Sunday, March 15, 2015

FROM 2012!! The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

Wow, this really is a long post.  Sorry about that.  Please feel free to skim, glance at the pictures, and then make a quick "Are Titty-Twisters the same as Purple Nurples?"* comment.  Or read the whole thing, especially if it's raining outside and you have nothing else to do.  It's not like I would l know the difference.

* They are
"Oh, yeah? Well, you try sleeping with all these curlers in your hair and beard
and see if you don't feel like invading Greece!"

NOTE:  The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words.  Most of which I didn’t make up.  That Kardashian one is probably bogus, though.

  When last we met.....

And, to make matters worse, all they had 
at Redbox was My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  Having grown weary of the indignities suffered by his people at the hands of the Greeks, Xerxes prepared to invade.  As if defeat at Marathon wasn’t bad enough, the Persians had gotten sick and tired of all that bouzouki music playing till all hours of the night.

"Hey, what the frik, Stavros!?
I said goat testicles!!"
  NOTE:  I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments.  The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.”  Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”

  Setting out from Persepolis (after having to briefly turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.  But, the Phoenicians would only go only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way.

The Phoenicians learned, to their chagrin, that it's
next to impossible to keep this from spoiling in the desert
heat.  Especially considering refrigerators wouldn't be
invented until the 19th century.
  Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” he grudgingly agreed.

  After all, they did bring the potato salad.

"So, the Great Satan won't be around
for another couple thousand years or so.
That's cool. We can wait."
  The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

    Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year.  Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

"Wouldn't just peeing in it get your point across?"
    In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.  Despite Private Miachinbaack "Corky" Fetters' vehement protests that he had nothing to do with the storm.

    Finally, after getting some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece.  Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way.  Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never can be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.

Persian Immortals
Xerxes 1st choice, the Avengers, forced to drop out
when the Hulk couldn't get a suit of armor which fit.
    Taking up winter quarters in Sardis, because there was no sense visiting nude beaches in the winter, Xerxes set out in the spring of 480 BC.  His fleet and army had been estimated by Herodotus (noted drunk) to number 1,000,000, along with 10,000 elite warriors known as the Immortals.

He's looked better.
Plus, it's a bitch to drink now.
    First concentrating on Sparta (since Athens was still in the shower), the Persian army clashed with 300 warriors led by King Leonidas at Thermopylae.  Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inability to understand why the Spartan king had a Scottish accent, the 300 were slaughtered after a traitor showed the Persians the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).
Not what I meant by 'looking better.'
May want to lay off that deep-fried baklava, Leonidas.

    Hey, don’t take my word for it.  Rent the movie.  It has some cool naked scenes in it.

    After Sparta, Athens was captured.  Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claimed he did nothing of the sort.  Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?

    Oh, I don’t know.  Anyone who’d whip water a couple hundred times?

"Maybe we shouldn't have attacked after lunch...?
I think we all could've done with a little nap.
My insurance is gonna skyrocket now!"
    Xerxes then decided to attack the Greek fleet at Salamis in September, 480 BC.  This proved to be a disaster because, despite outnumbering their foe, the Persian warships were no match for the maneuverable little Greek vessels.

    Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who really never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god), Xerxes sent most of his army home.  He left a token force behind in Greece under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year.  After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.

    To continue to kill each other.

    In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?). 

    What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack.  It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet.  Although Chris Matthews was there....).  Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE:  Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.

"Okay, which one of you is the eunuch?
C'mon, drop 'em. We ain't got all day."
    However, according to Aristotle, noted Greek philosopher, mentor to Alexander the Great, and owner of a chain of diners in the Peloponnesus, Artabanus killed Darius firstbefore killing Xerxes with the help of a eunuch, who undoubtedly was cranky because he hadn’t had his coffee yet.  Then, once Ataxerxes found out who the real culprit was, he whacked Artabanus.

    Seriously, though, who really cares?  They’re all dead now, anyway.

    Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persian people (who really haven’t had all that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’

    There’s much more to his story, to be sure.  For instance, I omitted the details of his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his tempestuous 72 day marriage to Artossa Kardashian.  Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world. 

    He also liked body piercings and balloon animals.
"Why have souvlaki when you can have Testicle Kabobs instead?"
-Farhoud Ghorbani, Owner
 Xerxes the Great Diner-Home of the 500-item Salad Bar and Endless Chocolate Fountain
 Just off Route 287, Parsipanny, New Jersey

    But, like what Rosie O’Donnell looks like naked, I’ll just leave that to your imagination.

    You may want to have that imagination steam-cleaned though.



  1. Replies
    1. I think that's the sound they make when they've had too much ouzo.

    2. Yes, I think you are correct on that one.

    3. In my book, I write about when I had too much ouzo. I ended up waking up in my pillowcase.

  2. I guess the Greeks proved bigger isn't always better, ship wise anyway.

    1. But, they were jealous that the Persians had bigger rams.

  3. You don't have to be crazy to lead a country - but it helps. After you've plowed through the middle east and Mediterranean rim, most people are so scared of you that they'll whip that water, brother! High five a wave, if necessary.

    1. I think Julius Caesar (or Claudius...I am so lazy to look it up even though Google is so simple to use) whipped the English Channel. So, I guess craziness isn't the sole purview of Persians. Somebody also collected seashells as "war booty," but I don't remember who. Once again, though, lazy.

  4. Killed by his own bodyguard? Now that is irony.

    1. makes you wonder if this inspired the character of Jaime Lannister

    2. That I know exactly what you're talking about says a lot about me.

  5. You make history so much more interesting than my history books. Love Chris Mathews being there.

    1. You could tell I wrote this three years ago, because 'Brian Williams' would have been the PERFECT choice for that crack!
      I think I may have said I would have really liked to have been a History teacher. But, only at the college level. If I taught history like this to elementary school kids, boy, I would have effed their education up.

  6. I love the Greeks because it is an entire lifestyle. The cooking, the dancing, the festivals, the family unit. One thing I gotta say though, there must be some serious waxing or laser hair removal for those women. YOWZAH!!!!!

    1. And those nude beaches. Gotta love the nude beaches.

  7. Is the endless chocolate fountain anywhere near the testicle kabobs, Al? If not, I'd like to request a change of positions, and I'll head over stat.

    1. What do you think they dip the kabobs in?

  8. Where did Caligula fit in here? haha

    1. Caligula was nuts, too. He boinked his sister and made his horse a senator.
      Which is a lot like Mitch McConnell. Except he's a horse's ass.

  9. Ok I read this Kathy arrived with Summer I got distracted and forgot what I was going to say so all I am saying is that I was here

    1. People died and there was a salad bar. You didn't miss much.

  10. I was waiting for the 300 reference. Got it :)

  11. It's always sad to see people with a common love of butt sex fight in that way. Is what happened an argument for or against gay marriage? It's easy to get confused about these things.

    1. I think there was a huge fight over who gets custody of the goats.