Saturday, March 28, 2015

See You Soon Folks

Gotta get ready for the A-Z Challenge, don'tcha know.
I may even bathe.

See you next week!
On April Fool's Day.
No kidding.

NOTE to Mrs. Penwasser:  You may try me anytime.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Captain Caption LXIV

  As we prepare to write, read, or take the month off for the 2015 A-Z Challenge, I thought that, for this week's Captain Caption, I'd use a picture of pure innocence and not bombard you with a snarky comment.  Because, these children are really what's most important.

Besides, there's plenty of time for them to learn fart jokes.

Monday, March 23, 2015

A-Z Challenge Theme Reveal

"But, seriously, not as much a surprise
if you found out I was gay, right?"
    Well, this probably won't come as much of a surprise, but I've decided to once again enter the A-Z Challenge.  

    It also won't come as much of a surprise that I will be going with a theme.  In 2011 and 2012, I just winged it (like Congress).  It was a virtual grab bag of whatever I felt like writing, as long as it coincided with the day's particular letter.  

  For instance, for "U," I chose "Underwear Wars" in 2011 (which
My guess is that I have used
this picture more than any other.
I can't help it, though.
Gary Coleman is just so damn cute here.*
you would know if you read my warmed-over repost on March 2nd).  In 2013, I decided to become a little more disciplined and adopt a specific theme.  Since I like history (being old, I've seen a lot of it), I went with posts that dealt with topics of a historical nature (hope you're following me).  For instance, for 'X' I chose 'Xerxes."  Come to think of it, I also chose 'Xerxes' in 2012.  So, I probably should have chosen 'Lazy' for 'L."  Anyway, the Xerxes one was one of my favorites.  Which you would also know since I reposted it AGAIN this month.  Yep.  Lazy.

    In 2014, I decided that I was overburdened, overwhelmed, and
Happy I did it, though.
Even though, as of this date,
millions remain unsold
and I can't get any more gigolo gigs.
Apparently, all the old broads have died.
overstimulated.  I had a book in the works, as some of you may know.  I wanted to devote more attention to it so that it would become a bestseller and I could finally give up my job as a male prostitute to women with shockingly low standards.

    Some of you may remember that I took a few months break starting with the 2014 Challenge.   After that time, though, I realized that I missed writing and, if I'm wasn't going to make any money at it, I may as well return to Blogger.

  I'm writing the sequel to It's Not Just A Job, though because I still like to write about my time in the Navy.  At least before I die.  I have every confidence that It's An Adventure will have the same dust-collecting performance as its predecessor.

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! He said 'bone!'"
Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be such a big surprise.
  Oh, wait, what's my theme this year?  So as not to tax my writing bone (NOTE:  there is no such bone), I'm going with a classic Japanese art form, the Haiku.  While there are other ways of doing it, I am going to go with a three line, 5-7-5 syllable format.  That way, I can get it and get out (or, as Mrs. Penwasser likes to say, "Get In and Get Off").

    I already have a few haikus ready and will start coming to a computer near you on April 1st.

My Haikus Are Done
None of Them Are Serious
Oh, no! Godzilla! 

    Told you it was Japanese.

Cool Raymond Burr Godzilla.
Not the sucky Matthew Broderick one.

*NOT Gary Coleman.  Gary Coleman is dead.  And that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Captain Caption LXIII

"Hey, little darlin', you married?
Shoot, I'm just joshin'.
But, seriously, are you?"

Sunday, March 15, 2015

FROM 2012!! The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

Wow, this really is a long post.  Sorry about that.  Please feel free to skim, glance at the pictures, and then make a quick "Are Titty-Twisters the same as Purple Nurples?"* comment.  Or read the whole thing, especially if it's raining outside and you have nothing else to do.  It's not like I would l know the difference.

* They are
"Oh, yeah? Well, you try sleeping with all these curlers in your hair and beard
and see if you don't feel like invading Greece!"

NOTE:  The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words.  Most of which I didn’t make up.  That Kardashian one is probably bogus, though.

  When last we met.....

And, to make matters worse, all they had 
at Redbox was My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  Having grown weary of the indignities suffered by his people at the hands of the Greeks, Xerxes prepared to invade.  As if defeat at Marathon wasn’t bad enough, the Persians had gotten sick and tired of all that bouzouki music playing till all hours of the night.

"Hey, what the frik, Stavros!?
I said goat testicles!!"
  NOTE:  I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments.  The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.”  Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”

  Setting out from Persepolis (after having to briefly turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.  But, the Phoenicians would only go only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way.

The Phoenicians learned, to their chagrin, that it's
next to impossible to keep this from spoiling in the desert
heat.  Especially considering refrigerators wouldn't be
invented until the 19th century.
  Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” he grudgingly agreed.

  After all, they did bring the potato salad.

"So, the Great Satan won't be around
for another couple thousand years or so.
That's cool. We can wait."
  The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

    Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year.  Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

"Wouldn't just peeing in it get your point across?"
    In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.  Despite Private Miachinbaack "Corky" Fetters' vehement protests that he had nothing to do with the storm.

    Finally, after getting some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece.  Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way.  Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never can be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.

Persian Immortals
Xerxes 1st choice, the Avengers, forced to drop out
when the Hulk couldn't get a suit of armor which fit.
    Taking up winter quarters in Sardis, because there was no sense visiting nude beaches in the winter, Xerxes set out in the spring of 480 BC.  His fleet and army had been estimated by Herodotus (noted drunk) to number 1,000,000, along with 10,000 elite warriors known as the Immortals.

