Monday, September 14, 2015

What I've Been Up To

    As those of you who are regular tenants at Penwasser Place (incidentally, mental health screenings aren't terribly expensive) know, I spent the bulk of August sitting around on my fat ass drinking beer editing my next book, It's An Adventure.

    For those who care (once again, may I bring up mental health screening?), I completed the first edit of part two of the opus to myself.  I'm now in the middle of my second.  I more than likely will do a third edit in the hopes that, if I polish that turd enough times, it will wind up a diamond.  New this time around will be page numbers (unlike It's Not Just a Job...wasn't that a pain in the crack?) and inclusion of photographs documenting my life aboard USS America.  That is, if I can figure out how to send photos to the good folks at Create Space.
Pictures like this!
Maybe not.
    I'm pretty sure I'm on schedule to have the whole shebang done by November 1st.  This will give you plenty of time to order a copy for those whom you do not like as a Christmas, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, or Kwanzaa gift.  Sorry, I couldn't finish it in time for Canadian Thanksgiving.  I hope you won't hold that against me, eh?

    Anyway, because the millions I had counted on for dizzying sales of Shag Carpet Toilet and It's Not Just a Job never materialized (plus, since I sent a check for a couple grand to that nice Nigerian prince), I've had to find work.  And, since "Sitting Around On My Fat Ass Drinking Beer" isn't a viable career path (as if), it had to be a real "big boy" job.
Why, oh why???
"It's because they suck.
I should know."

    So, what have I been doing to raise a few dollars so that I can continue to crank out literary cow patties with no hope of a financial windfall?  


    I'm a janitor at a local high school.

    But, the word "janitor," has negative connotations for some (not me).  It's a lot like "garbageman," "pizza delivery boy," or "Speaker of the House."

"That's 'Italian Food Transportation Representative.'
A-Hole."
NOTE:  I actually was a "Pizza Delivery Boy" for Dominos wayyyyy back in the 80s.  This was before I went back into the Navy.  A little hint, if I may?  NEVER stiff the delivery boy.  You may get "extra cheese" on your next order.  If you know what I mean.

  In view of that little piece of political correctness, I am what they call a "custodian."  Which, I suppose, sounds more dignified.  Whatever.  It's honest work for a decent wage.  That cleans toilets.  Which do not have shag carpet on them.
It's a lot like this.
Incidentally, muppets don't pop out
of that little plastic box on the wall.
It's for feminine hygiene products.
Which is pretty disturbing
since this is in the Boys Room.

    To give me time during the day to sit around on my fat ass but not drink beer because I have to go to work to edit my book, I work 3rd shift from 10:30 pm to 7:00 am (or 2230 to 0700, which you would know if you read my books).  The worst part about it is that I have responsibility for the pool, gym, and locker rooms for said pool and gym.  They're kind of grungy and always get grungy, even if the kids have the day off (like today for Rosh Hashanah).

    It's really not bad, although I have yet to adopt any kind of a regular sleeping/eating routine.  On the other hand, I get to watch The View on a regular basis.  Those ladies are beautiful (except Joy Behar.  She's a bit of a beast), clever, and whacky.  You go, Sister Whoopi!

   It's tough working the "Graveyard Shift," though.  I honestly don't know how vampires do it.  Maybe it's all that blood.
"It's because they suck.  I should know."

Congratulations on a "Penwasser Place Picture Two-Fer"!
Nobody wins anything, though.
"Well, now that sucks!  I should know."

could have gone for a three-fer, you know.
    While I enjoy the relative solitude and sense that I've accomplished something worthwhile (hey, they also serve who mop floors) of my work, I know it won't be forever.  Eventually my days of replacing sanitizer cakes in urinals will come to an end and Mrs. Penwasser will put me in a rest home.  

    Unless I get fired for using the pool at 3 am one morning.

    On the bright side, it can get spooky in the middle of the night.  For example, those CPR dummies in the First Aid classroom kinda creep me out.


Yeah.
Could really do without these.
*********

    Since I brought it up (look back a couple paragraphs), Happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish friends!  
    Personally, I think having a new year celebration (which did start at sunset last night, I'll grant you) on a frikkin' Monday seems like a rip-off to me.  I mean, how much trouble can you get into at the beginning of the work week (Robyn, do tell)?
    On the other hand, isn't Yom Kippur in a week or so?  And, isn't that the Jewish Day of Atonement?    
    Maybe you'll have something to be sorry for, after all (Julie, do tell).

