Thursday, April 28, 2016

'X' is for 'Xerxes'

 



"Dear Reader's butt rooks ruscious.
I give him 9.0 and maybe big hat."
    Well, what else did you expect?  

    After all, Xerxes is my favorite despot and craziest person this side of Kim Jong-un.





    Recent archaeological diggings in the ancient capital of Persepolis (Persian for 'Here There Be Crazy People') have turned up what appears to be the Persian Emperor's dating profile.  This has to be true because I read it on the Internet.  And, if television has taught us anything, you can't put something on the Internet if  it wasn't true.
"Bonjour."
    Now, for the first time since the A-Z Challenge started, may I present the Xerxes dating profile*.



Name:  Xerxes ('Xerxes the Great' to my friends)
Height:  5' 9", 6' 3", 15' 7", whatever it takes
Age:  Immortal.  Duh.
Weight:  195 lbs (this would be in kilograms, but I don't know metric.  Sue me.)/315 with gold.
Turn Ons:  Flaying
Turn Offs:  Being flayed
Favorite pastime:  Long walks along the beach.  Then slaughtering everyone.
Person Who I'd Most Like To Be:  Me, you idiot.  Although that Saddam guy showed promise.
Secret Crush:  King Leonidas.  Come on, look at those abs.
Favorite Color:  Really, you have to ask? 
Biggest Regret:  Not putting in a pool at the palace.  I mean, we're nowhere near the beach.

    My ideal match would be a girl who didn't mind sharing her jewelry.  Especially since I'd look so much better.  She'd be a simple spirit who would cater to my every wishes.   This includes feeding me kebobs while I watch  Babylonian captives being beheaded.  She must be a homebody who is comfortable in her body whether she's naked or...who am I kidding?...she must always be naked.  Unless my brother Herschel the So-So is visiting.  Then, she should at least throw on a tee shirt and sweatpants.  That guy is kind of a perv.  Most importantly, she'd keep her yap shut when I plastered my 'Man Cave' with posters of Gerard Butler.  And Trump.  She must be a Trump supporter. 
                   


*If you actually believe this is true, the Trump presidential campaign has a spot for you!
"And Mexico will pay all your expenses, that I can tell you."

22 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. They can either pay or give complimentary visits to "Rich White Gringo" resorts in Cancun.

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  2. With that kind of dating profile the Kardashians will be all over him.

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  3. Does she have to wear a t-shirt around Trump as well?

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  4. This one rates a 10 plus plus. LMAO ... Rooks Ruscious....the imagery
    is vivid.
    I remember that "bonjour" ad. It was so funny.
    Good one, Mister Al

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Reader stuff practicarry writes itself. I mean, horry crap.

      Delete
  5. It's good that even though you went with Xerxes you can still mix it up and have some fun. There needs to be more words beginning with X dammit. Maybe the Mexicans can pay for some.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for noticing I mixed it up a little with the old fruitcake.

      Delete
  6. I conceded Xerxes to you. But does Trump concede to Xerxes? They have a lot in common- gold, naked women, big xxx, and flaying. Hmmm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trump will make Persia great again. Or flay them. Whichever.

      Delete
  7. How could anyone resist that?

    Liz A. from Laws of Gravity

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I mean, with such an understated use of makeup and piercings...yeah.

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  8. Replies
    1. He looks like he'd be a good catch for the right gal.

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  9. I'm confused; which bathroom does Xerxes use? Is he transgender or will he cut off the head of anyone who tells him where he can and can't pee?

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    Replies
    1. I bet he pees wherever he wants. Probably on slow Hittites, I imagine.

      Delete
  10. The Xerses in the 300 movie was pretty nasty looking, even covered in gold. He almost made me take my eyes off of Gerard Butler...almost...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The real Xerxes probably didn't look so hot.
      I bet the real Leonidas didn't, either.

      Delete
  11. This was too funny...love it! I must say ...who would be the vapid girl who doesn't mind being naked as long as she feels like she has some power...Kim Kardashiass?.

    ReplyDelete