Monday, October 5, 2015

I Are A Award-Winning Professional Writer


I doctored it a little.
I don't think anyone will notice.
    Okay, so I'm not a wildly successful award-winning professional writer.  However, since I get some money from the crap things I write, technically that makes me a professional.

Not giving up the day job, though.
    However, with the imminent (or is that 'eminent?') publication of my newest book, It's An Adventure, in November, I hope to soon be.

Although...
given sales of It's Not Just a Job and Shag Carpet Toilet, odds are....


    But....I have received an award (as you could probably tell above...no, above the toilet).  Granted, it's Third Place which isn't such a big deal when you consider there were only three entrants.    

    And one of them was a monkey.
"Okay, so is it 'i' before 'e' or the other way around?"
"Screw it, who cares?  Our competition is Penwasser."

NOTE:  Chimps, not monkeys.  Sue me. 

    Still, an award is an award.

    I know, it's taken me quite a while to bring you the news.

    Why has it taken me so long to tell you I won this honor in February?


"It was a lot of fun, too."
"Till they started drinking."
  Well, I've had a lot on my plate.
Between the run-up to the A-Z
Challenge, the A-Z Challenge, the  "I'm Frikkin' Tired From the Exhaustion of Writing 26 Haikus for the A-Z Challenge," Memorial Day, 4th of July, the Penwasser Brothers Camping Trip, Labor Day, opening of the NFL season, and that I just forgot, it's been quite busy.

   


    Plus, I needed to make up my mind just how I wanted to spend that $25.00 I got.
   
    I filled my tank with gas.

    Yay, me.

    Anyway, since I know you're dying (or is that 'dyeing?' I'm having a bad day with words this afternoon) to know what in the world was good enough to merit the honor of Third Place, may I present my entry.

    It's completely fictional.  Although I did have an Aunt May.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I have some vomit to mop up somewhere...


La Ciruela Pasa

NOTE:  Use of Clara Peller for entertainment use only.
Aunt May was definitely larger than a bun with sesame seeds on it.
        The lure of Florida is undeniable.  The gentle sway of palm trees caressed by warm breezes, the playful chatter of tropical birds as they flitter amidst lush undergrowth, the piercing wail of a police siren as a drug bust goes down...ok, bad example.

    So Shrangi-La it ain’t.  You have to admit, though, there’s a lot to like about a place with year-round warmth and drive-thru liquor stores.

    The desire to relocate is even more pronounced once one turns 60.  Heeding what must be a genetically programmed need to escape wind chill and lake effect snow, hordes of seniors annually follow the siren call of the Sunshine State.   

    One such senior who decided to trade her snow boots for flip-flops was my Great-Aunt May.

    A sweet lady, she’d lived in the same house since before television was invented.  First with my uncle then, when he passed, with a psychotic parakeet that flung himself against his wire mesh cage whenever I’d visit.

    Eventually, when “Tweety” went to that Cuttle Bone in the Sky via the newspaper lining the bottom of his cage, Aunt May started to believe the infomercials exhorting her to leave the Rust Belt.  After all, Wilfred Brimley hadn’t steered her wrong yet!   

    Energized, she tossed her medications into luggage she’d owned since the Cuban Missile Crisis and sold her home to my cousin for a sock of ribbon candy.  Thus relieved of her financial burdens, she joined the geriatric land rush, never again needing to worry about breaking her hip on icy sidewalks while shopping for milk, peppermint lifesavers, and lottery tickets.

    When I didn’t hear from her after a few days, I began to worry. 
That's okay.
They've got it on Cruise Control.
Even though she was accompanied by her close friend, Eleanor, in a beat-up Chevy mini-van (aka The Menopause Express), I fretted some lunatic had slipped a Mickey into her Metamucil.

    After a few nervous weeks, I finally received a letter.  Printed on rose-colored stationery from someplace called La Ciruela Pasa, it read:


To Be Continued...    

Why?  Because everyones knows that we (although is that 'us'?) bloggers like to skim quickly and move one.  That's why I like to think my Captain Captions (Every Thursday at Penwasser Place!) are so wildly popular.  Of course, I like to think Mrs. Penwasser married me for my looks, too.  Since I devoted a lot of time to the introduction to this thing, I didn't want to run the risk of you getting bored.

