I had was trying to figure out what to call it. After asking for your opinions, I settled on that suggested by Pat Hatt:  Captain Caption (seriously, you should know this). 

    So, bottom line, you can blame the Canadian poet.  All hate mail can be sent to Pat c/o  Tell him Al sent you.

    The very first Captain Caption (frankly, I'm getting tired of typing it) debuted on July 18, 2013:

"I'll bet you that, if I aim just right, I'll be able to hit my horse right in the frikkin' skull.  That'll sure teach those Je...hey, wait, that can't be right.  Oh, well, I'll just go marry my sister instead."

   When reviewing this, I initially thought this had some sort of anti-Semitic vibe going on, but that's not the case (thankfully sparing me the wrath of Robyn Engel).  Actually, this was a play on the pursuit of the Hebrews and Charlton Heston by Yul Brynner and the Egyptians.

    And that Egyptian royalty tended to marry their siblings.
"Shoot, yew say that lahk it's a bad thing."
    Anyway, I've analyzed the subjects I chose for CC (got sooo 
"Or YUGE!!!"
tired of writing the whole thing out).  I thought that political figures would figure large.

    But, this was not the case.

    Surprisingly, I used non-political topics a substantial number of times, 39 as a matter of fact.  These usually had nothing to do with a particular person and quite often reflected something that struck me as funny or as something that was recently going on in the world or in the country.  The below is an example inspired by the Ferguson, Missouri riots:
"Budweiser-Official Beer of Inner City Rioting Since 1876."
    I was actually happy that this was the case, because I don't want to be accused of picking on a particular political person.  This gets even more problematic when I chose someone who may not be as readily recognizable to my overseas friends or someone from the Detroit Public School District.

    Although, not surprisingly, Barack Obama came in #2 with 20 appearances.
"I think it's a play on words.  I think he's calling you 'poop.'"
    As we slide inexorably toward the apocalypse in November, I'm sure that Mr. Obama will be supplanted in the second position, although in my heart, he'll always be #2.  

    I'm sure that you can come up with someone who will find himself (or herself) more and more here in Blogger.

"I can't think of anybody more qualified to be in Captain Caption, believe me.  Penwasser would be an idiot if he didn't use me more and more, because if anyone makes people laugh more than me, it's me.  I will make Penwasser Place great again because I'm a businessman who knows how to win.  In fact, you're going to get sick of winning, and laughing, or both.  You'll throw up from laughing so much.  Or after seeing those nudie pics of me.  Whatever.

    Incidentally, Iran/Muslims/Jihadis came in #3.  Thank goodness they didn't come in any higher.  Then, you may not want to be seen with me.
"Speaking of, you get that fatwa on Penwasser in the mail?"
"So, that's a yes?"

    As if you needed a reason.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

Okay, It's Done

   And, by done, I mean that Fifty Shades of Penwasser has been published and is now available on for the criminally low (or criminally high) price of $5.95.

    Sure to be a bestseller virtually nowhere, Fifty Shades is a little
"Hey, I have to tell you, that if I wrote it,
it would be the most beautiful book you ever read.
And I wouldn't even need verbs, that I can tell you.
Because verbs can be lying wastes of time,
especially the predicate kind,
which I'm not even sure
what they are, to be honest.
But they're a waste of time, a waste of time.
But, pay no attention to Penwasser.
Mine would be YUGE!
The book.  Not my hands.
Which have no resemblance to
any other department, believe me.
That's YUGE, too.
different than the other books I've written.  For one, it's a collection of pabulum I wrote while I was in the Navy from 1996 to 2007 (of course, I was in the Navy a lot longer than that.  This explains the gray hair).  So, in essence, it's a huge repost.  Which means I didn't (really) have to write anything new.  Which means I'll rake in obscene amounts of royalties for basically reruns.  Let's see Blogger do that.

     Which means (NOTE:  I've exhausted the number of times I can write "which means" in one post.  I hope you understand) that, if you find yourself mentally unstable and buy the thing, it's not in the form of a narrative (Hifalutin term for 'story').  Because, it's a collection...wait, I just wrote that (sorry).

    This, above all, is more "Navy Specific,"  meaning it comes
Like these guys.
Who are allowed to be in the Navy now.
Well, blow me down. 
complete with a whole lotta military jargon.  While I've tried to eliminate some of the most egregious examples and explain some of the others, there may be times that you'll have no earthly clue what I'm talking about.

    If that happens, you have my apologies in advance.  And sheer amazement that you bought the thing in the first place.

    I do make fun of the Air Force, though.  So, there's that.

    "So, Al, what will you do next?" you may find yourself asking.  Along with, "This is the crap that happens when I hit 'Next Blog'?"

    Well, I'm going to attempt something a little more serious, a little
But not as much fun to say

less "Penwasser."  You see, before my stepfather passed away in 1996, he kept a journal.  Not nearly as literarically (NOTE:  not a real word) significant as Moby Dick, it was almost a year's worth of ponderings/observations prior to the end.  

    In collaboration with his widow (which isn't my mother.  Because my mother had passed away thirteen years before he, making him a widower.  Yeah, this is wicked complicated, huh?), I'm going to turn those musings into something which he would be proud of (or should that be "something of which he would be proud"?  Frikkin' prepositions).
Moby DICK!!"

"It's about a whale, snowflake!!!"

    I'm thinking that will take me to the end of the year.
By the way, this mess is still
available on Amazon, too.

    Then, if the world hasn't ended, I'll begin the prequel to Shag Carpet Toilet in January, which will be titled St. Stan's:  Tales From the Penguin Academy.  That one will will be back to a Penwasser Vibe.  It won't have curse words, but it will have nuns.
"Oh, I'm not liking the sounds of that, boyo.
Knuckles, if you please, Mr. Penwasser."
    Oh, by the way, Fifty Shades contains forty-nine essays and one that I wrote last month.  What this adds up to, for those who are the product of American public schools, is fifty essays!

    Ain't I the clever dickens?


For those who are disappointed this isn't some sort of Penwasser Sex Book, might I offer the below example of inter-species love?

"See?  And you thought it was weird."
If you'd like to purchase, Fifty Shades of Penwasser, please click here.

If you've already purchased Fifty Shades of Penwasser, please click here.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Captain Caption XCIX

"Okay, let's figure this out before we get started.
I don't want Saturday Night Live to make fun of me again.
The can's that way?"

Monday, July 4, 2016

Happy 4th of July!

Which works for everyone, because every country has a July 4th.
NOTE:  Sorry for the terrible, old joke.

This has always been one of my favorites.  I'd call it a Captain Caption, but I already have several of those on delayed posting.  To be honest, I didn't feel like renumbering them.

Sue me.

"Okay, let's see if I got this right.  Washington will have roast beef
on a kaiser roll with extra horseradish...Jefferson, turkey club on rye,
 dark meat only, I heard that's how you like it, Tom...Adams, veggie,
 no cheese, light wheat bread, with low fat Miracle Whip... sheesh!
 Someone carrying your purse, Miss?  And Franklin will have fish
 and chips.  What the and chips!?  Seriously, Ben, do you
 have any clue what the frik we're doing here?"

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A Public Service Announcement

Lite Beer

Gateway alcohol to "Hey, who's up for shots?"

"Damn, why didn't I listen?  Why??"

"Right on, bro."

"Does anyone have a camera?"

"If she needs a ride..."

    Incidentally, Fifty Shades of Penwasser is complete and undergoing review by the publisher.  I should find out by the end of the weekend if it's good to go.  I'm not too concerned because they have pretty low standards.

This will be on the cover.
Shades, get it?
Yeah, it's as funny as that.