|"A frikkin' star? Couldn't get a trip-tik like a normal person, could you?"|
Quick, who forgot to get their "Epiphany" cards?
Today is January 6th (you may know this) to everyone who is
|"January 6th, you say? Good to know. |
Incidentally (I didn't know this), the Monday after Epiphany is called "Plough Monday."
No, I don't know why.
|"It's not 'Plow' Monday, you idiot!"|
|"You'll be wanting to watch|
what you use to type, boyo!"
Even though Epiphany is mainly an Eastern Orthodox kind of thing, regular Catholics (and "Heathen Protestants," according to Sister Mary Flatulence) celebrate it, too.
|"Okay, you guys are kind of weird, |
but you have cool hats."
Sometime after the little Baby Jesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem because there was no room at the inn (I think Linus told us this story in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"), they hightailed back to Nazareth, because Mary had set up the baby's room, complete with a new crib and the newest "Walk on Water" bassinet from the Nazareth Walmart. Besides, the local chapter of the Judea Carpenter's Union only gave Joseph a couple days off from work.
Meanwhile, drawn by a bright star in the Western (I think) sky, three kings (or so the Christmas carol says) began their journey to visit the new king. Even though they were kings already, I gotta wonder, why would they care? Maybe cable was out or they were itching for a road trip.
The kings (aka "Three Wise Men" or "Magi") were:
Melchior from Persia. What Iran used to be called, once and future home of crazy people.
Balthazar from Babylonia, which became Iraq, another once and future home of crazy people.
Caspar from India (since he was the dude with the longest trip, I
|There wasn't a spare camel |
for Casper the Friendly Wise Man.
With them, they brought gifts for the king: gold, frankincense, and myrrh (whatever the frik that is. It's tough enough remembering how to spell it). This, despite Mary clearly stating in the birth announcement that she wanted diapers, wipes, and "Bob the Builder" onesies.
Since Balthazar lost the map, they had to go through Jerusalem to ask for directions. They told King Herod they were looking for a new king. Of course, the king, being a king, was a little peeved. He told them he didn't know, but when they found out, they needed to let him know. That way, he could go honor him.
Politicians lying. Yeah, I'm totally shocked, too.
As most of you probably know, this was a lie. Herod, when the Magi didn't get back to him, went nuts and ordered the slaughter of a grunch of innocent children.
***NOTE: This is the serious part of the story. I won't be joking here. Hope you understand.***
|"Said we need to go through the first |
Roman triumphal arch we come to,
then take a left at the next traffic circle.
It will be the first house past
the Feinberg Deli on Holy Family Court.
Said we can't miss it, it'll be all glowing and shit."
Mary, always the gracious hostess, offered them bagels and coffee cake that she bought with the gold they brought while they took turns burping the baby.
Since she had no frikkin' idea what myrrh was, she fed it to their goats.
Who, unfortunately, all died.
After spending a night in the Christs' guest room, they decided to return home before their wives discovered they really weren't going out for milk and a paper. Once Balthasar told Melchior he wasn't allowed to take the towels, that is. However, they took a different way. Not only did they want to avoid any uncomfortable conversations with Herod, that prissy Caspar wanted to take the "scenic" route.
He also wanted to take as much time as he could before having to take down his Santa Claus and reindeer decorations from the front yard.
|"You didn't learn any of that at Saint Stanislaus! |
Knuckles, if you please, Mr. Penwasser!"