Sunday, March 8, 2015

From 2012-Xerxes!!




"Oh, yeah? Cross me, you Persian faggot
and I will soooo eff you up!"
    Was he the most powerful individual in antiquity?  Did he hold sway over all the world, except for China, the Mafia, South America, the Eskimos, New Jersey, the Super Friends, George Soros, Batman, and Betty White?  Was he a raging flamer who showed an inordinate interest in Leonidas’s fighting prowess and loincloth?

    Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging.  Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies wouldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.

    After all, if it's on the internet, it must be true.
"Bonjour."

Why brothers and sisters should never marry

    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on.  After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business.  But, the Persians played it on the up and up.

    Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would grease his application to the Nineveh Country Club.

    NOTE:  Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia.  Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.

"C'mon tough guy! We got pyramids
and brothers and sisters who marry each other.
And plagues of frogs and boils.
But, hey, who doesn't?"
    Anyway, Darius was all pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean.  So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.

    Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.

"Plus, for a small fee, we can make
that pain-in-the-ass
building inspector
from Persepolis just disappear."
    Before he left the country, Persian law (wasn’t he the boss?) dictated that he name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.

    Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved (after the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed), construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

To be continued....

This has gone on long enough.  I hope to next week present "The Great Xerxes the Great" sequel.

Cue...cliffhanger.

But, seriously, if you've seen the movie, you probably know as much about Xerxes as you want to.

30 comments:

  1. So we have a Darius yet no reference to Hootie and the Blowfish and we have a Cyrus with no mention of Billy Ray or Miley?
    Al are you slipping?
    Funny post I remember it well.

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    1. The Blowfish were in the Clinton White House.

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  2. I wonder whatever happened to Herschel the So-So?

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  3. Sure the lines weren't blurred with that hanky panky?

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    1. Well, there weren't any cel phone cameras, so no proof.

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  4. I was kinda hoping you's explain why the Spartans went into battle naked. If you're doing battle on a volleyball team at a nudist colony maybe, but otherwise it's a bad idea.

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    1. The Greeks did a lot of things naked. I guess that's what a Mediterranean climate does for you. For instance, how many nude Eskimos do you ever read about?

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  5. and we thought Persia was bad, look at Iran now.

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  6. I think we've found a topic for "X" in the A-Z Challenge...

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    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, there IS a Xerxes haiku. I just can't get enough of the crazy dude.

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  7. Hey, that statue...isn't that King Tut's father??

    Love,
    The History Nerd

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    1. I think it's Ahkenaten. Who may be Tut's dad. I don't think so. But, I'll need to check Google.

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    2. I just checked. It IS. And he WAS. Although I misspelled his name. It should be "Akhenaten."
      Nicely done.

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  8. Sure, Darius was Great and all but he was too caught up in the whole ruling the empire thing. Everyone knows Herschel the So-So was the real life of the party.

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  9. I don't know what to say, you leave me speechless...............

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    Replies
    1. It's what I do: removing the power of speech. One person at a time.

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  10. Is there a vaccine for Xerxes, Al? That name requires one.
    I've dated some Herschel the So-Sos. They're more than so-so, if you know what I mean, but they're lacking in personality. Damn, there's always something. (I'm not talking about my current squeeze. Gotta clarify.) Oy vey, I best be departing. Thanks for not posting Gary Coleman in his tighty whities.

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  11. Do we Jerseyites know how to handle things or what? LOL

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  12. There's a real Persian called "Darius Guppy" and I'm sorry to say he's still alive. As an ex-officer of the US Navy I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?

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    1. It's a kinder, gentler Navy now. I may have to give him a backrub with a reach-around.

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  13. This was even more fun the second time around, Al the Great! Darn it, they already had one of those.

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Part II is scheduled for this Sunday. I hope you like it.

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  14. Persia is definitely not the place to be these days!

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    Replies
    1. The heat, humidity, and beheadings plays havoc with hair.

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