Monday, April 4, 2016

'C' is for 'Cloaca'

 

 NOTE:  The following isn't so much a 'repost' as a 'revisit.'

    On the Friday of Presidents Day Weekend in 2012, my sister's son graduated from Navy boot camp just north of Chicago.  To celebrate, several family members made the trip from the East Coast to the Windy City.  For my non-American friends (you lucky bastards), that's the nickname given to the city of Chicago.  Which you can find in the Midwest.  Or roughly where all the gunfire is.

    The intelligent members of the family flew.  The knuckleheads-my brother, nephew, and I-drove.  This trip was outlined in excruciating detail in All This and the Ohio Turnpike, Too on February 27 (2012.  Kinda figured you surmised that).
Pretty much sums it up, though.

    I'll spare you all the ghastly details.  In fact, I'd very much prefer blotting out the hideous Ohio Turnpike altogether.  But, I was reminded of that trip when Jeff Bushman of The High Cost of This Low Living posted a very funny picture on Facebook recently.


    While funny, the meme demonstrates that there may be some misconceptions about how chickens (lady chickens) actually lay eggs.  I've no doubt Mr. Bushman knows.  But, I really didn't.  And I bet you anyone from Chicago doesn't know.

 CUE NOSTALGIC WATERFALL EFFECTS....CUE A NISSAN MURANO ON I-80 IN PENNSYLVANIA....AND NOTHING ON THE RADIO...

    BROTHER:  "Hey, did you see that sign for MacGregor's Farmstand?"

   ME:   "Yeah, it said fresh eggs."

Okay, I think you can follow along.  No sense writing 'BROTHER' and 'ME' anymore.

   "No way I eat anything that a chicken craps."

    "Chickens don't crap eggs."

   "SURE they do."

   "No, you idiot.  They have vaginas."

   "Chicken vaginas?"

   "Well, sure."

   "I don't know.  Sounds sketchy to me.  I'll take my chance getting eggs at the supermarket."

    Well, just to prove I was right, I checked that most reputable of scholarly sources, the Internet.  And that most reputable of the reputable, Wikipedia.  This is what I found.

"Birds reproduce using their cloaca; this occurs during a cloacal kiss in most birds. Birds that mate using this method touch their cloacae together, in some species for only a few seconds, sufficient time for sperm to be transferred from the male to the female. The reproductive system must be re-engorged prior to the mating season of each species.  Birds generally produce one batch of eggs per year [via the cloaca], but they will produce another if the first is taken away."
"Show you my what!?"

    In other words:

    Oh, it gets even better...

"Some species like ostriches, kiwi, swans, geese, cassowaries (whatever the frik those are), and ducks have phalluses.  In those birds, the penis helps ensure water does not wash away the male sperm during copulation."

    Why, those lucky ducks.

    I just wonder how it looks that my search engine contains the keywords, "Chicken Vaginas."
"Vaginas."

Epilogue:  The tale of my trip across Pennsylvania, the Wasteland of Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois generated 39 comments.  A surprising number of you still remain:  Pat, Julie, Adam, Gorilla Bananas, Barb, Ruth, Robyn, Beer For the Shower, and Manzanita.  I'm quite touched.  Unless I owe you money.
    
Just hadda look
Cassowary
Birds from Down Under, like emus or ostriches.
With penises.
"Penises."

  

31 comments:

  1. I had no idea that area of the bird was called that I. Fact I can say, I never gave it much thought...until now. Thanks for that:)

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    Replies
    1. Now you can be the smartest person in the room when someone haughtily pronounces that chickens poop eggs. You can say, "Not exactly."
      Of course, they may think you're weird.

      Delete
  2. I remember this.....you know chickens are my favorite subject.

    During the winter I just put fresh hay in the nesting boxes and the girls keep pushing it out on the floor ...... a natural occurance as they squirm trying to make their nest. The hay just piles up during the winter and I clean it all out come spring.

