Monday, January 12, 2015

The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

According to Sam Clemens, aka Mark Twain, that is.

Phil Donahue
Ultra-liberal and former talk show host
Still alive

Dear tenants of Penwasser Place,

    It has come to my attention that, in a sad attempt to be funny, Al Penwasser reported that I was dead in a post this past Saturday.  

   While a somewhat humorous tale of a somewhat poignant reunion, Mr. Penwasser missed the boat when it came to me.

    Even though I was born in 1935, I can assure each and every one of you that I am indeed still kicking.  And, even though my TV show, the rather uncreatively-named Donahue, has been off the air for quite a whileplease know that I keep myself busy in many other areas, none of which I can remember at this time.  Plus, you wouldn't believe the deals I can get at Denny's when I show them my Screen Actors Guild membership card.  On a related note, I'm not entirely sure where I put my pants.  

  So, the next time some untalented little twerp tries to tell you that I have assumed ambient temperature, you let them know that they are hopelessly wrong.

  Now if I could only get someone to help me find my trousers, that'd be swell.

regards,
P. Donahue

"You may also want to let that snarky smart-ass know
that Marlo is still hot, too.
He should be so lucky to look this good." 
Incidentally, he also got this wrong.
The deer's ass still hangs over the bar at the Windmill.

39 comments:

  1. You stand corrected. Now find that man some pants.
    i don't want any drink that comes out of a deer's ass...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It looks like it gives mustard. Good thing I was drinking Yuengling, though.

      Delete
  2. There used to be a bar in Angola that had a deer's ass too. I think the bar is gone, but the ass is still there. Much to the amusement of the tiny congregation still using the building.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I first read this, I wondered (seriously), "When did Chris ever go to Angola? Was he helping Cuban revolutionaries?" Then, I figured you meant Angola, Indiana. Which made more sense.
      That being said, does THAT Angola have Cubans?
      By the way, "deers ass" and "congregation" conjures up one humorous vision.

      Delete
  3. Good thing Marlo doesn't take after her dad, huh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She doesn't have his nose.
      And he's dead.
      Now I KNOW Danny's dead.

      Delete
  4. I'm not sure I could ever drink anything at a place with a deer's ass, maybe he could make some pants out of that.

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    Replies
    1. The skin around the hot dogs was tough. It could probably serve as a durable pair of britches.

      Delete
  5. I don't know. Her face looks kinda zombified. She must've had some Botox. Don't ya think, Al? Maybe I'm just biased against her ever since I read a POSITIVE article/review she wrote on 50 Shades of Grey. I had great respect for her and her work until then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She wrote an article about 50 Shades? Huh. I really haven't kept up on the goings-on with the Donahue couple. Maybe I should.

      Delete
  6. Glad to hear Phil is still alive, especially after I challenged you on this. I'd hate to be wrong calling the great Penwasser wrong.

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    Replies
    1. I still don't know how I botched that. I think I just figured he was dead. Golly, I hope my family never thinks that of ME.

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  7. Phil is just as productive now as ever...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He may be. I just don't know.
      Hell, I didn't even know he was still alive.

      Delete
  8. I got to be honest here... I would have never guessed he was still alive.

    I would guess however, that now in his 80's, he can't find his pants.

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    Replies
    1. When I turn 80 (God willing), I don't plan on ever wearing my pants. Except when I get that special at Dennys. Then, I'll wear sweat pants.

      Delete
  9. If you want to see a public figure who is amazingly still alive you need to look no further than Bruce Forsyth. He was a child star too and has been in the industry pretty much his entire life. He was born in 1928, making him older than Donahue but not quite older than the queen. There was a bit of a kerfuffle recently when someone said he was older than the queen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least nobody said he WAS the Queen.
      Or, did they?

      Delete
  10. Is it possible that Marlo wears the pants in that house and that's why he can't find them? Just sayin'!

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    Replies
    1. Well, she WAS That Girl, so I wouldn't put it past her.

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  11. So where can I get a deers ass? I eat all the deer asses I shoot. That's where all the good steaks come from. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you can get a deers ass primarily from a deer. There are a lot of horse's asses in Washington, though.

      Delete
  12. That's pretty shocking

    people still eat at Denny's?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey Mr. Donahue, come back to doing your show. That bloody English idiot, Jeremy Kyle is doing a version of his show over where y'all live. He needs to be stopped. Shove a deer's ass up his ass.

    That is all,

    Gary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While I was tempted to Google Jeremy Kyle and, thus, make it look like I knew who he was, I didn't. Now that I've expressed my ignorance, I shall.

      Delete
    2. Now that I did, I see that his show over here was cancelled after two seasons. That sounds about right, doesn't it?

      Delete
  14. I never knew his TV show was off the air. Doesn't that make him dead from the neck upwards? His neck actually looks ready for a sky burial.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really didn't, either. Far be it from me, though, to joke about his neck.
      In the past year, I've noticed that I'm sportin' quite the old geezer neck myself.

      Delete
  15. I have nothing I didn't read the post I don't remember reading it maybe I did but I just forgot

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  16. I'm so glad you straightened this out. Did you know Marlo writes a column for AARP Magazine, and she's very involved in St. Judes. I really miss her bangs. Anyway, I hope that Marlo and Phil don't hold grudges; otherwise the Lesbians will come after you!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Although I didn't know, it's not surprising in the least that Marlo's involved with St. Jude (especially since Dad was).
      But...lesbians? I am intrigued.
      Especially if THEY'RE hot.

      Delete
    2. It was meant to be a take-off on Lebanese. Maybe you were off working for your neighbor, while I was home watching reruns of The Danny Thomas Show.

      Julie

      Delete
    3. Ohhhhhhh....I'm dense. That's funny!

      Delete
  17. Does this news make me have to do anything?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unless you feel a need to fondle the deers ass....
      Hey, I won't judge.

      Delete