Tuesday, March 15, 2016

With Apologies to Pat Hatt

Occasionally, I'll write a poem.  Unlike  Pat Hatt and the cat, though, I'm not terribly talented.  But, hey, you can't go wrong with Gary Coleman in his skivvies.


NOTE:  It's not really Gary Coleman.  Rather, it's a little black man with Beyonce thighs.


April 21st-Brought To You By the Letter 'U'



The Underwear Wars


  Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,
that were liked by men both weak and mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret
and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and moaned, “I hate the big hole.
It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief
She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)



As always, Mr. Coleman could not be reached for comment.

29 comments:

  1. haha this was sure one of your best indeed as you rhymed away at your feed.

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    Replies
    1. You know, as I read this, I realize I have yet to write a 'U' for the A-Z Challenge. Maybe an "Underwear Sequel"?

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  2. a true classic, but alas the inclusion of Marlon Brando (old in my brain, not young) has scarred me.

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    1. Could be worse. Could be me cavorting about town in skivvies.

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  3. Now you've embedded the dreadful image of an overweight Brando in tighty whiteys in my brain.

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  4. Well done! And what's wrong with commando, anyway?

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    Replies
    1. Nothing. Except when you don't forget to shake.

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  5. Yes, I remember this one! Not the rhymes, but definitely the idea of a man overheating his nuts and letting it all hang out in front of his wife. When you've got a good story, the poetry don't matter.

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  6. You could have done "portmanteau", I guess, but that's hardly as... uh, striking an image as a fat, naked Brando.

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    1. Yeah, it's stuck in my brain.
      I have only myself to blame.

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  7. Commando is something I just don't want to know
    even if it is a young(not old) Marlon Brando

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  8. Don't get how anyone could go commando and let's be honest here most will not they may say they do but I don't think they will because they are not going to be comfortable

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    Replies
    1. Especially since those zippers can be murder.

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  9. Innuendo? I once knew a rock band called "Inyurendo." Great name, but not so much the music.

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    1. I thought they were Italian suppositories.

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  10. Off-the-chart sillies kept me going this morn. This was so hystericando, I'm going commando too. I'll wait til I bathe tonight, though. It's too cold to do that now. What's that? Hey, Al, I think I heard some cursing from the cooler. Something like "You think it's cold out there? Try it in here, b*tch!"

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    1. I think one of the cool things in life is to see something that you know you inspired. You can include the continual posting of the tighty-whitey and coleman cooler pictures as something YOU inspired. Remember that, whenever you see them, I'm thinking of you. Wait. That doesn't sound TOO creepy, does it?

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  11. Is it wrong that I immediately remembered this one from the first photo?

    The tighty whiteys must be burned into my brain...

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    Replies
    1. It really is one of my favorite pictures!

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  12. I don't care what anyone says, I love that photo......and your poetry. "Don't cook your eggs too long, all the cookbooks say." In fact I just told that to a daughter the other day. But I meant the ones in the pan on the stove.
    Great poem.

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  13. That poem is half decent, Al. But I'm a bit disappointed that you didn't incorporate 'dildo' to rhyme with 'commando' - missed a trick there, I think!

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  14. An apology to the cat?
    No need for all that!
    Your rhyme took great care
    while you talked about underwear!

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  15. Good to visit your site as a part of my A to Z visits. My theme Blog Promotion
    Welcome to A to Z April Blogging Challenge 2016 - Co-Participant - Nrao - NRao Blogs
    @knoltweet
    NRao Blogs - 2016 A to Z Challenge Blog Posts
    Management Theory Review

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