"Just one more Mogen David
and I'm putting on the 10 o'clock News."


31 comments:

  1. I am so excited to read your book! What a hoot it will be. And hey, my grandfather and uncle were custodians at a local school district for many years. They had primo health insurance and would get me in to all sporting events for free 'cause they had the keys. SCORE!

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    1. And here I thought the only advantage was wearing plastic gloves.

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  2. Congratulations on getting through the editing so well. I heard someone recently say that it ends when you have nothing left to take away, rather than nothing to add. Going until you've got nothing left to add would mean going on forever.

    Congrats as well on getting the job as a custodian. My brother is a "waste management operative" or something like that so I've ran into some weird names for jobs. I think it's had the opposite effect though. People know what your job really is and the fancier a job sounds, the less fancy we think it actually is.

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    1. Good advice.
      And great suggestion for a name.

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  3. Another round of edits - you can do it!
    I'd have fun with those dummies and move them around the class. Make the teacher think they were haunted.

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    1. Ohhhhhhhhh.....now I'm looking forward to going to work tonight!

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  4. Alex has a great idea about what to do with those dummies.

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  5. Blah, I could do it all but the toilets.I've seen plenty of school toilets and they were so nasty. Ugg to the night shift too. Keep on editing away.

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    1. I'm trying to move to the 2nd shift. Graveyard just makes me a zombie.

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  6. Custodians have power. Just remember the guy in Breakfast Club…he held that power over them. Um, that CPR dummy creeps me out too!

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    1. I really hadda laugh when I saw that thing.

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  7. sounds like an excellent book (my mental health test is tomorrow) and Mrs.Penwasser can enjoy Netflix binging without interruption at night. It's a win win for those kids to have a clean place to mess up everyday. You are hilarious. Good luck on cleaning floors, walls, and your book!

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    1. Funny how I started in the Navy slinging a mop.....almost forty years later, I'm slinging a mop.

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  8. Thank you, Al, for empathizing with my attempts to stir trouble at the beginning of the week, on the dawn of Rosh Hashanah Day, my peeps fine Days of Awe, and the most blessed time of the year. F*k! It's Monday. We could, I don't know, refuse to flush the toilet and take the trash out and stuff - in honor of my people.

    Great progress on your book, Al. You're not dummy. But those dummies creep me out. Have they been...uh, snipped? Well, for Christ's sake, it's the Jewish New Year, so I thought I'd ask.

    xo

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    1. They're dead below the waist. Reminds me of...never mind who they remind me of.

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  9. Janitors are people too!! Don't be ashamed Al. They even have them in New Jersey..just not at the rest stops on the NJ Turnpike!! Lol

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    1. Or the rest rooms at Yankee Stadium. Clearly.

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  10. Editing seems to be the big thing to do when one is an author. I bet the girl's bathroom is worse than the boys. I always remembered that and thought girls are disgusting and could never figure out why.

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    1. Funny thing is...the girls' rest rooms ARE nastier than the boys. Talk about an epiphany.

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  11. The fact that you think Whoopi is beautiful but Joy is a beast tells me the pressure's off on making an intelligent comment. (This is a relative comment BTW) Congrats on the job! I've been a cleaning specialist before (Not a great one, but...) so I know it to be a noble profession. Except when you clean up after slobs that couldn't hit the trash can at their right foot if all their trash was nitroglycerin. Then it just sucks.

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    1. Yeah my Whoopi/Joy comment was made with my tongue so deep in my cheek, it poked a hole through.

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  12. I don't think pizza boy is a good term. The only people who have come to my door with pizza were at least 30.

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  13. We loved our janitor in high school. His name was Jim Morrison and he let us sneak into the dungeon (the section of the basement no one used) to smoke pot.

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    1. I loved Jim Morrison!! His songs were great. What a tragedy that he died so young.
      Oh.
      Wait.

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  14. Well, now that you've closed your pool at least you have a back up! Cant wait to check out the book (still need to check out the other books) :))

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    1. Don't sweat it. You don't need the one to understand the other. It's not like I wrote Game of Thrones.
      There's much less sex.😩

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  15. Janitor doesn't sound too bad to me - it's a cross between alligator and junkie, and I'm prepared to believe you have the best qualities of each.

    Monica looks so classy in monochrome. How would the nation have reacted if Bill had said "I'm divorcing Hillary and marrying Monica - what's it to you?"

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    1. You're right. It actually is a very good picture.

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  16. Perhaps a shot of the CPR dummy and the skeleton is in order? That might get you fired but think of the picture!

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