|"Oh, yeah? Cross me, you Persian faggot|
and I will soooo eff you up!"
Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging. Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies wouldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.
After all, if it's on the internet, it must be true.
|Why brothers and sisters should never marry|
Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great. Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines. The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on. After all, they weren’t Egyptians. If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business. But, the Persians played it on the up and up.
Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship. Plus, it would grease his application to the Nineveh Country Club.
NOTE: Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia. Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.
|"C'mon tough guy! We got pyramids|
and brothers and sisters who marry each other.
And plagues of frogs and boils.
But, hey, who doesn't?"
Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.
|"Plus, for a small fee, we can make|
from Persepolis just disappear."
Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb. After permits were finally approved (after the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed), construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either). Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.
To be continued....
This has gone on long enough. I hope to next week present "The Great Xerxes the Great" sequel.
But, seriously, if you've seen the movie, you probably know as much about Xerxes as you want to.