Friday, May 8, 2015

The Barbary Apes

  The following is an excerpt from my book It's An Adventure, a tale of life aboard the aircraft carrier, USS America (I'm sure you already knew that.  Goodness knows I haven't shut my mouth about it since I started writing it).  I'm sure that this, along with the entire book, will undergo significant revision before I inflict the general public with it in time for Christmas shopping!  Because, let's face it, nothing says you don't care for someone more than thrusting some cheesy memoir on them.
  But, this will give you a first look at the rough draft.  Plus, there's pictures.  So, you have that going for you.  Which is nice. 
  Anyway, this is a story of the Barbary Apes (you may have gathered that from the title) and is the prelude to when we actually convinced someone to keep a watch out for a monkey attack.  Yeah, no kidding.
  What happens?  Well, you'll have to buy the book.  Or let one of your friends with a parrot let you read the bottom of their bird cage.
  The gist of this is true (much like most of the historical pabulum I write). 

It's An Adventure is a sequel to this hideous triumphant ego trip opus.
Now available on Amazon!
Now.  And forever.

11 APR
Strait of Gibraltar

"Okay, so I don't have a tail.
But, you just see if I can't hit you right in the kisser
with a lump of poop as big as your head." 
     The Barbary Apes had been on the Rock of Gibraltar since long before anyone could remember. 

     Despite the fact they are called “apes” (much like those in the Deck Department) and the fact they do not possess tails (much like those in the Deck Department.  As far as we know), they are actually monkeys.  More specifically, they are “macaques” and are the only wild monkey population in Europe.

"Because, hey, isn't history after white people
arrived the only kind which matters?"
     Where they came from is anyone’s guess.  What is certain is that they were there when the British first garrisoned (aka "took over") Gibraltar in 1704.  DNA evidence (or a lucky guess) suggests they draw their origin from Algeria or Morocco, having been brought there as pets by the Moors.  Who apparently were too uppity to be like normal people and just get a fish or a cat.
"Hey, you can't pin this on my family.
Besides, we were too busy eating monkey fritters.
And, it's spelled with an 'e'."
     Another theory, long since disproved, is that the monkeys were part of an overall simian population during the European Ice Age.  Fossil evidence of monkeys inside mammoth footprints would suggest this could be possible.  However, learned scientists were quick to supply taped conversations with monkeys denying this connection.

    As far as those fossils?  Slow-moving Frenchmen.    

"You know, I could have sworn I heard 'Mon Dieu!'"
     Legend has it that, as long as there are macaques on Gibraltar, the British will remain on “The Rock.”  In fact, when the macaque
Churchill even tried Peebles Pet Shop, but sadly, he only had a gorilla for sale.  
I wonder how many of you will get this.  
Trust me.  I think it's kinda funny.

population dipped during World War II (rumors suggest they worked as spies for the Vichy French), Winston Churchill ordered that their numbers be replenished from forest fragments in Algeria and Morocco.  

"Seriously, is that all it would have taken?
And you never told me!?"
     When informed of this legend, Spanish dictator Francisco Franco had his advisors shot.  And then set out monkey traps.  Which, as everyone knows, never works if you don't use proper monkey bait.

NOTE:  I have no idea if there is such a thing.  Sorry.  You think comedy is easy?

    The Strait of Gibraltar, at its narrowest point, is 7.7 nautical miles wide.

     So, it was only natural to fear a seaborne assault on passing ships by hordes of pirate monkeys.   
Hey, it could happen.
No, wait, this is a chimp.
Never mind.
To be continued (In "It's An Adventure."  What?  You think I'm just gonna give this thing away?  I'm still trying to pay off that Mercedes I bought, expecting sales of Shag Carpet Toilet to go through the roof).
Hurry now while...yadda, yadda, yadda...yeah, you know the drill


  1. Replies
    1. From time to time, in the writing process, I'll probably post a few bits of the book. It may be the only time people read it! lol

  2. Pirate monkeys? At first you had my interest, now you have my complete attention. Interesting little tidbits about the monkeys too and comedy always helps things flow better.

    1. And I didn't even have to write 'nipples.'
      Which...I just did.

  3. lol pirate monkeys with cannons loaded with their crap would be the worst kind of pirates ever

  4. I think Johnny Depp never looked better. Monkeys do look cute...from afar but I have heard too often how they have a thing for throwing poop. Maybe they are politicians in disguise?

    1. Let's face it...if I was in a cage, you better believe I'd throw poop at you. Plus, if I were a bird, I would soooooo hang out in front of the car wash.

  5. Franco had all his advisors shot? Along with all the gypsies then. I was there, one of the gypsies on the beach, but I didn't get shot.
    Aren't we happy for our past experiences? You book is dyn-o-mite.

    1. No kidding? Now THAT would be a fascinating story.

  6. Monkey bait is bananas. Where have you been?

  7. I'm old enough to get the Magillla Gorilla reference, I'm ashamed to say.

    1. Don't be. I loved Magilla Gorilla. and Peter Potamus. He of the "Hippo Hurricane Holler."

  8. Definitely not apes, but that doesn't mean they won't retaliate against your poop bombs. Didn't the US Navy win a war against the Barbary pirates? There's no need to be modest on your own blog.

    1. That we did. Wooden ships, iron men, grog, and the lash. Ahhhh, the good old days!

  9. Maybe the Cubs should find a way to use a Barbary Ape legend. God knows the one with the goat is doing them no good.

    1. Every fan under 12 gets smacked in the head with a poop ball.

  10. this is hysterical. C'mon - we need more, that's for sure and I do promise to buy the book at Christmas time. (um, fingers crossed behind the back). (um, JK)

    1. Thanks! It really is turning into quite an undertaking and the longest thing I've ever written. I'm already over 400 pages and it's a little over half done. Quite an editing job ahead.

  11. I don't know what to say this cracked me up and that made me laugh and then I wet myself so all in all a right mess and you are to blame

  12. Any time monkeys are mentioned, bladders tend to let go.