Saturday, January 31, 2015

It WAS An Adventure

Please excuse the bit of an ego trip, but I'm feeling a tad nostalgic today.  Not for brown hair and the ability to burp without needing a Pepsi.  Although, there is that.

But, there was a time when....

From Pensacola, Florida to Brunswick, Maine to Rota, Spain to Sigonella, Sicily to Keflavik, Iceland to the USS Constitution*.

*I was not part of the original crew.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Captain Caption LVII

"Oh, hell, Jesse, don't sweat it.  No way we go to North Korea!
I don't care what they called Barry.
Seriously, those crazy slant-eyed ni**ers will totally eff us up.
Better we should scare the batcrap out of Whitey
and burn down Vietnamese liquor stores."

Sunday, January 25, 2015

It's a Conundrum

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, when faced with a dilemma....

What you're supposed to think:  "Hmm, I really should sign that Animal Welfare Bill, shouldn't I?"

What he's actually thinking:  "Hmm, should I get the glazed?  Or jelly-filled?  Or both?"

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Captain Caption LVI

"We will now start the bidding with a collection of the Ayatollah Khomeini's underwear.  Can I hear three goats?  C'mon, people,
 these were never washed!  Three goats...three goats...FOUR!
  Four goats...four goats...four goats...going once, going twice...
SOLD to the gentleman from North Korea!
And we thank you for your business.
You may pick up your complimentary ballistic missile
 on your way out.
Oh, where are my manners?  Death to America!"

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Mr. Owl

  Wow.  Two 'Captain Captions' in a row have inspired further explanation.  Although, this time, it has nothing to do with Barack Obama.
"Hey, did you hear, Joe?
It has nothing to do with us this time.
That's a relief."
  When I displayed a picture of Mr. Owl, with a statement that it takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, Michael from the highly entertaining A Life Examined asked "Really?"  I assume that he was clowning around (read his blog-you'll see why I would think he was kidding.  He's an Australian version of me.  Only younger.  And talented.  And better looking.  Okay, nothing like me).

  On the other hand, maybe he was serious, like Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  After all, the Mr. Owl commercial was from the 70s which, I assume, was before Michael was born.  So, I think he can be excused for not not knowing.  After all, I don't have a real clear recollection of Speedy Alka-Seltzer and Burma Shave commercials. 
"Kids, I hear that Santa and his sleigh have been picked up by NORAD."
"Really, Clark?"
  So, just in case some of you didn't get the joke, here's the commercial from a long time ago when I didn't have hair on my...well, you never mind about that.

  When you're done, may I suggest you visit Michael?  Like I said, he's Australian and it's summer down there.  For those of you in the United States (and Lansing, Michigan) shivering in the cold, some summer talk may help.  You can tell him Al sent you.  So he knows who to blame.
"Plus, it's so bloody hot a bloke has to doff his shorts
to relieve pressure on the undercarriage.
If you know what I mean."

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Captain Caption LV

Inspired by my best friend, Tom Spagnoula....

"No, I have no idea how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
I think you have me confused for someone else.

"You got that right.
By the way...three."

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

According to Sam Clemens, aka Mark Twain, that is.

Phil Donahue
Ultra-liberal and former talk show host
Still alive

Dear tenants of Penwasser Place,

    It has come to my attention that, in a sad attempt to be funny, Al Penwasser reported that I was dead in a post this past Saturday.  

   While a somewhat humorous tale of a somewhat poignant reunion, Mr. Penwasser missed the boat when it came to me.

    Even though I was born in 1935, I can assure each and every one of you that I am indeed still kicking.  And, even though my TV show, the rather uncreatively-named Donahue, has been off the air for quite a whileplease know that I keep myself busy in many other areas, none of which I can remember at this time.  Plus, you wouldn't believe the deals I can get at Denny's when I show them my Screen Actors Guild membership card.  On a related note, I'm not entirely sure where I put my pants.  

  So, the next time some untalented little twerp tries to tell you that I have assumed ambient temperature, you let them know that they are hopelessly wrong.

  Now if I could only get someone to help me find my trousers, that'd be swell.

P. Donahue

"You may also want to let that snarky smart-ass know
that Marlo is still hot, too.
He should be so lucky to look this good." 
Incidentally, he also got this wrong.
The deer's ass still hangs over the bar at the Windmill.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

This I Believe

He has less hair now.
I still have the corduroy suit.
Hey, you never know.
    By the time you read this, I'll be on my way to Stratford, Connecticut, to visit some old friends (by the way, have I told you how I feel about 'Delay Post'?  FAHBULOUS!).

