Saturday, August 30, 2014

Time Flies


NOTE:  No lenses in the glasses.
And I'm not wearing pants.
  Thirty-eight years ago today, I boarded a train in New Haven, Connecticut, bound for Navy boot camp at Great Lakes, Illinois.  My intention was to see the world for four years, get a tattoo, and then return home to be a teacher.  

  Wouldn't you know it?  I didn't do any of those.  Four became twenty-seven, I passed out while waiting to get a tattoo, and I never became a teacher.

Naval Air Station Memphis
I use this picture to scare children at Halloween.

So young, so innocent.
So gonna get drunk off his ass the next time the ship pulls into port.
Wherein I adopt the "Cheesy 70s Porn Star Stash."

NOTE:  Pit stain.
Cut me some slack.  It was frikkin' hot that day.
And I sweat like a pig.


Naval Air Station Sigonella, Sicily
The reason I'm squinting is that the power went out and we had to take this picture outside.
But, you can't see any pit stains.

My hat was too small.
This explains the "deer  in a headlight look."

Why, yes.  I did get a free bowl of soup with that haircut.

Yes, my pants were a little snug.  Thanks for noticing.
But, I....

got my nose creased by a grease pan, fell asleep on the beach at Copacabana, woke up in a pillowcase, ended up on the wrong train out of Rome, saw two Popes, understood neither, stiffed an Egyptian boat boy, spent three hours talking to a Greek man even though he didn't speak English and I didn't speak Greek, got my head handed to me by a Seabee, slept under a pinball machine during a brawl, almost urinated in a Saudi foot bath, bought an Iranian rug (oops, forget I said that), rolled my car in North Carolina, got married, got divorced, got married again, floated in the Dead Sea, peed in the Indian Ocean, stepped across the Arctic Circle with my family, tied my shoe at Masada, ate Octopus Soup in Yugoslavia, woke up with Oreo cookie crumbs in my chest hairs, trolled for rich people at a Cannes marina, tracked Soviet submarines 1,000 feet above the Strait of Gibraltar at night, threw a penny in the Trevi Fountain, skinnydipped in a mobile home park's pool, played golf in Iceland, tied the sandal of St. Peter's statue at the Vatican,  threw up ten yards from the main gate at the Navy base in Crete, did the "nasty" while underway (Mrs. Penwasser was onboard for Family Day...hubba...hubba), ate whale in Norway, spit off the Eiffel Tower, spit off the Leaning Tower of Pisa, spit off the Colosseum, spit off a carrier's flight deck,  told to "knock that silly shit off," saw a belly dance in Cairo, saw a belly dance in an Emirati desert, went four wheeling in the same desert, got drunk in an Islamic country, flew missions in the Red Sea during Desert Shield, witnessed the birth of my son, witnessed the birth of my daughter, allegedly present during both conceptions,  shocked that those Russian hookers weren't "into me," saw the Mona Lisa, wondered what the big deal was, ran over an iguana in Puerto Rico, landed on an aircraft carrier, and retired with an almost endless collection of memories.

Still no pants.
Yeah, I'd say that was worth not getting a tattoo.

"Hey, why no Tattoo!?
That seems pretty fuc...ohhhhh, I'm dead.
Well, that makes sense."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Captain Caption XLVI

"HOOWEE, well lookie here!  I got a text from that hottie at Red Robin!!  Shoot, what am I gonna do with Cankles here?  Mebbe I can talk them fellers from PETA to push her in."

Monday, August 25, 2014

Away a Few Days


  I've been gone a few days and am trying to catch up.  Mrs. Penwasser and I went to Virginia Beach for a long weekend (which proved to be a lonnnnnngggggg weekend for our relatives).    
  So, give me a couple days and I'll be all caught up.

While we didn't actually stay AT the Resort Area, we could see it.
I think.
Hey, the parking was cheap, anyway.
Like our president, I took in a little golf, too.
No wonder the greens fees were so cheap.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Captain Caption XLV

Budweiser-Official Beer of Inner City Riots Since 1867

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

And Now For Something Completely Different

Yesterday was a bit of a downer.
Hope this makes up for it.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Well, It's Better Than Swallowing Cinnamon

Okay, a bit of a downer.  But, it's Monday...

    Israel continues its battles in Gaza, the World Health Organization says deaths due to Ebola have reached 1,145, the terrorist group ISIS systematically beheads children in Iraq, pro-Russian rebels shoot down a fighter jet near Luhansk, Boko Haram abducts dozens of boys in northeast Nigeria, North Korea threatens a merciless pre-emptive strike on U.S. and South Korea war games,  the streets of France swarm with violent pro-Hamas protesters, Saudi woman sentenced to 50 lashes for calling "morality police" liars, and so on.

Meanwhile, in the United States....

Hey, just doing our part.
Don't worry, there's plenty of violence in Missouri, though.
And, have you seen the southern border?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Captain Caption XLIV

  "Wow, they nailed it with the makeup in that new Apes movie, didn't they?"
  "No kidding, you could almost believe th...hey, wait a minute.  Aren't we all supposed to be dead?"
  "Yeah, so what's your point?"
  "My point is, if we're dead, why the frik should we care about how good that makeup is?"
  "Well, I suppose you're right, but you gotta adm..."
  "Give it a rest already, Roddy.  And, can you do me a favor and tell Maurice over there to stop sniffing my shoes when we're done every night?  It's starting to skeeve me out."

Monday, August 11, 2014

Feel Good About Yourself

  Whatever problems you think you may have, be of good cheer.  At least you're not this lady.

She was someone's baby once.
  An Oklahoma teacher was arrested for allegedly showing up drunk, shoeless, and pantless on her day of the job.

