Sunday, September 28, 2014

Toaster Strudel, Ja?

    I know.  

   That creepy little German kid just popping up in peoples' kitchens really weirds me out, too.
"You vil be liking ze toaster strudel pastries, ja?
Und you vil shmile.  Or, ve zhall shoot zis puppy."

But, hey, it could be worse.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

    So, whaddya say?  Let's crank up the toaster.

Sociological Observation:  Not for nothin', but that kid would sooooo get his ass kicked in an American Middle School.  Ja.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Captain Caption XLXIX

From June 23, 2012:  the very FIRST Facebook Funnies!

Since last week was the 100th Facebook Funnies/Captain Caption, I thought it would be appropriate to repost the one which got the whole thing started.

Okay, it's because I didn't write anything new this week.  I really oughta keep up with this stuff.  But, I've been so busy writing my book and surfing for porn, that it can sometimes be a trial.

In any event if you've seen this, my apologies.   Please consider visiting some of my followers, many of whom know how to psell.

If you haven't, then it's new to you.  In which case, I probably shouldn't have told you it's a repost.


"Ya know, if that whole Supreme Court thing doesn't work out for you, you may want to consider washing your face, taking the dress off, and see if you can get your job back playing 'Doug' on the King of Queens."

In case you don't know, this is a picture of Elena Kagan who, in August, 2010, became the 112th justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. The other guy won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Yeah.  That's kinda ironic, huh?

King of Queens
State Farm
Although that really doesn't make any sense.

"Vlad, Barack again.  Barack Obama.  Jeez, how many Baracks do you know???  
Hey, listen, that Penwasser asshole is still doing it.  I thought we...oh, no, that's totally cool.  I know you have a country to invade and all.  No, no, I can totally call back."

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's Baaaaccccckkkkk

WARNING:  The following contains picture reposts.  Proceed with caution.

    In case you missed it, Autumn started at 10:29 EDT (or 2259 EDT for the "24 Hour Clock People").

NOTE:  Picture for entertainment use only.
Because it's not light out at night, that's why.  
And so it begins.  

No, I don't mean working at Walmart. Australia....

"It's springtime and I can go to the beach.
Hey, why don't you take a picture?
Lasts longer, mate."

Saturday, September 20, 2014

You Say Tomahto. I Say Tomayto. Infidel.


    "Okay, I'd like to call the first meeting of ISIS to order.  Our first order of business will be our secret handshake.  Our second will...yes, Jamail?"
    "What does 'ISIS' mean?"
    "Islamic State of Iraq and Syria."
    "Wait...what?  The infidel Obama said we weren't Islamic."
    "Yeah, well, he picked Biden to be his vice-president, too, sooooo....  Anyway, we...yes, Jamail?"
    "Wait, wasn't 'ISIS' also an Egyptian goddess?"
    "And a rock band?"
    "And the 'International Secret Intelligence Service' on 'Archer?'  I love 'Archer'."
    "And a TV show in the 70s?"
    "I think it's a pharmaceutical company, too."
    "And, I...hey!  Wasn't there a Shazam!/ISIS Power Hour cartoon in the 70's?"
    "Sigh....yes.  So, what's your point?"
    "My point is, why don't we have a more unique name?"
    "Sigh...that's probably true.  Let's see...KAOS, SPECTRE, and the KKK are already used.  How about 'ISIL'?"
    "What's that?"
    "Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant."
    "The countries along the Eastern Mediterranean."
    "Hmm...maybe.  But, don't we only control land in Iraq and Syria?"
    "Yes, what of it?"
    "Well, Levant doesn't make sense then."
    "But, we have Muslim brothers in Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey, Egypt, and Israel."
    "Yeah, but we have them in Minneapolis, too."
    "So we do.  But, I'm still gonn...hey!  Are you trying to bust my balls, Jamail?"
    "Tee...hee...hee, you caught me!  Allahu Akbar!"
    "Smart ass.  Allahu Akbar, yourself." 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Captain Caption XLVIII

"Vlad?  Barry.  Hey, listen, we gotta do something about that smart-ass Penwasser.  This is his 48th 'Captain Caption.' Now, I'm not very good
 at math-except I can track the shit out of my golf score-but when you combine it with his stupid 'Facebook Funnies,' that makes 100 of
 these damn things, a lot of which involve you and me.  Or should
 that be you and 'I'?  Anyway, the IRS is all tied up keeping an eye
 on my citizens and the NSA has its own problems.  I'd put Biden on
 it, but he's an idiot.  Can you help a brother out?"

"Who is this?"


Sunday, September 14, 2014

American Educashun-Leading the World!

  At least they spelled "Leo" correctly.  That's gotta count for something.  

  And, isn't it "Cancer the Crab"  instead of "Cancer the Lobster"?