    We'll be meeting at an old place called the "Windmill."  It's a divey little joint, but we used to patronize it quite a bit in our younger days.  

    Go ahead and Google it, if you wish.  I relish the nostalgia and what I think is great food.  Mrs. Penwasser just calls it the place where I get bad hot dogs.
They've jazzed the joint up, though.
For instance, that deer's ass no longer hangs over the bar.
And they've removed the troughs from the Mens' Room.
I think the one in the Ladies' Room is still there.
What can I say?
They cater to a tough crowd.

    Still, I'm really looking forward to it.

    Why?  Well, because I'll get a chance to see old friends again.  Trust me, it won't be long before we're all wearing pajamas, eating soft foods, and talking to squirrels every day (and not just on weekends.  Like me).  I haven't seen two of them in forty-three years!

    One, though, I see on a fairly regular basis.  And that is the point of this drawn-out post.  Rather than name him by name, I'll just call him "Spags."  Heck, I may as well, because he's the inspiration behind the character of Tommy Spagnoula in Shag Carpet Toilet.

Now on sale on Amazon!
You may have heard this once or twice.
Spags is also in this one, as well.
Although not as much.
But, there's a lot of dirty words in it.
For My European Friends:
Phil Donahue was an ultra-liberal.
But, he was married to Marlo Thomas.
Who was pretty hot.
Back in the day.
    You see, Spags and I could hardly be farther apart, politically.  He makesPhil Donahue look like George  Patton.  Whereas I make George Patton look like...well...George Patton.  We even debated the Nixon-McGovern campaign at Summer Camp.  Yeah, imagine that summer camp!

    With the exception of my brothers and sister, there is nobody on this planet whom I've known longer (to which most people comment, "Oh, that poor bastard.").

    Anyway, despite all this, I love the guy like a brother and am proud to call him my best friend.  Whenever we meet, we just don't discuss anything remotely political or, if we do, it's usually a joke of some kind (most of you are probably thinking, "Well, that's not a surprise!).

    So, it made me somewhat sad when Dawn from the entertaining Lighten Up! blog expressed some reticence about expressing what she called a "minority opinion" in response to my latest "Captain Caption."

    Pshaw, I said!  All opinions are welcome.  I have no doubt that a lot of you do not share my outlook on life (as a bonus, most of you have a grasp on sanity, as well).  That is perfectly okay.  But, I am willing to bet you that, like Spags and I, we have MUCH MORE in common.

    Never worry about being yourself with me.  I am a conservative.  This is true.  I make no apologies about it.  But, I'm not a zealot who thinks anyone who disagrees with me is a fool.  That, to use a tired cliche, is not how I roll.  If I comment on your blog or otherwise engage with you, I consider you my friend, cyber or otherwise.

  If you leave because of an offense you've taken, that will genuinely make me sad.

  After all, some of my best friends are liberals.

  In fact, I'm looking forward to having a chili dog and a beer with one of them.
Marlo Thomas.
She was pretty hot.
Back in the day.
Not so much.
But, she still looks better than Phil.
Who's dead.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Captain Caption LIV

"Yeah, hi.
The folks at FOX News said I should come 

here to get a box of 'Get the F**k Out.'
Is this the right place?"

Monday, January 5, 2015

It Never Ends

"He told me all I had to do was take this small pill and he'd give me a pudding pop.
Next thing I know...I wake up naked standing on a seashell with some crazy chick blowing on me.  That's the last time I watch The Cosby Show, that's for damn sure!"

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Happy New Year!

  I'm going to write something new today and will delay posting it until tomorrow.  Or Monday.  No sense getting all energetic and stuff.  But, I wanted to post at least something today so you didn't think I skipped out on the rent money was dead.

  So, I decided to give you something I posted on Facebook to tide you over (yeah, like your very survival depends on Penwasser Place).  
  So, some of you may have seen it.  Some of you may have.  And some of you may have had a great New Year celebration and can't remember if you have.  To you I say, "Well done!"

  Anyway, enjoy.  Or not.  I hope you do.

In a startling development, the ghost of Queen Victoria has come forward
to claim she was sexually molested during a seance
held at the comedian Bill Cosby's house in 1972.
Why did she wait over 40 years to come forward?
That's Victoria's Secret.

"Okay, so she's a dead fat chick, but ah'd sure tap that!
HOOWEE, lookit that crown!"