Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Happy Chanukah Part II

  I had originally planned to go into an intricately detailed description of the Festival of Lights, but alas I cannot.  Time constraints being what they are, I need to go to work soon and cannot devote the amount of time that I would like.    

  I mean, it's not like this is a repost which I can dust off and fling at you like three day old fish.  Similar to a selfish lover, I need to get in and get out.

Lucky you.

These things don't clean themselves, you know.
    I'll just do the best I can with whatever my research (and former experience....after all, the first Mrs. Penwasser was Jewish.  Presumably still is.  Jewish, not Mrs. Penwasser.  Lucky girl) has provided me.  If I can't remember something, I'll make it up.  But then again, Robyn will correct me if I dork things up.
"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! He said 'dork'!!"
       Like I said, though, this will be brief, because I need to go to work.
"You've already wasted a couple of paragraphs!
Get TO it, ya moeron!!"

Hanukkah
A Goyim's Perspective
Now with Alternate Spelling!

  A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the Rebel Alliance was....wait....nuts!  Wrong notes.  Hang on.

  A long time ago (still the same galaxy, so we're cool), Syrian Greeks invaded Palestine/Judea/Israel/Somewhere Over There.  They ruled the local people with an iron fist and insisted they adhere to their dictates, whether it be worshipping pagan gods or eating BLTs at diners.

Because they were Greek.  I hope everybody got that.
    Anyhoo, the locals got seriously hacked off about it and threw off the shackles of their masters (I'm not sure how that sentence would go over with my Creative Writing teachers, but screw them).
"Very rude.  Knuckles, if you please,  Mr. Penwasser."
    They tossed the Greeks out of their country, telling them to return to where they belonged, like New Jersey.
Because there's a lot of diners in New Jersey.
It's tough having to keep explaining the jokes.
    When the Jewish people entered the temple to set up shop again and toss out the Baklava Idols, they realized that it got dark at night.  But, they only had enough oil to light their candle/menorah for only one night.
 
Baklava-A yummy, Greek pastry
  Since the local gas station was closed, they knew they were in a real pickle.
Complicated by the fact that gas stations
wouldn't be invented for another couple thousand years or so.

  However, the oil lasted for eight crazy nights!
"What the f...that's our line!"
  As result, Jewish people the world over gather together to commemorate that time in their history when God miraculously provided them with enough oil to last throughout the rededication of their Temple.


And convince Schlomo to put on the Dreidel Costume
again when he went into a diner.
Okay, I really have to get to work now.  Maybe I'll stop off at the Red Lion Diner on my way.  I hear they have great baklava.

HAPPY CHANUKAH!!!

"So, you're a few days late.  Pull up a chair!
Just wash your hands.  I hear you clean toilets."

40 comments:

  1. Thanks for the info--now I know the TRUE story of Hannukah (sp?) Hanukka (sp?) Chanukah (sp?) this holiday!!

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    1. Make sure that whenever you say it, you sound like you're hawking up a loogie.

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  2. Thanks for explaining this holiday in your inimitable style. Very enjoyable.

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    1. I just hope nobody uses these things to study for an AP History exam.

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  3. I am Greek and I was not aware of this tale.

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    1. Well, they were Syrian Greeks, so there's that.
      The baklava was breathtaking, though!

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    2. I think it's an Alexander the Great thing.

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  4. Baklava idols... are they like the Broccoli gods?

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  5. I guess Zeus didn't have the juice or would that be his punishment for the Greeks, kicking them to New Jersey? lol

    Never knew why it was 8 days, now I do.

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    Replies
    1. The things you learned. And you thought it was just an Adam Sandler cartoon.

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  6. Interesting and funny, except the part about commodes.

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  7. I adore baklava, but it has to be the real thing--not something churned out in a factory.

    Love,
    Janie

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  8. So somewhere over there is where the rainbow is and we can hear Judy singing away while eating baklava. I never knew this was how it all started especially regarding the oil

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    1. And Toto got the bits which Judy spit out while singing.

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  9. Did you and the first Mrs Penwasser get divorced on Chanukah? You could have been the idol that got tossed out of her temple.

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    1. We got divorced sometime around April Fools Day. Which is tellingly ironic, I think.

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  10. I learned the story of Chanukah from Rugrats. The main character's dad is Christian (presumably) and his mother is Jewish. Talk about a good holiday time

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    1. You know, when my kids watched Rugrats, I told them that the cartoon got it right. Speaking from my previous experience married to the Bug-Eyed Woman.
      It was Chuckie's parents, wasn't it?

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  11. I am awaiting Robyn's approval of this post before I commit to saying - hilarious, oy vey.

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    1. Right after I hit "Return," I'm heading over to Robyn's blog and tell her that you're waiting.

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    2. Done. And now I wait with baited breath.
      Guess I should brush my teeth.
      And use mouthwash.

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    3. Because it's baited.
      I really should stop explaining the jokes.

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    4. I'm farklempt and honored by all this meshegosh. Thank you, Joanne, for restraining from schmaltz and the hawking of loogies. My verdict...

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    5. Wait, is Schlomo single? He's kinda cute. I think I saw him on Jdate. Do you have his number? I want to spin him...badly.

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    6. Oh, my verdict, nu? You might be a shaykster, shlamiel or shlamazel, but you're a smart one, Al Penwasserstein. Mazal Tov. This is good, and New Jersey is the anti-Holy Land. But baklava? Not so good, no. You, you sit and eat and try my bubbes sufganiot (jelly donuts, traditional Hanukah treats). It is the best, no? xo

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    7. Oh, my verdict, nu? You might be a shaykster, shlamiel or shlamazel, but you're a smart one, Al Penwasserstein. Mazal Tov. This is good, and New Jersey is the anti-Holy Land. But baklava? Not so good, no. You, you sit and eat and try my bubbes sufganiot (jelly donuts, traditional Hanukah treats). It is the best, no? xo

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    8. Mmmmmmmm.......doughnuts.....
      I could be GOVERNOR of New Jersey!

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    9. You're way too skinny for that. Eat, eat! You're a growing boy! Eat! I made knish and strudle and sufganiot and gefilte fish. What's a matter, you don't like my cooking? Do you know how long I slaved in the hot kitchen for you? Where did I go wrong?

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    10. sounds like Robyn gave you a thumbs up, or wait...is that the finger? Either way, I'm a fan and I might even convert. Happy Hanakuh, Chanuka, and Kwanzaa, y'all

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  12. Mr. Penwasser. That photo of the Olympia Diner is actually the very diner on the Berlin Turnpike in Cromwell CT and NOT NJ. PLEASE get your geography lessons correct or you will have to stay after class to clean erasers and blackboards. Penguins kept cheap child labor!!

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    1. I knew that when I did a search of diners. I had searched for "New Jersey Diners," but didn't like what I saw. Then searched for "Greek diners." Bingo!
      BTW (how would you know?), I know the Berlin Turnpike VERY well. I lived in Wallingford before I went into the Navy which is very close to that charming little stretch of road (Route 15). Back then, there was a drive-in which showed pornos and several booby bars.
      So I've been told.

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    2. You were told right!! Lol. I take my granddaughters there everytime I visit CT. Bruce lived right around the corner from that diner so that's how I found it. He just forgot to tell me he lived there with another woman!!

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  13. If I remember correctly, I think the turnpike also goes through Cromwell (close to Hartford...?),

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  14. I've now added 'historical know-all' to your growing list of talents. Thanks for the info.

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    1. My posts should come with a Warning Label: "If you're using Penwasser Place to study for the Advanced Placement History Exam, there's no hope for you."

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