Thursday, February 26, 2015

Captain Caption LXI

"Okay, how many of you think The Grand Budapest Hotel should win the Oscar for Best Picture?'re wrong!!
Now you just get those bomb vests on!" 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

I'm In

Haiku is a very short form of Japanese poetry typically characterized by three qualities:

  • The essence of haiku is "cutting" (kiru). This is often represented by the juxtaposition of two images or ideas and a kireji ("cutting word") between them, a kind of verbal punctuation mark which signals the moment of separation and colors the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related.
  • Traditional haiku consist of 17 on (also known as morae), in three phrases of 5, 7 and 5 on respectively.  "On" may be Japanese for syllables.  Who knows?  Not me, that's for sure.  It's all Greek to me.

    After careful consideration and intense scrutiny of the entrails of a very cranky owl, I have decided to participate in the 2015 A-Z Challenge (I can hear the groans worldwide).  
"You're going to examine my what!?
Okay, it's MORE than three!  It's MORE than three!!"
    In the past, I just chose any old topic based on the letter of the day.  This goes a long way to explaining "X-Men."  For the letter 'X.'  (I would think this goes without saying).

    I've also picked a "History" theme in a recent challenge.  Obviously, my topic "du jour" was targeted to the letter "du jour" (French for "of jour"). 
For the letter 'X'
Although 'J' for 'junk' would have worked.

    This year, I have decided to do a "Haiku" for each letter of the alphabet.  I'm almost positive that you picked up on that's why I opened this post with a description of a "haiku" (thanks, Wikipedia!).

  NOTE:  I am confident that you had already gathered this.  Visitors to Penwasser Place are widely known for their high intelligence.  Not so much for their taste, though.

    Nothing high brow for me, no sir.  Don't expect flowery descriptions of a summer day juxtaposed (the third time a version of this word has appeared here.  See if you can find the other two!) against the soft golden rays of a setting sun.  Neither will you read a heartfelt homage to a first love or the bittersweet of a first love lost.

    No, if I can, I'll work in a fart haiku (which I could use for the letter 'F,' come to think of it).

    I think this will be a challenge because, after all, coming up with enough haikus (or should that be 'haiki'?  I should look that up) for each letter of the alphabet (which is 26, if you're outside of the Mississippi Education System) will be a...challenge.  See?  I can't even come up with a synonym for 'challenge.' So, I can see I may be screwed from the outset.

    Of course, this means I'll have to cut back a little on the writing of my next book, It's An Adventure (which is sure to be a smash besteller on the order of The Wit and Wisdom of Joe Biden).  That's okay though because it sucks I'm ahead of where I want to be.
"I forgot to include verbs!
Thank goodness there's lots of pictures!"
    Expect several reposts for the month of March as I prepare for the challenge.  My plan is to have several on delay so that I may peruse (NOTE:  Not the plural for 'Peru') those blogs which are also participating.

    NOTE:  Blogs don't participate.  The people who write blogs do.  Is it any wonder nobody's buying my books?

As a preview:

For the A To Z
I will write funny haikus
Oh, no!  Godzilla!

    Like I said.  Nothing highbrow here.

  And probably not terribly funny.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Captain Caption LX

"Hey, hey, whoa!!  I said a VIRGIN mojito!
Who do you think I am, Boehner?
And what's that guy doing behind me?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Okay, I KNOW It's Winter


Florida:  I'll get back to you in about six months, when walking around Jacksonville is like walking around in a gym sock.  I've lived there in July.  I know.

Australia:  Your time's coming, mate.  But, you do have some beautiful women, so you have that at least.

Before you know it...back to the Jersey Shore

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day-Brought to you by Hallmark!

  Today we celebrate a day of love by going to see 50 Shades of Grey giving our significant other tokens of our affection.  But, what are the origins behind this occasion?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Fifty Shades won't have subtitles!!!!!"
"Seriously, are you really going to need to know what they're saying?"

"Oh, yeah.  Duh."
  Saint Valentine was a Roman priest in the Third Century A.D. (not that politically-correct "C.E." nonsense).  He was widely known as a romantic who officiated at the weddings (presumably not the wedding night, but hey they didn't have the Internet yet) of many local lovers.  I'm quite sure that, in addition to his blessing, he would have given the happy couples Vermont Teddy Bears.  If Vermont had been invented.

  But, supremely hacked off that Valentine was a hero among the people (and that he had a much cooler name), the Emperor Claudius II had Valentine beheaded in 269 A.D.  But, his (Valentine's, not Claudius', who you probably never heard of until now) legend grew until Hallmark got wind of it and started a huge February love-fest to take your mind off the fact that snowdrifts have buried your house.
"Hey, look on the bright side, people will be screwing like rabbits in your name."
NOTE:  The Latin reads-"Told you you should have gotten the emperor a card."
  So, even though Valentine is not nearly as popular as Saint Pauli-Girl, he still gets the chicks' libidos revving.

  But, that may be 50 Shades of Grey
Before I let you go (yeah, as if you can never leave when you want, anyway.  Who am I?  A time-share salesman?), I wanted to tell you one of my favorite jokes.  It will be brief.
Wrong Brief

A college professor was quizzing his students as to the frequency of their sexual relations.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex on a daily basis?" a few hands shot up.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex a couple times a week?" many went up.
NOTE:  Remember, these are college-age kids, not the Penwasser house.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?" several hands raised in the air.