He's looked better.
Plus, it's a bitch to drink now.
    First concentrating on Sparta (since Athens was still in the shower), the Persian army clashed with 300 warriors led by King Leonidas at Thermopylae.  Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inability to understand why the Spartan king had a Scottish accent, the 300 were slaughtered after a traitor showed the Persians the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).
Not what I meant by 'looking better.'
May want to lay off that deep-fried baklava, Leonidas.

    Hey, don’t take my word for it.  Rent the movie.  It has some cool naked scenes in it.

    After Sparta, Athens was captured.  Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claimed he did nothing of the sort.  Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?

    Oh, I don’t know.  Anyone who’d whip water a couple hundred times?

"Maybe we shouldn't have attacked after lunch...?
I think we all could've done with a little nap.
My insurance is gonna skyrocket now!"
    Xerxes then decided to attack the Greek fleet at Salamis in September, 480 BC.  This proved to be a disaster because, despite outnumbering their foe, the Persian warships were no match for the maneuverable little Greek vessels.

    Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who really never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god), Xerxes sent most of his army home.  He left a token force behind in Greece under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year.  After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.

    To continue to kill each other.

    In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?). 

    What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack.  It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet.  Although Chris Matthews was there....).  Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE:  Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.

"Okay, which one of you is the eunuch?
C'mon, drop 'em. We ain't got all day."
    However, according to Aristotle, noted Greek philosopher, mentor to Alexander the Great, and owner of a chain of diners in the Peloponnesus, Artabanus killed Darius firstbefore killing Xerxes with the help of a eunuch, who undoubtedly was cranky because he hadn’t had his coffee yet.  Then, once Ataxerxes found out who the real culprit was, he whacked Artabanus.

    Seriously, though, who really cares?  They’re all dead now, anyway.

    Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persian people (who really haven’t had all that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’

    There’s much more to his story, to be sure.  For instance, I omitted the details of his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his tempestuous 72 day marriage to Artossa Kardashian.  Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world. 

    He also liked body piercings and balloon animals.
"Why have souvlaki when you can have Testicle Kabobs instead?"
-Farhoud Ghorbani, Owner
 Xerxes the Great Diner-Home of the 500-item Salad Bar and Endless Chocolate Fountain
 Just off Route 287, Parsipanny, New Jersey

    But, like what Rosie O’Donnell looks like naked, I’ll just leave that to your imagination.

    You may want to have that imagination steam-cleaned though.


Thursday, March 12, 2015

Captain Caption LXIII

"You know when there's only one sheet left on the roll?
  Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.
 But, then the sinks don't work and that can be pretty embarrassing.
I honestly don't know how the Arabs do it."

Sunday, March 8, 2015

From 2012-Xerxes!!

"Oh, yeah? Cross me, you Persian faggot
and I will soooo eff you up!"
    Was he the most powerful individual in antiquity?  Did he hold sway over all the world, except for China, the Mafia, South America, the Eskimos, New Jersey, the Super Friends, George Soros, Batman, and Betty White?  Was he a raging flamer who showed an inordinate interest in Leonidas’s fighting prowess and loincloth?

    Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging.  Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies wouldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.

    After all, if it's on the internet, it must be true.

Why brothers and sisters should never marry

    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on.  After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business.  But, the Persians played it on the up and up.

    Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would grease his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

    NOTE:  Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia.  Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.

"C'mon tough guy! We got pyramids
and brothers and sisters who marry each other.
And plagues of frogs and boils.
But, hey, who doesn't?"
    Anyway, Darius was all pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean.  So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.

    Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.

"Plus, for a small fee, we can make
that pain-in-the-ass
building inspector
from Persepolis just disappear."
    Before he left the country, Persian law (wasn’t he the boss?) dictated that he name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.

    Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved (after the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed), construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

To be continued....

This has gone on long enough.  I hope to next week present "The Great Xerxes the Great" sequel.


But, seriously, if you've seen the movie, you probably know as much about Xerxes as you want to.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Captain Caption LXII

"What's more, I think having 'last call' at 2 AM is entirely too early.
After all, I...what?
I should use Visine?

Monday, March 2, 2015

The 2011 Underwear Wars

  Since I decided to participate in this year's A-Z Challenge, I'm going to spend most of March preparing for it.  My goal is to get as many posts ready on delay so that I may peruse blogs from people far more talented than I.   And, basically, goof off all through April.
  I may have reposted this before.  Or not.  I know for a fact that I've used this picture plenty of times before, though.  This is just a shot of Christian Bale before he got famous.  And Gary Coleman before he got dead.*
  In any case, I plan on reheating old nuggets of trash from prior challenges to get you prepared for the 2015 Challenge (and nausea).  Captain Captions will remain original because, after all, how difficult are they to write, really?
  When this originally posted, the only one of you out there who read it (or at least commented) was Jenny.  So, she can take a pass.  Yeah, like the rest of you are being held against your will.
  Anyway, I hope you enjoy.  And, if you want to visit a blogger with real poetic talent, may I suggest Pat Hatt and the cat?

*This is a lie.  I have no idea who these guys are.  And, frankly, if I saw a group of dudes strolling down a road in their skivvies, I wouldn't want to know who they were.

The Underwear Wars

  Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,
that were liked by men both weak and mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret
and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and moaned, “I hate the big hole.
It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief
She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)