|"Dear Reader's butt rooks ruscious. |
I give him 9.0 and maybe big hat."
After all, Xerxes is my favorite despot and craziest person this side of Kim Jong-un.
Name: Xerxes ('Xerxes the Great' to my friends)
Height: 5' 9", 6' 3", 15' 7", whatever it takes
Age: Immortal. Duh.
Weight: 195 lbs (this would be in kilograms, but I don't know metric. Sue me.)/315 with gold.
Turn Ons: Flaying
Turn Offs: Being flayed
Favorite pastime: Long walks along the beach. Then slaughtering everyone.
Person Who I'd Most Like To Be: Me, you idiot. Although that Saddam guy showed promise.
Secret Crush: King Leonidas. Come on, look at those abs.
Favorite Color: Really, you have to ask?
Biggest Regret: Not putting in a pool at the palace. I mean, we're nowhere near the beach.
My ideal match would be a girl who didn't mind sharing her jewelry. Especially since I'd look so much better. She'd be a simple spirit who would cater to my every wishes. This includes feeding me kebobs while I watch Babylonian captives being beheaded. She must be a homebody who is comfortable in her body whether she's naked or...who am I kidding?...she must always be naked. Unless my brother Herschel the So-So is visiting. Then, she should at least throw on a tee shirt and sweatpants. That guy is kind of a perv. Most importantly, she'd keep her yap shut when I plastered my 'Man Cave' with posters of Gerard Butler. And Trump. She must be a Trump supporter.
*If you actually believe this is true, the Trump presidential campaign has a spot for you!
|"And Mexico will pay all your expenses, that I can tell you."|