Sunday, February 8, 2015

A Hair Raising Tale

  Blogging buddies, Facebook friends, and Twitter followers come and go (there are other social media platforms, but these are the only three which allow me to blather on and on).  Some folks enter our lives only to soon disappear, never to be heard from again.  This is sometimes a blessing, as in the case of Mrs. Penwasser I.

NOTE:  I know what I look like 32 years after she told me to take a long walk off a short pier.  I can only imagine what she looks like now.  Great...Googli...Moogli.
Yeah.
Like that.
ANOTHER NOTE:  Incidentally, Mrs. Penwasser II would like to know if Mrs. Penwasser I would like me back. Talk about 'Caveat Emptor.'  Look it up yourself.  I can't do everything.  I will tell you that it's not French, though.

  Other times this makes me sad.  For instance, Valerie Nunez of Flying Platypi fame and Matthew from Spit Your Pity no longer visit.  Sigh....
Part of me wishes she do me the same.
I kinda dig it.
No wonder Matthew hasn't blogged in four months.
Uh.  He's the one in the red shirt.
  Some of you are blogging and Facebook friends (believe it or not, some of you get a little piece of Al on Twitter and Facebook...I'm talking to you Robyn, Pat, Julie, and others).  This makes me happy.  We basically stalk follow each other on multiple platforms.  It's like we owe each other money.
  
  Sadly, some leave blogging altogether.  But, happily, they still remain in touch.  So it is with Sherilin, formerly of the Laughing My Abs Blog.  I'd provide a link, but she hasn't posted there in months.  Pity.  Her blog always made me smile.  By the way, I got the phrase "Great Googli Moogli" from her.

  Anyway, she asked a question on Facebook recently if anyone had ever cut their own hair.  I replied that I had, but it didn't turn out the way I would have liked. 

Cue "rippling, going-back-in-time, water effects"....
Oops.
Too far.


Nuts.  Not far enough.
This didn't come out until 1978.
How sad is it that I  know that?
Let's try one more time.
  
Bingo, nailed it!
1977

  It was early 1977 (you would know that if you'd been paying attention) and I was a young sailor stationed at Naval Air Station Memphis (which actually was in Millington, Tennessee, but calling it Naval Air Station Millington would have been stupid.  For one thing, they would have had to change all the letterhead stationery).
Millington.
Every bit as sucky as it sounds.
  The morning after I made a trip to Connecticut to see the girl who would eventually break my heart (another story for another day), I woke up in a panic.  Today was the day of the huge personnel inspection that I had completely forgotten about.

  My uniform and shoes were a snap, especially after my shirt passed the armpit "sniff" test (even though I was quite confident the inspector wouldn't be sniffing my pits).  I really didn't care about the trouser "sniff" test, though.  If the inspector sniffed there, then we'd have a whole 'nother problem.

NOTE:  This was decades before that kind of behavior was allowed, nay lauded, in the U.S. military.

  But, I needed a haircut and the Barber Shop wouldn't be open for hours.  Besides, I had spent all my money visiting the aforementioned girl who would brea...oh, get off it, Al, stop whining!

"But she did, she really did!"
NOTE: Transvestite picture used for entertainment purposes only.
Al Penwasser does not wear make-up.
As far as you know. 
  So, I borrowed my roommate's electric clippers and proceeded to give myself a haircut WITHOUT A MIRROR.

  During the inspection...

  "Sailor, who cut your hair?"

  Not wanting to appear like the idiot I was, I lied, "My dad, chief."

  "Well, tell your dad to not quit his day job.  Get that shit fixed before reinspection Saturday morning."

  Great Googli Moogli, I was just relieved he didn't sniff my crotch.
Still felt like this, though
  This story-and MORE!-is available in It's Not Just a Job, on sale at Amazon.com now!  Along with untold millions of copies of Shag Carpet Toilet.  Since I know most of you won't buy it (can't say as I blame you), I'll occasionally tell some of those stories here on Blogger.

  Like that time I woke up in my pillowcase....

Cheaper than a tank of gas.

  As long as you don't go the way of Valerie or Matthew.

  But, if you do, we can still exchange recipes and snarky comments on Facebook, though.

  Like I do with Sherilin.

41 comments:

  1. Valerie is pretty funny. She should quit her day job so she can blog more.
    That hair cut is balls ,man!
    I've been a follower here long enough that I may have already read your book!
    I may not be Jewish, but I can act like one!

    Seriously though the phrase cheaper than a tank of gas doesn't really apply anymore. You're stuck back in the 70s again.
    In my world, cheaper than a tank of gas starts at $87
    I like you Al but not $87 like!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will buy a copy though. Let me finish the one I have on my Kindle and I'll be right over.

      Delete
    2. Hell, I don't even like me for $87.

      Delete
  2. Congratulations!!
    No way I'd cut my own hair. I can only imagine what I'd do to it.
    I'm not on Facebook, but I am on Twitter. I can follow your misadventures there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The good thing about Facebook is that I can run my mouth. Twitter, on the other hand, restricts me to 140 characters (as you know). So I can't blabber.
      Some may view this as a blessing.

      Delete
  3. Never have tried to cut my own hair. That would not go over to well I'm betting, you just reaffirmed my suspicion.

