Sunday, July 19, 2015

Oh Thank Heaven

 
Al's Traveling Tip:  If you see a Wawa with gas pumps, there are nice clean rest rooms inside.  Don't rest in them, though.  Just pee and get the hell out.
Imagine walking into the bathroom and seeing some dude sacked out on the floor.
Also:  It probably goes without saying you can't take a 'bath' in them, either.
"Thou bets thy ass, English."
    Wawa is a convenience store which started in Pennsylvania and has now spread into New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, and Florida.  It could be in other places, too.  It's just those are the states where I've seen them.  In addition to snacks, you can also buy beer at Wawa (with the exception of Pennsylvania...I think it's an Amish thing).

"Let's see.  I can have fart in a pita or fart on wheat bread.
What the hell is pressed ham, though?"
   For those who do not know, a Wawa is kind of like a 7 Eleven where English isn't a second language.

    


    
    But, that's not the point of this post.


"Where can I send my application!!??"
    Part of Wawa's appeal is that you can get gas there, too.  Sure, you can get gas at 7 Eleven, but I'm not talking about the kind you get from mummified hot dogs from an indeterminate animal.  Most of the gas pumps are self-serve.  With the exception of New Jersey, where state law requires that they pump it for you.

NOTE:  I'll save you the trouble.  Well, that's right neighborly of New Jersey.

"That's just how we roll in the Garden State.
Hey, you gonna eat that?"
   But, when I do have to pump it myself (yeah, I know what you're thinking),  I just swipe my card at the pump and carry on.  I'll get fuel for my vehicle and the Chinese hackers will have my personal information.

NOTE:  This is more than likely a bad thing.


"No, no, too beaucoup!"
"Hey, that Penwasser."
"Okay, you come in."
  Yesterday, I decided to use cash, because I had just cashed my paycheck.  The money was burning a hole in my pocket and I wanted to get rid of it.  So, rather than going to that Korean massage parlor down the street (unfortunately eliminating the chance for a "happy ending"), I decided to use it to get gas.

NOTE:  I really hope you come to Penwasser Place for silly, junior high school humor.

NOTE:  Hee...hee...hee.  I said 'come.'

    Doing that though reminds me of The Price Is Right.  For those of you who have lives and don't know, you win on the The Price Is Right when you come the closest to your bid without going over.  If you go over, you have to give Drew Carey a happy ending.
"Congratulations!
You guessed how much it would cost to fill your car!
But, even though you won,
how about a little something for the effort?"
 
    "Yeah, hi, good morning, I'd like $30 on Pump 5, please."

    "Is that the mustard colored car?"

    "Uh, it's gold."

    "Well, it looks mustard colored."

    "French's!?"

    "No, Guldens."
Okay.  I see her point.
I never use French's mustard.
It insults the quality of my meat.

Yes, that's a double entendre, too.  You're welcome.
    "Oh, well, kinda."

    I pumped my gas for only $25.

    Meaning...I WIN!!!

    But, I needed to go inside to get my change.

    Meaning, I kind of lose.

    But, I can use the $5 I saved by buying a hoagie.

    Meaning...I WIN!!!

    But, they put too much mayo on it.
"Just because I got nowhere to go doesn't mean you can put me in a frikkin' sandwich!"
NOTE: An obscure reference to An Officer and a Gentleman.
Most of you probably won't get it.  I hope at least some of you do.
    Meaning...I LOSE!!!

    But, I'm not at 7 Eleven, so I don't need shots.
Oh, thank heaven!
NOTE:  For those of you wondering how I was going to fit the title of the post into this thing.

    Meaning...I WIN!!!!

    But, mayo gives me heartburn.

Meaning, I LOSE



43 comments:

  1. lol when you win, you lose. That is a bit on a conundrum there. At least you didn't win anything directly from Drew Carey though.

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  2. We just recently got 7-Elevens here in SC but I never go except once to see what the big deal was. My favorite place to get gasoline is Quiktrip. It's one of the few gas stations I've ever seen when can honestly tell that they treat their employees right.

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  3. gas with your gas. Double trouble. No WaWa in Texas

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    Replies
    1. What type of convenience stores do you have? I haven't been to Texas in almost 20 years.

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    2. 7-11 was founded here, so it's still king. Quicktrip, Allsup, and Valero are part of the other variety

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    3. That's RIGHT! The others started as gas stations then transitioned to convenience stores. Yes, no?
      By the way, my birthday is July 11th. Or...you got it...7/11.
      To celebrate, we make a cake out of those mummified hot dogs and I get scratch-off tickets.

