Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day-Brought to you by Hallmark!

  Today we celebrate a day of love by going to see 50 Shades of Grey giving our significant other tokens of our affection.  But, what are the origins behind this occasion?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Fifty Shades won't have subtitles!!!!!"
"Seriously, are you really going to need to know what they're saying?"

"Oh, yeah.  Duh."
  Saint Valentine was a Roman priest in the Third Century A.D. (not that politically-correct "C.E." nonsense).  He was widely known as a romantic who officiated at the weddings (presumably not the wedding night, but hey they didn't have the Internet yet) of many local lovers.  I'm quite sure that, in addition to his blessing, he would have given the happy couples Vermont Teddy Bears.  If Vermont had been invented.

  But, supremely hacked off that Valentine was a hero among the people (and that he had a much cooler name), the Emperor Claudius II had Valentine beheaded in 269 A.D.  But, his (Valentine's, not Claudius', who you probably never heard of until now) legend grew until Hallmark got wind of it and started a huge February love-fest to take your mind off the fact that snowdrifts have buried your house.
"Hey, look on the bright side, people will be screwing like rabbits in your name."
NOTE:  The Latin reads-"Told you you should have gotten the emperor a card."
  So, even though Valentine is not nearly as popular as Saint Pauli-Girl, he still gets the chicks' libidos revving.

  But, that may be 50 Shades of Grey
***************
Before I let you go (yeah, as if you can never leave when you want, anyway.  Who am I?  A time-share salesman?), I wanted to tell you one of my favorite jokes.  It will be brief.
Wrong Brief

A college professor was quizzing his students as to the frequency of their sexual relations.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex on a daily basis?" a few hands shot up.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex a couple times a week?" many went up.
NOTE:  Remember, these are college-age kids, not the Penwasser house.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?" several hands raised in the air.

When he asked, "How about once a month?" the middle-aged commuter students raised their hands.

Deciding to go for broke, he asked, "Okay, how many of you have sex once a year?"

There was this shriek way in the back.  The professor craned his neck and squinted to see who was making the racket.  "Excuse me?" he asked.

A man came rushing down the center aisle to the podium.  "Me!" he exclaimed.  "Me!!"

The professor, nonplussed, said,  "You do know I asked 'once a year' don't you?"

"I do!  I do!" he grinned.

"Then why are you so happy?"

"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!!!"

BA DUM BUM

Now go out and get some flowers.  Saint Valentine would have wanted it that way.  Well, he would've probably wanted his head more.

33 comments:

  1. I think I've drifted into a once a month man - except when we go away for the weekends or on holiday when we go at it like a honeymoon couple (well, almost!).

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    1. There ARE special occasions...my birthday, anniversary and Valentines Day because aft...HEY! TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!
      I'd better take a shower.

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  2. Once a week? Once a month? Once a year???? The horror... Proud to say that even after five decades on this planet, we are still multiple times a week. And I'm sure my wife is thrilled I just told the world that...

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, I've gone from a couple times a day to "Didn't we already do that last month?"
      Such is the way of all flesh, I suppose.

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  3. Replies
    1. I agree. After all, masturbation is sex with someone I love.

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  4. lol do we count alone time with righty and lefty? Otherwise the once a year guy has be beat. Sad I know. lmao

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  5. 50 Shades is currently at 27% at rotten tomatoes. Not surprised

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    Replies
    1. Golly, I would have thought Housewife Porn would rate much higher than that.

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  6. Reading these comments makes me realize my wife and I need a dog. Statistics show that sixty-eight percent of dog owners let their pets watch them having sex. Maybe I need an audience to stimulate me.

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    Replies
    1. Different strokes for different folks.
      I think that kind of thing is okay in West Virginia, though.
      ;-)

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  7. Have you heard people referring to this day as VD day. Leave out the fact that that would be Valentine's Day day. Remember when VD was not a good thing til they changed it to STD and then STD became a good thing because it was short term disability. Now, I don't know what syphillis is.

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  8. Replies
    1. I knew, as one of my long-time visitors, you'd appreciate that picture. Well done, Robyn. Well done!

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    2. Thank you, Al. I can't stop laughing. Dangit, Gary has wide thighs.

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  9. A little history, a little fun...what's not to like?? Happy Valentine's Day, Al Penwasser!

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    Replies
    1. My number two goal in life (number one being "lose virginity") was to be a history teacher. Imagine that.

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  10. I came home early from work the other day before the kids had come home from school... The husband's back is out so he is also home until he sees the surgeon... he still managed to make it into the kitchen and excitedly ask me "Did you come home to have sex with me?"

    *sigh*

    Apparently the thought that I could paralyze him is inconsequential.

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    Replies
    1. You'd be surprised what we'd go through.

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  11. The only shades of gray I see are in the hairs on Willy Dunne Wooters' head.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And those are probably the only shades you need.
      Except shades for the bedroom. Those would probably be a good idea.

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    2. Blinds AND curtains in the bedroom.

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    3. That reminds me, whenever I see myself naked, I tend to GO blind for a while.

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  12. Darn it! My hubby is asleep now, and your tighty whitey patrol got me all worked up! Couldn't they have worn white tube socks just this once?! This picture never gets old!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. You're like Robyn. The sharp-eyed veterans of Penwasser Place never fail to notice that picture.

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  13. Thank you I found this post bloody funny and it gave me a good laugh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even though it's not one of my jokes, I laugh at it, too.
      Rather, BECAUSE it's not one of my jokes, I laugh at it, too.

      Delete
  14. A grade-school teacher was teaching his students about taste by giving them lollypops and asking them to identify the flavor the kids made their way through apple, lemon, strawberry and pineapple without a problem, so the teacher decided to make it a bit harder and gave them a honey-flavor. The kids sucked on them, but they couldn't figure out the flavor.
    'I'll give you a hint,' said the teacher. 'It's something your Mom might call your Dad.' At the back of the class, one girl spluttered and spit her lollypop out.
    'Oh no!' she cried. 'They're assholes!'

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    Replies
    1. Better than tasting like "dumb shit," I suppose.

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