    I did the cleaning three days ago and put small wood pellets on the floor. I bring them their treet at night and close the door to keep out the bad guys. They walk up the steps and stop very suddenly and literally back out, as if in shock. Any change freaks them out and they did the same thing last year. This is the 3rd night and I've had to gather up each chicken and away she goes, into the coop.

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    1. I think it may have been the little fox faces you drew on the pellets.

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  3. Screw the eggs. I'm having bacon for breakfast.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Screw the eggs."
      I'm fairly confident there's a dirty joke in there.

      Delete
  4. That's more than I wanted to know about birds

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    Replies
    1. Isn't it amazing what the Internet can teach us?

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  5. So a chicken enjoys having her cloacal rubbed! I always learn something new when I read your posts, Al

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that bit was like something you read in a porno.
      For birds.

      Delete
  6. Wait a minute! I don't have any males. How am I getting eggs?

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    Replies
    1. Chickens always lay eggs (I guess). They're just not fertilized (I guess).

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  7. I'm still wondering why your brother thought the store eggs came from someplace different than the fresh eggs...

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    1. It may have been me. I don't remember exactly. It's been over four years.

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  8. There is one tiny detail in this I feel the need to point out. Your brother said that he didn't want to get farm fresh eggs because of chicken poop...but he was happy to get eggs from a supermarket. Where does he think those eggs come from?

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    Replies
    1. Reminds me of an old joke (I'll be brief):
      "Hey, they serve beef tongue here! You want that?"
      "No way I put something in my mouth which has been in an animal's mouth!"
      "Well, what are you going to have then?"
      "I'll have a fried egg sandwich."

      Delete
  9. I would have been better off not knowing this, but I guess thank you? This does not swear me off eggs. I'll have my eggs scrambled please

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    1. Actually, I feel better knowing that they don't actually poop eggs (I guess they kinda do, but...).

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  10. I suspect most people in Chicago have no idea where food actually comes from. We have chickens and fresh eggs come out of them every day! Also, while crossing Ohio in a blizzard many years ago I got behind a truck that I thought was either sanding or salting the highway. I was wrong. What they were spreading was more like something they dug out of a gravel pit! It was rock, stones, and gravel and I was lucky to survive with the windshield intact.

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  11. lol still here. Is that something to fear?

    I'll stick to eating the chicken. They can keep their eggs, fresh or not.

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    1. Next time you see a bad-ass bald eagle, just think, "He has no doinky."

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  12. You had me laughing out loud. I suspect I'll be chuckling all day long, too. (And no, I did not know about chicken cloacas. Cloacae, sorry.

    Hilarious :D
    Guilie @ Life In Dogs (and member of co-host Damyanti's team, D's Company )

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    1. Neither did I. I have no idea how I was able to exist for over 50 years without knowing that.

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  13. I'll be thinking about this educational post the next time I eat eggs.

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    1. Probably better you should eat them scrambled.

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  14. I can't believe it, but I actually learned something here. I don't know how I would have gotten through the rest of my life without knowing the term "cloacal kiss".

    Well, yeah, I guess I do. Less scarred.

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    1. When I saw "cloacal kiss," I thought maybe I should start a series of poultry porn.

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  15. As a chicken rancher myself I know a little bit about eggs and where they come from as you so valiantly point out. I for one would have never guessed that cloaca would have made your A to Z.
    I do love the post...hilarious. Also a few words of wisdom. Never keep your chickens with your duck, specifically a male duck. Phalluss and cloacae do not mix well and yes it does happen and no you don't get a chuck!
    Thanks for the HIT!

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    Replies
    1. Or a dicken (don't you love it when words come together to give you something dirty?).
      In any event, it would be a quack-up.

      Delete
  16. I was chasing a turkey in my yard this evening...that has nothing to do with your post, but now I'm freaking out about poultry, in general. Bird porn does it to me every time.


    Cherdo
    Cherdo on the Flipside
    "Favorite Characters, Favorite Lines" on the A-to-Z Challenge 2016

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