Wow, this really is a long post. Sorry about that. Please feel free to skim, glance at the pictures, and then make a quick "Are Titty-Twisters the same as Purple Nurples?"* comment. Or read the whole thing, especially if it's raining outside and you have nothing else to do. It's not like I would l know the difference.
* They are
|"Oh, yeah? Well, you try sleeping with all these curlers in your hair and beard|
and see if you don't feel like invading Greece!"
NOTE: The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words. Most of which I didn’t make up. That Kardashian one is probably bogus, though.
When last we met.....
|And, to make matters worse, all they had |
at Redbox was My Big Fat Greek Wedding
|"Hey, what the frik, Stavros!?|
I said goat testicles!!"
NOTE: I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments. The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.” Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”
Setting out from Persepolis (after having to briefly turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont. But, the Phoenicians would only go only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way.
|The Phoenicians learned, to their chagrin, that it's|
next to impossible to keep this from spoiling in the desert
heat. Especially considering refrigerators wouldn't be
invented until the 19th century.
After all, they did bring the potato salad.
|"So, the Great Satan won't be around|
for another couple thousand years or so.
That's cool. We can wait."
Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year. Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE: this is in Greece. I looked it up).
|"Wouldn't just peeing in it get your point across?"|
Finally, after getting some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece. Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way. Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never can be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.
Xerxes 1st choice, the Avengers, forced to drop out
when the Hulk couldn't get a suit of armor which fit.
|He's looked better.|
Plus, it's a bitch to drink now.
First concentrating on Sparta (since Athens was still in the shower), the Persian army clashed with 300 warriors led by King Leonidas at Thermopylae. Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inability to understand why the Spartan king had a Scottish accent, the 300 were slaughtered after a traitor showed the Persians the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).
|Not what I meant by 'looking better.'|
May want to lay off that deep-fried baklava, Leonidas.
Hey, don’t take my word for it. Rent the movie. It has some cool naked scenes in it.
After Sparta, Athens was captured. Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claimed he did nothing of the sort. Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?
Oh, I don’t know. Anyone who’d whip water a couple hundred times?
|"Maybe we shouldn't have attacked after lunch...?|
I think we all could've done with a little nap.
My insurance is gonna skyrocket now!"
Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who really never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god), Xerxes sent most of his army home. He left a token force behind in Greece under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year. After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.
To continue to kill each other.
In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?).
What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack. It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet. Although Chris Matthews was there....). Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE: Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.
|"Okay, which one of you is the eunuch?|
C'mon, drop 'em. We ain't got all day."
Seriously, though, who really cares? They’re all dead now, anyway.
Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persian people (who really haven’t had all that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’
There’s much more to his story, to be sure. For instance, I omitted the details of his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his tempestuous 72 day marriage to Artossa Kardashian. Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world.
He also liked body piercings and balloon animals.
|"Why have souvlaki when you can have Testicle Kabobs instead?"|
-Farhoud Ghorbani, Owner
Xerxes the Great Diner-Home of the 500-item Salad Bar and Endless Chocolate Fountain
Just off Route 287, Parsipanny, New Jersey
But, like what Rosie O’Donnell looks like naked, I’ll just leave that to your imagination.
You may want to have that imagination steam-cleaned though.