Wednesday, April 6, 2016

'E' Is For 'Exit Strategy'

 
 
 
    I know this may be a bit of downer, but eventually I shall shuffle off this mortal coil, I shall assume ambient temperature, I shall be spoken of in the past tense, I shall be an EX-Penwasser.
"Whew!  Then I'll finally be able to catch a break
from all those GD Captain Captions!"
    With that all in mind, I've pondered how it is I wish to proceed to my great reward.
"Reward!?  Ye'll be heading off ta Purgatory for a thousand years or so, boyo.
Until then...knuckles if you please, Mr. Penwasser."

    In essence, what is my exit strategy?
    
    When I die, I wish to be cremated.  Which is a bit of a shock, if I'm not quite dead, but quick.        
I took this line from
a Monty Python sketch
    Then, I'd like my ashes scattered at sea.  Or a bay.  Or a bog. 


Or the "Arod Peed Here" urinal at Yankee Stadium.
    Bottom line, how the hell would I know?  I'll be dead.
    
    Anyway, I'd also like a viewing (aka "Wake").  Now, normally, these are solemn affairs, given to hushed conversations and stifled sobs.  However, I would like a kneeler-activated speaker placed in the coffin with me.
    
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AL'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

NOTE:  This does not have to be a fancy type of casket.  It could be an old cardboard box, for all I care.  Because dead and because cremation.
"Not Britney!  IT'S NOT FAI...oh, Penwasser?
Yeah, that's cool."
     My intention is that, when mourners come alongside to pray (or daydream.  I won't judge.  Or know), the speaker will activate and, in my voice, they'll hear, "Well, hello there.  Don't I look natural?"
"He thinks there'll be mourners!"

    When I mentioned my death wish to my sister she said, aghast,   "Oh, my goodness!  You'll give all the old people heart attacks!"
Casket-check!
With body in it this time-check!
Old people-check!
Kneeler-EFF!

    

    

    I reminded her, "You may not be up on current events, but we are the old people!"
    
    Ahhh....won't that be a hoot?
    
    If I could ask a favor, though?  

    Please make sure I'm definitely dead.  


    Thank you in advance.


32 comments:

  1. This reminds me of a quote by Neil deGrasse Tyson

    “I would request that my body in death be buried not cremated, so that the energy content contained within it gets returned to the earth, so that flora and fauna can dine upon it, just as I have dined upon flora and fauna during my lifetime”

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    1. That is really deep. And not the six feet kind, either. It does make me think!

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    2. If he wants to be dined on, let him jump in the lion cage.

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  2. I want your speaker message to say. ... "ouch! You're kneeling on my nuts " or toes. .. you pick.

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    1. Hmmm....now that you mention it, I think my nuts could reach now.

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  3. Ahh yes the exit. I like cremation but I pray I won't be knocked over and then vacuumed up. I would like Born to be Wild played ...that would be fun.

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    1. Have a seat for a little story...
      Years ago, a man who was a P-3 aircrewman asked that his ashes be scattered during a flight. Unfortunately, when the crew attempted to scatter his ashes from the main cabin door, the ashes flew ALL OVER the inside of the aircraft. To clean up, they used a vacuum cleaner. No kidding. A guy who used to work for me told me this story.

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  4. Al, Why aren't you donating your body to science like Mr. Bones did? What kind of a friend are you? Think of all the joy you'll bring your great grandchildren when they can dress you up, and carry you around with them. It's just plain selfish, is what it is.

    Julie

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  5. make sure you have your final, final blog post set to go....so we can join the mourning also. Wait a minute, I'll be one of the old people too - probably can't see by that time. Never mind. Shuffle off that mortal coil. Good luck

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    Replies
    1. I should put the final farewell on delay, huh? I'd hate to suddenly disappear without warning.

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  6. Thanks for the morning laugh! Well done. https://mhsusannematthews.wordpress.com/

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  7. We'll stick a fork in you to be sure.

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    1. Or place jumper cables on my genitals.

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  8. If I croak no one will know for almost a year as I have so many posts in advance. I always said burn me and us me as kitty litter. Not sure I'd have clumping action though

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    1. I never thought of that. You could be dead RIGHT NOW! Wait. You just left a comment. Hmm. I've never been accused of being terribly bright.

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  9. How 'bout a Coleman cooler, Al? Will you wear briefs, boxers, or be - gasp - naked?
    I like Alex's idea too.
    Though I don't truly like any of it, cuz you're a good one.

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    1. Funny (not really) story...
      The father of a lady I work with just passed (he was 88, so not unexpected). At the funeral home, she was asked if she had brought any "undergarments" for her father. Needless to say, she was taken by surprise. Even though she thought it was a ridiculous request, she went to Walmart and bought a three-pak of tighty-whiteys. I told her she shoulda just told the undertaker that her dad went commando. Or, if they didn't buy that, she shoulda bought leopard briefs bikini briefs. Or a thong. I'm a thinker that way.
      She gave me the two which were left over.
      Bonus.

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  10. This reminds me of Woody Allen's line: I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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  11. Replies
    1. Like, "I haven't made love to a woman in over three years. But I've been practicing!" Or something like that from Love and Death.

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    2. It may have been something like, "I practice a lot when I'm alone."
      One of my favorites is his comment about masturbation: "It's sex with someone I love."

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. I want to be cremated.
    On another note, do you know how the legend of vampires came to be? The dead or thought to be dead were buried and they sometimes came around and walked back to town and really freaked out the townsfolk who promptly killed them by impaling them. So after that the dead or thought to be dead were impaled so they couldn't come back. Good times, huh?

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    Replies
    1. "Hey, everybody, I wasn't dead after all!! Now I can...hey, what're you doin' with those sharp sticks?"

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  13. When I first saw the word exit I thought of cloaca.

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  14. Cremation here. I don't want to take up space. My brother and I took our father's ashes to Iceland and put them in the fjord near where his father was born. Great excuse for a trip!

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    1. P.S. It was what he asked for, but you know, he was dead.

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  15. Well, sounds like the only thing you're missing is a party planner - and as your long time blogging buddy I'm going to take control of the party favours.

    Let's see... okay, I'll make sure every person that attends, gets a complementary box of Depends. Then, I'll make sure the goody bags contain some Fixident - for those pesky ill-fitting dentures we're all plagued with (well, all of your OLD buddies).

    Next up will be some cheap wino wine - wouldn't want anyone getting used to the good stuff, really, the nerve.

    I think I'll even spring for entertainment - and see if any of the million virgins expected in heaven are available pre-departure to the holy land. Maybe they too want a little "real" fun.

    So, you see... you'll be well remembered if I have a hand in the planning. Just sayin'... what are real friends for! LOL

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    1. Beer would also work well. Oh what am I saying? I'll be dead. They can have Boone's Farm wine, instead.

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  16. I do not think about such things why because it would hurt my brain to do so and who wants a hurt brain, really who, not me and not anyone I know, just saying

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