Incidentally, I thought it was "Gemini-The Twins"
not "Gemini-the Siamese Twins."

  I'm thinking they can forget a career in the sciences.

  On the bright side, I hear the fast food industry is hiring.  They've clearly demonstrated they have the required skills.

Must have that special sauce.
Good thing they're moving to Canada.
If they misspell anything in French, who would know?

"They're," "Their," "There."  
Who the frik cares?  It's a chicken joint.  
Plus, I like Buffalo Nuggets, two.
See what I did their there?

Even better, they're looking to get the minimum wage increased!


Friday, September 12, 2014


September 12, 2001

Naval Air Station Keflavik, Iceland

Time to grieve for friends, grieve for family
And convince ourselves that there continues to be good all over the world. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

September 11, 2001

  Yes, this is a repost of a repost of a...well, you get the point.  But, I am going to continue reposting this sad story of a world gone to hell.     
  Unfortunately, given the news today, things haven't improved.
  I just pray this will never happen again.
  I'm not terribly optimistic, though.  Tragically, evil and barbarism is how much of the human race conducts business.

    It’s my generation’s “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” moment.

    Just before one o’clock in the afternoon on September 11th (a sad commentary: we don’t even need to identify the year anymore), my maintenance supervisor stuck his head into my room as I snoozed in preparation for the night shift.

    “Sir, someone just flew a plane into the World Trade Center.”

    Minutes later, I watched, horrified, as a second plane struck the South tower.  And then, as both of the monstrously huge structures tumbled to the ground like they were kicked by a petulant child.

    My Willow Grove unit was participating in a multi-national exercise at the Naval Air Station in Keflavik, Iceland (this explains why it was the afternoon).  A round-the-clock operation, the “Keflavik Tactical Exchange” gave us a chance to evaluate each other’s capabilities should we ever needed to flex our respective militaries.  Little did we know that we were preparing for a type of war which no longer existed.

    Because the 21st Century came roaring into each of our lives on that late summer day.

    Naturally, the exercise was immediately cancelled.  Foreign aircrews (funny that I call them “foreign” since we were actually foreigners, too) beat hasty retreats to their home bases.  We, on the other hand, were told that American airspace was closed indefinitely.

    Station security forces went into their highest readiness posture.  Watch teams at the main gate beefed up, rings of barbed wire cordoned off perceived sensitive areas, and armed patrols roamed the perimeter.

    My watch teams and I, on the other hand, remained at our billeting.  In Iceland only for the exercise, we were considered non-essential personnel who’d only get in the way.

    And so we spent the next few days.

    I received a worried phone call from my wife during this time.  She fretted over my safety.  I assured her that I was fine, but omitted the fact that I was more concerned for her and the kids.

    You see, my family lives in Hilltown, Pennsylvania.  Which is only a couple hours from New York City and only a few from Washington.

    The ensuing few days were a frantic search for whatever updates we could glean from the news.  We desperately wanted to know how in the world we’d get ourselves and thousands of pounds of equipment back home.

    Most importantly, we yearned to get into the fight.  Whatever the fight was.

    Four days later, U.S. airspace was opened to military traffic.  As I glanced through the window of the Navy P-3 patrol plane which took us home, I was struck at how empty the sky was-with the exception of the one plane which approached us as we crossed into the United States.  It came no closer than a few miles before it disappeared.

    I think it was a fighter aircraft.

    What’s more, the radio circuits, normally full of the chatter from countless air traffic controllers, were eerily silent.  The only ones “on the air” were the handful who guided us home.  All else were hushed into silence.

    Our route of flight took us just south of Manhattan, well out of sight of land.  At that distance, even at the altitude at which we were flying, it was impossible to see any of the city skyline.

    But, we did see a huge pall of gray-brown smoke lingering in the air like the death shroud that it was.

    As we touched down at NAS-JRB Willow Grove, there was nobody to greet us or any acknowledgment that we were even back.  Somehow, though, it seemed fitting.

    After all, we all had something much more important to do.

    Go home to our families.

In memory of:
Commander Bill Donovan, USN
AW2 (NAC/AW) Joseph Pycior, USN
and the thousands whose only crime was going to work that day.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


No matter where you fall on what's happened the past 13 years, it's undeniable that the world has never been the same since...

September 10, 2001

And 19 very angry men would soon go to sleep.
They have early flights in the morning.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Captain Caption LXVII

"Okay, we're all in agreement.  No more letting Chris Christie do a cannonball."

Monday, September 1, 2014

Now On Sale at Walmart

Which, I think, is kinda appropriate.

But, seriously, I think I could do this on my own.
And wouldn't need to spend $7.96 to do it.

It smells much better, though.  
That has to count for something.