Sunday, December 20, 2015

A Penwasser Christmas (the Conclusion)

For Part I, visit my December 17th post.  Yeah, like anyone ever clicks on these links. Really no biggie if you don't, though.  But, you should go at least to check out the pictures.  There's one of Nixon and a midget camel.  Although, it's not like you missed any vital plot elements.  If you've come to Penwasser Place expecting "vital plot elements," you need serious psychological help.
I mean, I have a picture of me sitting on a toilet on the street.


    When last we left the Penwasser family, they were returning home from a joyous Christmas celebration at Saint Stanislaus Roman Catholic Church....

And, by they, I mean we.
But, you probably already knew that.

"Who the frik needs kung-fu grip?
Damn oven melted my junk off."
   Once home, we joyfully returned to our toys, although now we wanted to see how creative we could get. For instance, G.I. Joe (with “Kung Fu grip”) didn’t fare too well in the Soviet EZ Bake Oven.  We also discovered that, if you removed the rubber suction cups, toy arrows sharpen up real nice.

    Meanwhile, Mom merrily prepared the 
Some cultures adhere
to the charming "Feast of
the Seven Fishes."
Although one seems
plenty for this guy.
“Holiday Feast.”  The star of the show was, of course, the turkey, which had been mummifying in the oven the past two days.  Its aroma filled the house with flavor and its burning grease flooded the kitchen with smoke. 

    Besides the turkey, dinner featured food you’d only see one other time:  Thanksgiving.  For instance, I can’t imagine any egg nog keggers at a Fourth of July picnic.

"Vat do you mean 'I suck?'
Oh, I'm a vampire.
Good one.
But, I will have some of that blood pudding
    When presented a choice of turnips, squash, candied yams, egg nog, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce (always from the can), marzipan, sweet potato souffle with mini-marshmallows, the horrifying blood pudding, mincemeat pie, and the ubiquitous fruitcake, we usually preferred white meat, Hungry Jack mashed potatoes, and marshmallow snowmen.
"Whatever Vlad doesn't have, I'll eat."
NOTE:  Second use of Nixon in one story.  

My picture budget has been scaled back, you know.

    After which, we flung dinner rolls at Karen and the dog, Duke IV.

    Sufficiently gorged, we retired to the living room to strap Karen’s Barbie to “Revolving Color Wheel of Death” while Mom hosed down the dining room.  Dad, on the other hand, attired in his festive tee shirt and tighty-whiteys, plopped in front of the television and scratched his back with a fork.

    As afternoon dragged toward evening, our eyelids grew heavy.  Our early morning rampage had finally caught up with us and, chocolate-fueled frenzy notwithstanding, we were sliding closer to sleep.

    Through lidded eyes, I remember my father lurching toward the kitchen.  Before I lapsed into a food coma, I heard a faint, “Boy, I sure could use a turkey sandwich with Miracle Whip.”

Smeared with feces, these are
also a hit with the Viet Cong.
    Followed by a harsh string of colorful holiday expressions of goodwill as he stepped on one of our pointed wooden arrows.

   “Hey,” Gary mumbled as he drifted off to sleep, “Santa’s back.”

    Let’s see Kwanzaa match those kind of holiday memories.
Swahili for "Something to do between Christmas and New Years."


  1. You had me at midget camel...



    1. Midget ANYthing usually does it for me.

  2. That's a lot of food. lol those arrows can sharpen pretty well. I heard the language more for lego left around that got stepped on though.

    1. I called those "Yuletide Expressions of Goodwill."

  3. What do GI Joe and Bones have in common? Yep, you guessed it. Neither has a penis.

    1. So, who's it for?

    2. Stop it. You guys. You're meshugenah! Oy vey. But that's a good question, Al.

    3. You hear that GI Joe ended up blind when he went to a bathhouse?
      You hadda hand it him.

  4. your Dad and my Dad (and Santa) know the same language - only it was Legos that did the trick.Fun times and good memories.You crack me up. Happy Kwanzaa, y'all!

    1. That reminds me...I need to get my Kwanzaa cards in the mail.

  5. Replies
    1. Even "Happy Boxing Day" will be gratefully accepted.

  6. I love strapping Barbie to the Christmas tree color wheel. I can really picture that.

    1. We actually did that.
      Good times, good times.

  7. And to all a good night! Until NY Eve at least. That was another argument in our house.

    1. I love New Years Eve. I drink a bottle of wine and watch Tines Square disappear.

  8. Thank for a post that has made me feel so very tired, oh hang on that isn't the fault of the post it is the fault of me feeling unwell

    1. You could always blame the sweet potato soufflé.

  9. Happy Holidays, actually Merry Christmas only. Bill O'Reilly forgot to tell me that New Years is also part of Happy Holidays

    1. And, as much as I make fun of it, Happy Kwanzaa.
      Why get all bent when someone wishes you well?
      I'll take all the good wishes I can get.

  10. I was about to lampoon your dad for wearing "tighty-whiteys" when I got to the next bit about scratching his back with a fork. Man, that sounds good. He reminds me of Baloo in The Jungle Book.

  11. poor GI Joe, from the head up,he looks like that guy who used to do painting on PBS. Alas the afro guy is no more. Now I understand why GI Joe had a girly voice. Legos were the kill toy of feet for my parents and since my dad was a lumberman, he knew how to let the words fly. One of my fondest memories was seeing my mom, dressed in her finest, breaking down the wood paneling in the downstairs bedroom since a cat decided to get caught between the walls. My dad was upstairs, sitting back having a drink.