      Delete
  4. To avoid that "burning a hole in your pocket" feeling, perhaps you should pruchase a flame retardant wallet, get your gas, and go home to share it, er, eat.

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    Replies
    1. And remember to keep ignition sources away from the gas.

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  5. We have a Wawa-It is an actual place in Ontario but no convenience store called that. We have Avondale's in our area but they have nothing for gas...except Tums or rolaids. Canadians wish the regular stores would sell beer and wine like Quebec...bummer...Oops I went back to the Rolaids

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    Replies
    1. You have the same draconian beer restrictions, huh? Lousy.

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  6. I get the reference! What do I win?
    In Iowa, we are still old school. We don't prepay.

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  7. Fun post. I haven't seen any of these on the west coast.

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    Replies
    1. I think they're just out here. The best posts are based on real events. No kidding, I had that conversation Friday. It caused me to think, "Hey, this could be a post."
      Voila.

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  8. Very funny post, Penwusser. I remember Wawa, but I haven't seen them here in Florida. Of course, I don't get out much.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. There's at least one in Tampa. I've seen others.

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  9. I believe WaWa stores were named after men because they're always "WaWa'ing" about something. Not you of course but those other guys! My Dad pumped gas as a second job for 23 years. 5 nights a week and through all those blizzards and ice storms. I can't believe they haven't changed over to self serv. But then again, all those foreign speaking gas attendants would have to be on food stamps and unemployment. Catch 22!!!

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    Replies
    1. The fact you can't pump your own (gas) drives me crazy. Which is kind of crazy in and of itself, because gas stations never used to be self-serve.

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  10. To all: "Oh, thank heaven" is actually 7 Eleven's slogan.
    Ain't I a clever dickens?

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  11. Hee...hee...hee... I said DICKens.

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  12. I often find when I win I lose so ya not alone there, never heard of wawa but what the hell I live in a different country

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    Replies
    1. But, you have kangaroos.
      NOTE: I have NO IDEA what that means.

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  13. Favorite story at my house:

    When Juggernaut and Gonzo were teens, they saw Beavis & Butthead and kept doing that annoying voice. It drove us crazy. On a car trip, Hubzam and Juggernaut got into a "debate" and finally, Hubzam had enough and said:

    "Oh, horse$&@# !"

    Juggernaut did the Butthead voice and remarked, "You said horse."

    We howled. It may be a "guess you had to be there" story, but it is a favorite.

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  14. I think we don't have those here in Europe!

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    Replies
    1. But, you've got French pastries, Belgian Waffles, Italian Gelato, German Beer, and whatever the hell the British eat.
      So you have that going for you.

      Delete
  15. That little bread roll thing costs 5 bucks? Man, you've got a cost of living problem. Come to Africa and 5 bucks will buy you a sack of peanuts and a butt massage from a chimp.

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    Replies
    1. $4.99 for a Classic Hoagie during Wawa's Hoagiefest.
      Butt massages? Those are priceless.

      Delete
  16. I wasn't aware of these; however, I have visited Wawa, Ontario. I don't know if you'd be thanking heaven to visit there, but nevertheless, it exists. And if my Canadian childhood can be believed, a wawa is a goose.

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    Replies
    1. I believe you're right. Wawa is Lenape Indian for goose, I think. Or pretzels.
      Something like that.

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  17. But everyone's a winner at Penwasser Place, so there's that.
    You reminded me of a silly one:
    Monica Lewinsky brings her dress into the dry cleaners and says, "Get these stains out and I'll pick it up next week." The guy says, "Come again?" Monica responds, "No, mustard."
    Wawawawawaaaaaa.

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  18. I don't think we have any Wawa stores here in Georgia. Just wawa people.

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    Replies
    1. From what I understand, Wawas take a break in Virginia and don't pop up again until Florida.

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  19. What kind of name is Wawa? I'd be afraid to go into a place like that!

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    Replies
    1. It's a goose kind of thing.
      The bird kind.
      Not the creepy old man walking past cheerleaders kind.

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  20. Al, you exist in a bizarre parallel universe to the rest of us - but you are hilarious.

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    Replies
    1. You should see me when I'm NOT on my meds.

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  21. Up here we have Shell. If you hold the pump nozzle next to your ear you can hear the ocean. No, just kidding, all you hear is the Iraninans laughing!

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    Replies
    1. And then they behead you if you don't have exact change.

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