Monday, March 2, 2015

The 2011 Underwear Wars

  Since I decided to participate in this year's A-Z Challenge, I'm going to spend most of March preparing for it.  My goal is to get as many posts ready on delay so that I may peruse blogs from people far more talented than I.   And, basically, goof off all through April.
  I may have reposted this before.  Or not.  I know for a fact that I've used this picture plenty of times before, though.  This is just a shot of Christian Bale before he got famous.  And Gary Coleman before he got dead.*
  In any case, I plan on reheating old nuggets of trash from prior challenges to get you prepared for the 2015 Challenge (and nausea).  Captain Captions will remain original because, after all, how difficult are they to write, really?
  When this originally posted, the only one of you out there who read it (or at least commented) was Jenny.  So, she can take a pass.  Yeah, like the rest of you are being held against your will.
  Anyway, I hope you enjoy.  And, if you want to visit a blogger with real poetic talent, may I suggest Pat Hatt and the cat?

*This is a lie.  I have no idea who these guys are.  And, frankly, if I saw a group of dudes strolling down a road in their skivvies, I wouldn't want to know who they were.



The Underwear Wars


  Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,
that were liked by men both weak and mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret
and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and moaned, “I hate the big hole.
It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief
She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)
     

32 comments:

  1. I never even needed to produce and I still go commando...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I got preggers more than once although the man wore tighty-whiteys. Don't think of those undies as birth control.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But the Catholic Church recommends them.
      Oh.

      Delete
  3. It's no Shakespeare because he wouldn't be able to write something this beautiful. Fun read. I go with boxers myself but my dad wears briefs so it seems to be some kind of cycle. You were briefs until you hit puberty and switch to boxers, and then at some point you go back to briefs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unsolicited Bit of Information:
      I'm a boxer briefs kinda guy.

      Delete
  4. Can I stitch that on a pillow? A very long pillow? Ha ha ha.

    Subtitle for The Underwear Wars: The Bloomer Boomers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That gives me an idea...
      The Granny Panties Panic

      Delete
  5. What you talkin about, Willis?
    RIP Gary Coleman. Long live your tighty whities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not (ok, I'm sure you do), Gary has his own haiku next month.

      Delete
    2. Oh man, I can't wait!

      Whatchu talkin 'bout?
      Gary, once cute boy
      His tighty whities
      Oy!

      Oh, Al, I'll leave the haikus to you. I still can't do it.

      Oy!

      Delete
  6. lol I swear you reposted that before as I read it. Still funny as can be. I ditched those briefs long ago and stick with commando.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really think I did repost it after 2011. But, I didn't want to wade through old posts to find it. I was almost positive you had read it before.

      Delete
  7. That is hilarious! I'm really glad I'm too old to care anymore what guys wear, but I'm so happy that back in the day I never saw a dude in tighty whities because I'm sure that would have scarred me for life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could be worse...
      When I was on a ship, it wasn't unusual to see guys in leopard print briefs.
      In berthing, of course. Never on the flight deck.

      Delete
  8. I love your posts because you always touch on those important topics others are afraid to discuss. I won't fess up to what's touching MY private parts, but they're tie-dyed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your private parts? Or what's touching them?
      I am...intrigued.

      Delete
  9. Don't tell me, his wife had never seen his naughty bits before. This poem should have been published in the 1950s and dedicated to Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. They might have acted it out in their show - or possibly in real life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, then Lucy would have had some 'splainin' to do.

      Delete
  10. The Gary Coleman remark is too soon...

    just kidding, you can tell Willis I don't know what I'm talking about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, I should probably keep any Lincoln cracks to myself?
      Nuts.

      Delete
  11. I went commando once going home from the swimming pool. It felt powerful, like I had a secret that no one was ever going to find out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you didn't go commando IN the swimming pool.

      Delete
  12. I liked this................just saying

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And they keep everything all neat and tidy.

      Delete
  13. Hello greetings and good wishes.

    Very hilarious post.

    A time comes in a man's life when underwear doesn't seem all that important. He will have dozens of underwear neatly stacked in the trunk as memories.

    Best wishes

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think tighty whities are slowly making a comeback, humanity be damned.

    ReplyDelete