NOTE To My British (and Australian, as well?) friends:  I know what you may be thinking:  "So, she wasn't wearing pants.  What's the big deal?"  Our "pants" is used interchangeably with the word "trousers."  I believe that "pants" to a British speaker means "undergarments."  So, this is worse than you may think.
ESPECIALLY if she wasn't wearing undergarments, as well.

  Lori Ann Hill, 49, was found in an empty classroom by the Wagoner High School Assistant Principal.  He was unavailable for comment, as he immediately ran to the Nurse's Office to obtain an icepick so that he might "erase that mental image from my mind's eye."

At press time, it was unclear whether he found her hot.
Maybe so.
It is Oklahoma, after all.

  I just hope she didn't teach Sex Education.

  There now, don't you feel so much better?

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
Unless you can score a sweet gig as a teacher in Oklahoma."

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Captain Caption XLIII

"Hey, Dad, come on!  You're only supposed to shake it once, ya know.  We gotta get a move on.  I want front row seats at the Miley Cyrus show down at the kibbutz.  That shicksa can sure shake her ass."

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Wait Until Someone Steps Out the Door


You can kiss that box of glazed goodbye.

  By the way, I won the contest at Mid-Life Collage for Journey to the Center of My Bowels.  Thank you, thank you to everyone who read/commented on my tale of my tail (see what I did there?).  So, I guess you could call me an "Award Winning Published Author" now.  Or Mrs. Penwasser's pet name for me, "Dumbass."  
  Maybe now I can submit those stories about my vasectomy and hemorrhoid surgery (NOTE: They didn't occur at the same time.  Although that would be quite a story, huh?)?

"TMI!  For the love of all that's holy...TMI!"

Monday, August 4, 2014

Today's Nerd Moment

  If any of you haven't seen Dawn of the Planet of the Apes,  I very much recommend it.  Ending pretty much as you'd expect, I really don't think I'm giving anything away.  Let's put it this way...the title pretty much nails it.

Okay, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes can boast superior makeup.
But, it doesn't have anything remotely like this.
  Having grown up with the original Apes movies, I must say that this movie is a worthy successor to the franchise.  Especially since, while the original Planet was quite good, the followers were dreadful schlock (except, sort of, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, which was still a tad silly).  

  As far as the Planet of the Apes television series?  Yet another reason why I would just like to forget the 70's.

And this shirt.
And the glasses.
And, good grief, the sideburns.
  Now, before you young pups go and lambaste my generation by bringing such pabulum to the big screen, may I remind you of the craptastic Planet of the Apes with Marky Mark and Paul Giamotti?
"Yeah, I'm in makeup so folks
may not really know who I am.
But, Mark, you?
Yeah, you're screwed."

  Yeah, that's what I thought.

  Anyway, as the title of the post suggests, this is a nerd moment.  In the new movie, the cerebral orangutan who teaches his students, among other things that "ape does not kill ape" (show of hands for those who've seen the movie?  How many think that was a bit of ironic foreshadowing?).  

  His name is Maurice.
"Yeah, I'm much more realistic
than that poser in those other movies.
Except I can't speak as much, so there's that.
But, apes don't speak anyways.

  In the original Planet of the Apes, the orangutans are the learned simians.  They are the teachers, philosophers,   and lawyers (wait, I said learned, didn't I?  Crap).  Anyway, the head orangutan is called Dr. Zaius.  He is played by the noted British actor (who apparently fell on hard times), Maurice Evans.
"Oh, yeah?  Well, up yours, punk!
I'm a well-known British actor.
Who's dressed as a...oh, well, never mind."
I wonder how many other nerds out there caught it?

Or was it just a coincidence?

I think not.

And you wonder why I was always beat up in school?

NOTE:  Maurice Evans also played a warlock on Bewitched named..."Maurice."
Geez, I hope the writers didn't hurt themselves coming up with that name.
On the bright side, he's now dead.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

How Ya Fixed For Shag?

    As threatened promised, the printed version of Shag Carpet Toilet arrived in the mail last Thursday.  I would have told you then, but I wanted to give you a couple days to figure out what I was trying to say in Captain Caption.  Then, when you consider I have another post coming here Monday, there was precious little time to let you know about it.
No, wait.  That's a good thing."
    So, this is on delayed post, which means I'm speaking to you from the past.   Ooooooooooo.........

    Inspired by the overwhelming sale of two eBook versions of my opus to lavatorial embellishment, I decided to see if I could talk someone into actually printing the thing.  Luckily, things were slow at Create Space so-Voila! (French for "Huzzah!"  Maybe), the printed copy of Shag Carpet Toilet has arrived (which, had you read the first paragraph, you would have known.

  If you'd like to order it for yourself (or a village), please feel free (or reasonably priced) to use to get your copy (Good grief!  Can I use the frikkin' link enough times!?).  There's sure to be a mad rush to get this thing in your hot little hands.  Shag Carpet Toilet is a delightfully light (i.e., ridiculously simplistic) summer read.  

  Then, when you're done, you can take it with you into the bathroom.  What you do with it there is your own business.  FYI?    Paper cuts on a certain part of your anatomy can be quite painful.  Or, to use strict medical jargon, "stingy."

  It's more expensive than the eBook sure, but it's paper which has many other valuable uses.  For example, it's cheaper than a six-pack of Charmin'.
Shag Carpet Toilet
Yeah, yeah, Al, we get it
  By the way, if you were one of the two people who got the Kindle version, I changed nothing.  Well, Mickey gets a sex change and Spags gets an STD from a monkey, but that's about it.

"Kenneth Lynch"