When he asked, "How about once a month?" the middle-aged commuter students raised their hands.

Deciding to go for broke, he asked, "Okay, how many of you have sex once a year?"

There was this shriek way in the back.  The professor craned his neck and squinted to see who was making the racket.  "Excuse me?" he asked.

A man came rushing down the center aisle to the podium.  "Me!" he exclaimed.  "Me!!"

The professor, nonplussed, said,  "You do know I asked 'once a year' don't you?"

"I do!  I do!" he grinned.

"Then why are you so happy?"



Now go out and get some flowers.  Saint Valentine would have wanted it that way.  Well, he would've probably wanted his head more.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Captain Caption LIX

"P-O-E-T-A-Y-T-O-E-S...hmm, that was simple.  
That Quayle is such an idiot."

For those unfamiliar with American politics:

Dan Quayle, the 44th vice-president of the United States under President George "Read My Lips" 
H. W. Bush, was widely ridiculed in 1992 when he insisted that "potato" must have an 'e' on the end.  
Certainly a "duh" moment, but not the first or last time a public figure made an idiot out of himself.
"President Cardoso, do you have blacks, too?"

Sunday, February 8, 2015

A Hair Raising Tale

  Blogging buddies, Facebook friends, and Twitter followers come and go (there are other social media platforms, but these are the only three which allow me to blather on and on).  Some folks enter our lives only to soon disappear, never to be heard from again.  This is sometimes a blessing, as in the case of Mrs. Penwasser I.

NOTE:  I know what I look like 32 years after she told me to take a long walk off a short pier.  I can only imagine what she looks like now.  Great...Googli...Moogli.
Like that.
ANOTHER NOTE:  Incidentally, Mrs. Penwasser II would like to know if Mrs. Penwasser I would like me back. Talk about 'Caveat Emptor.'  Look it up yourself.  I can't do everything.  I will tell you that it's not French, though.

  Other times this makes me sad.  For instance, Valerie Nunez of Flying Platypi fame and Matthew from Spit Your Pity no longer visit.  Sigh....
Part of me wishes she do me the same.
I kinda dig it.
No wonder Matthew hasn't blogged in four months.
Uh.  He's the one in the red shirt.
  Some of you are blogging and Facebook friends (believe it or not, some of you get a little piece of Al on Twitter and Facebook...I'm talking to you Robyn, Pat, Julie, and others).  This makes me happy.  We basically stalk follow each other on multiple platforms.  It's like we owe each other money.
  Sadly, some leave blogging altogether.  But, happily, they still remain in touch.  So it is with Sherilin, formerly of the Laughing My Abs Blog.  I'd provide a link, but she hasn't posted there in months.  Pity.  Her blog always made me smile.  By the way, I got the phrase "Great Googli Moogli" from her.

  Anyway, she asked a question on Facebook recently if anyone had ever cut their own hair.  I replied that I had, but it didn't turn out the way I would have liked. 

Cue "rippling, going-back-in-time, water effects"....
Too far.

Nuts.  Not far enough.
This didn't come out until 1978.
How sad is it that I  know that?
Let's try one more time.
Bingo, nailed it!

  It was early 1977 (you would know that if you'd been paying attention) and I was a young sailor stationed at Naval Air Station Memphis (which actually was in Millington, Tennessee, but calling it Naval Air Station Millington would have been stupid.  For one thing, they would have had to change all the letterhead stationery).
Every bit as sucky as it sounds.
  The morning after I made a trip to Connecticut to see the girl who would eventually break my heart (another story for another day), I woke up in a panic.  Today was the day of the huge personnel inspection that I had completely forgotten about.

  My uniform and shoes were a snap, especially after my shirt passed the armpit "sniff" test (even though I was quite confident the inspector wouldn't be sniffing my pits).  I really didn't care about the trouser "sniff" test, though.  If the inspector sniffed there, then we'd have a whole 'nother problem.

NOTE:  This was decades before that kind of behavior was allowed, nay lauded, in the U.S. military.

  But, I needed a haircut and the Barber Shop wouldn't be open for hours.  Besides, I had spent all my money visiting the aforementioned girl who would brea...oh, get off it, Al, stop whining!

"But she did, she really did!"
NOTE: Transvestite picture used for entertainment purposes only.
Al Penwasser does not wear make-up.
As far as you know. 
  So, I borrowed my roommate's electric clippers and proceeded to give myself a haircut WITHOUT A MIRROR.

  During the inspection...

  "Sailor, who cut your hair?"

  Not wanting to appear like the idiot I was, I lied, "My dad, chief."

  "Well, tell your dad to not quit his day job.  Get that shit fixed before reinspection Saturday morning."

  Great Googli Moogli, I was just relieved he didn't sniff my crotch.
Still felt like this, though
  This story-and MORE!-is available in It's Not Just a Job, on sale at now!  Along with untold millions of copies of Shag Carpet Toilet.  Since I know most of you won't buy it (can't say as I blame you), I'll occasionally tell some of those stories here on Blogger.

  Like that time I woke up in my pillowcase....

Cheaper than a tank of gas.

  As long as you don't go the way of Valerie or Matthew.

  But, if you do, we can still exchange recipes and snarky comments on Facebook, though.

  Like I do with Sherilin.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Captain Caption LVIII

"Huh, ya know Biden may be on to something.
Why doesn't a carrot taste like an orange
when it's colored orange?"

"I know, right?"