    Got you on twitter and blogger indeed. Some sure leave blogger, going out and getting a life, how dare they lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. My wife cuts my hair for me. Sometimes she goes all out and cuts both!

    I miss Valerie too, and I've found a lot of formerly-active bloggers dropping out of sight too. I guess blogging is one of those things that some people do for a while then either run out of steam or move on to other things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is what normally happens. If there's no evidence that you regularly read a blog, there 's no return comments. It 's nothing like a "quid pro quo" kind of thing. It 's just a reminder that you're still out there. For instance, I will now head to your place.

      Delete
  5. I'm so glad you didn't have to worry about the "trouser sniff test!" I met Valerie through you, and it's a shame she's put blogging on hold. I always enjoy your antics on blogger and FB, Al! I can't believe you cut your own hair without using a mirror! Great story, and I know I'll love It's Not Just A Job as much as Shag Carpet Toilet! Frankly, I can't think of a better gift for Valentine's Day!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Valerie posted about a bathrobe four weeks ago. It was quite funny.

      Delete
  6. I, too, used to enjoy Sherilin's blog. As for cutting my own hair, I've never tried it - unless trimming my bush with a Phillips electric counts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be terrified to get that close to Little Al and the Twins. You're a brave man!

      Delete
  7. I've never cut my own hair, but I cut my own toenails. Do I get any credit for that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you don't cut your toes off.

      Delete
  8. I would have replied "Sir, no one gave me this haircut! I took it by force!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I scared the hair off my head!
      And made it look effed up for good measure!

      Delete
  9. So that's where Mr. Matthew has disappeared to! Glad to know he's smiling again. As for you Al or whoever you are...you're like New Jersey. I tried leaving but I keep going back for visits! Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? Jersey gets into a person's soul.
      Whether they effin' like it or not, youwannamakesumpinouttait?

      Delete
  10. I started a little over four years ago. Seen countless people leave for no reason. Then a few that would return and then quickly leave again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, Matthew did just that. Too bad. I enjoyed his posts.

      Delete
  11. I was worried about Matthew. I'm so glad he has a sweetie now. Looks like he's doing just dandy.

    I'll take all the pieces of you I can get, Al, so long as it doesn't make Mrs. Penwasser II or Bones jealous. By the way, you know that Bones has no penis, right?

    Don't leave, not ever. It'd be no fun anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DO know that Bones doesn't have a penis. Not that I've looked or anything. Meaning...expect a Bones mini-series coming up about that very thing.

      Delete
    2. Can I host the series, Al? Please. My career might shoot up or continue to flatline. Either way, it'd be fun.

      Delete
    3. I haven't decided when it will start. It should be fun. Luckily for you, you get to see the "Bones" pictures on Facebook (they normally don't make it here).
      Wait. Did I just say "luckily?"
      No, I wrote it.
      Whew.

      Delete
  12. Al I tried to cut my own hair once and it was a disaster. Had to head to the barber immediately so he could fix my mistake LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, it was epic. The sides looked fine and the BACK of my neck FELT fine.
      It WASN'T fine.

      Delete
  13. I have posted my thoughts on cutting your own hair - check this out:
    http://www.cherdoontheflipside.com/2014/01/lie-101-you-can-cut-your-bangs.html

    The possibility of cutting your own hair adequately is one of the great lies of all time.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cut my own all the time. Seriously. Too cheap to blow a wad of money on stuff that's falling out anyway. And I wear a hat in public, so that's not a deal either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you use a mirror to check the back? That was my big failing. I ran my hand along the hairline and said to myself, "Yep, good to go."

      Delete
    2. No, I do it the Al method. Screw 'em if they don't like it.

      Delete
  15. Oh my goodness this post made me laugh to I peed myself, I don't know if I should thank you for that or what..........

    ReplyDelete
  16. I would never cut my own hair. My wife cuts mine. Now that I think about it, and look at it closely, it probably looks the same. Oh well, it saves me twenty bucks every month or so.

    Having said all of that, Isn't it amazing (and really funny) how big eye glasses used to be. HUGE!

    Great and funny post Ken!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The whole period of the 1970s was one fashion train wreck.

      Delete
  17. Congratulations on your books
    May they find their way in all the nooks

    Cutting one's own hair is tricky but I always cut my own hair. If you want your hair to grow, get it cut when the Moon is in Leo. Leo, like the lion with the beautiful mane. Actually it does work, like planting gardens with the Moon phases. That is why Pat is always giving me the business about astrology. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think the Navy would have let me grow my hair long. On the other hand, I'm sure they would have preferred that I didn't cut it on my own!

      Delete
  18. I cut my hair all the time. I do Kiddo's and Honeyman buzzes his off. He used to have really long hair, but had to become "respectable" for an internship job and cut it. So now it is super short.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I asked Mrs. Penwasser to give me a flat-top before I went on my final overseas deployment in 1990. I've had one ever since (after retirement, it grows a LITTLE longer, but I always ask her to whack it off. The HAIR). It's a low-maintenance kind of 'do.

      Delete
  19. Awwwww!!! This was so much love!!! Thank you. I'm sorry I went MIA... There were some life changes and adusting for me and the family. But it was all good things and everything is back to normal/ish now.

    In other words, I'm back, baby!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    http://www.flyingplatypi.com

    ReplyDelete