Thursday, November 26, 2015

Gee, Thanks (Part III)

"Okay, so I'm finally inside.  But, after all those chimichangas around the fire, a skeleton has to do what a skeleton has to do, amirite?  I still have to introduce the conclusion, though.  Apparently, Mrs. Penwasser gave Al the job of sticking his hand up a dead bird's anal cavity-which I think he kind of digs.  So, I hope you enjoy the conclusion of this horrid Thanksgiving observance.  Oh, before you go...could you shut the door?"  

    In homes across the nation, this scene will be played out anew (during halftime).  In the true spirit of the holiday, millions of family members will likewise be grilled or have their pumpkin pie withheld.

    This year, though, in a break from tradition, I plan on regaling my family with a list of things I’d be thankful for if they actually happened.


1.  That Michael Phelps got so baked he ate so many subs and ended up looking like how that Jared guy from Subway used to look.
Yeahhhhhhh...this is probably a little dated. Have you seen pictures of Jared lately?
They went to Jared

2.  My doctor ordered me to eat at Hooters.

3.  My dentist told me flossing was overrated.

4.  My wife thought the Three Stooges were hilarious.

5.  The French thought Jerry Lewis was not.

6.  They would take that creepy Halls’ commercial off the air.  You know the one I mean.  That college kid and Mom checking each other out while sucking on cough drops just skeeves me.
NOTE:  This commercial no longer exists, thank God.  I told you it was a repost.  I’ll switch this for the one where those dumbasses talk their coworker into taking his car to AAMCO. 
NOTE:  This commercial no longer exists.  Now, all we have are Jeb Bush political ads.  I miss that Halls spot.

Or, heaven help me, even the one with this little creepy stalker.

7.  My golf and bowling scores were reversed.

8.  Man boobs were considered sexy.

9.  Christmas ads didn’t start on Labor Day weekend.

10.  Cashiers didn’t insist I “Have a nice day.”  That’s pressure I can do without.

11.  Once, just once, my order at the drive-thru wasn’t hopelessly screwed up.

12.  McDonalds dropped all the coy pretense.  Honestly, what kid would prefer carrots over French Fries?

13.  Speaking of McDonalds, I’d be thankful if the world was devoid of idiots who needed to be reminded, “Caution:  Coffee is hot.”

14.  I had the option of taking a written prostate exam.

15.  Congress would forget to set their alarm clocks.  For the next 50 years.

16.  Michael Moore would just shut the F up.

17.  Halloween wasn’t the “Fall Festival”, Christmas wasn’t the “Winter Festival”, Columbus Day wasn’t the “European Pillage and Rape Festival”, and Hanukkah wasn’t the “Festival of Lights.”  Oh...wait a minute...we can keep that one.

18.  Hannikoh...Chonikuh...Harmonica.  I just wish it was easier to spell.  And, pronouncing it didn’t sound like you had some phlegm thing going on.

19.  Cranberry Sauce was ALWAYS sold in cans with those neat little rings.  I never trusted the looks of the fresh stuff.

20.  They used exploding footballs at Thanksgiving Day games.

21.  Those damn squirrels weren’t plotting against me.

22.  That Octo-Mom and Charlie Sheen could have a half-dozen babies together.  Because they’re just so damn cute!
NOTE:  This one may be a little dated, too.  Charlie has issues now.
"I'm willing to take his place.
You can forget about all those kids, though."

23.  Erectile dysfunction was only seen at construction sites.
NOTE:  As I re-read this, I’m not even sure what the hell this means.  I think, when I originally wrote this, commercials for "Boner Pills" were filmed around construction workers.

"Big, burly mens with their tool belts, though.  Just giving me the sweats."

24.  Donald Duck would just put on a pair of pants.  And, while we’re at it, Mr. Peanut could use a set of britches, too.

25.  Kim Kardashian would just find real love, dammit!

26.  Drinking beer and eating Doritos while watching football was an Olympic sport. 

27.  If we could stop all those Viagra and Cialis commercials.  Ok, ok, I know, I officially qualify for membership in AARP, but that doesn’t mean I want to see codgers leering at each other.  Speaking of Cialis, I find it funny that the man and woman are in separate bath tubs.  Kinda defeats the purpose, if you ask me.

28.  That Gary Coleman was allowed to make a real difference in this country.
"I'm sorry, sir, Mr. Coleman is busy.
May I take a message?"

29.  That, following the death of Qaddafy, there will finally be peace in the Middle East.    

30.  Being politically correct consisted only of knowing:  Elephant-Republican, Donkey-Democrat, Jackass-Al Franken.
First Runner-Up

    ‘Course, that’s just me.  Ya gonna eat that drumstick?

Happy Thanksgiving!
"Just remember, the wishbone comes from the bird.
I don't want a repeat of the ugliness from last year."


  1. Haha you are sure SOL with some of them, I doubt man boobs will ever come into play. Hopefully Bones wiped really good too.

  2. Man that advert sounds messed up. Luckily Hannukah isn't the Festival of Lights. That's Diwali. Unless Hannukah is also the festival of lights or that it isn't is the joke and I missed it.

    1. I think Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights, too. Sometime this week, I'm going to research it a bit and put out a new holiday post (to make up for the slew of reruns). Maybe I'll learn something.

  3. Happy Thanksgiving! Thankful for your humor and laughs, and friendship.

  4. America's Funniest Home videos was on TV the other night and they had a little girl on their crying that her dad said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said his name was Jared.

    And I could think was Fogle?

  5. Do you think a written prostate exam would be a scan tron test, Al? That sounds a bit uncomfortable. Maybe essay exam? But so little room to write. Multiple choice? I can't envision a good alternative for you.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. GOOD GRIEF!!! Think of the paper cuts!!

  6. These were hilarious! I agree with all of them. I would have to add-Donald Trump gets an actual haircut and that rug of his gets up and walks away. Another one would be that someone takes a pinto Kim Kardashiass's ass and it deflates. The average joe realizes Wal-mart is evil. Happy Thanksgiving!

  7. I'm glad you got to fist the turkey - you can think of it as revenge for the prostate exam. Who are you going to vote for if Trump wins the nomination? (Boy, you must be amazed at getting an awkward political question from a gorilla!)

  8. The kid in that strudel ad looks like Hitler's wet dream.

  9. I'm thankful for a Penwasser blog post. I'd be even more thankful if the word Kardashian was never used again, ever. As for Trump - he's so full of hot air he could have been a float in the Macy's parade.

  10. I always love your captions.
    Hope you are having a sweet family gathering
    on this holiday weekend.