So, I'll run the letter next time.

Hope the suspense doesn't kill you.

"No.  No, I'm good."

34 comments:

  1. And it only got 3rd prize? The fix must have been in!!

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    1. It was the monkey.
      Monkeys are so frikkin' cute.

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  2. Don't make me wait too long. Another blogger started a story in May and she took a lot of time off in the summer so I don't know how it ends.
    How did you fill up for $25?

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  3. Congratulations on another contest win. It's deserving, though first or second place would've been more deserving. A letter from the Menopause Express? I hope you handled it with care, Al.

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  4. Please don't make me wait until I get as old as Aunt May (which ain't too far in the future).

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    Replies
    1. Nope. No worries. Probably Part II this weekend.
      Have to do Thursday's Captain Caption, don'tcha know.

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  5. Only third? I'd demand a recount of the votes.
    Next book is November? Awesome!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! I hope the book is awesome. It has hookers in it.

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  6. Third? Those monkeys must have flung their crap at the judges and blinded them. Not a bad deal to get it for a sock of ribbon candy. Interesting to see what the letter will say.

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    Replies
    1. It's amazing what you can get with ribbon candy.

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  7. I'll be here stirring my Metamucil and waiting for the conclusion.

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  8. Congrats on 3rd place! I think that's excellent even if there were only 3 entries:) Now you are not going to make us wait until April for the rest of the story(who always said that??) Love the rose coloured paper and how true about every old person loving Wilfred Brimley

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    1. I have to admit, I'M even starting to pay attention to Wilfred.

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  9. $25? Thats about fifty times more than I made on Draft Kings this weekend...

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  10. So where can I find the winning stories? Seriously - congrats. Money is money and a certificate of 3rd Place merit is awesome. I'm proud to know you and crap....I don't want to wait for the rest of the story. Alas, I shall stay tuned and drink beer in honor of those Phillies and Iggles. Guess I'm glad to be back in TX.

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    Replies
    1. The Sports Gods are not smiling too kindly on Philly sports, for sure.

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  11. Was it the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?

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  12. Well that's a cliffhanger. Couldn't you have told us what was in the letter? Congratulations on the prize, though - I bet the judges got to read the whole thing in one go.

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    Replies
    1. The title is important, I'll say that.

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  13. Ooooh I love suspense and mystery! Seeing all the major flooding in the places I lived in SC, I'm glad I headed to FL when I did. I was swimming yesterday...did I mention that? hahaha

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    1. As you'll see in the letter (starting today!), everything I describe is real. I even mention South of the Border in Dillon, SC.
      BTW, Aunt May ends up in St. Augustine.

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  14. Well at least you won something right, not like some (me) who win nothing ever and I do try (in my dreams) to win stuff and I write stuff (also in my dreams) but not in actual life so that doesn't really count and I have forgotten what I was going to say so now I am leaving

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    Replies
    1. Forgetting what you were going to say is MUCH better than what I usually forget: putting on trousers to check the mail.

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  15. Third place is third place. The story got off to a pretty good start so I'm interested in reading the rest. Also, to confess, I do like to skim and if a blog is too wordy will pass it by.

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    1. Too wordy. Exactly why I break my stories up and pepper them with pictures. I've looked at some of my earlier blog posts. Good grief...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...who's going to take the time to read them?

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  16. A cliff hanger, just like in the old Flash Gordon hangers that accompanied the ten cent matinees when I was a kid. (They always kept us coming back next Saturday).

    I really like your story and your writing and heck, a full tank of gas ain't nothing to sneeze at. Good luck and keep the stories coming.
    And congrats on your forthcoming book.

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    Replies
    1. I always like getting gas. Except at lunch.

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  17. Menopause Express. Classic.
    I have a really funny, or sad, menopause story, but you'll have to wait a week or two before I publish it. Lol
    Looking forward to the rest of the "May Day Diaries"

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    Replies
    1. Part II is up now. Part III (the conclusion) sometime next week.
      I have to prepare festivities for Canadian Thanksgiving.

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