Thursday, July 31, 2014

Captain Caption XLII

"No, seriously, can we get any hats that fit!!??"

Monday, July 28, 2014

Monkey See, Monkey Write, Monkey Fling Poo

NOTE:  Used without asking their permission.  But, it's from their Facebook page and they'd probably want the publicity.   So they'd be cool with it and all.
    When I woke up this morning, I at first was thrilled that I had made it through another day.  Then, I determined to write some comedy gold here at Blogger after making a few comments on blogs which are far and away better than what you'd find here.     

    After deciding it would be too much work to give you something new, I opted for something else.  "No," I hear you cry, "not another frikkin' repost!  You just got back!!"

   Well, that's just what I'm going to do, whiners.  But, this will be a repost with a twist.

    Inspired by Robyn Engel, author of one of those aforementioned quality blogs, Life By Chocolate, I decided to enter a writing contest sponsored by Midlife Collage.  Because I'm middle-aged, dammit, that's why!

    For those who do not know (and I didn't, until Robyn entered), Mid Life Collage sponsors weekly writing contests which are held...uh...every week (hence the "weekly" designation).  Each week (once again...week), five stories are trotted out for your pleasure.  If you give them a look-see, you are encouraged to "Like" Mid Life Collage on their Facebook page and leave comments stating how wonderful, up-roaringly hilarious, inciteful, or putrid the piece was.

   The good people at MLC will take that all into consideration when deciding the winner.  After consulting the entrails of an owl and a Magic 8 Ball, of course.

    The winner then receives a GRAND PRIZE of FIFTY
DOLLARS (which, frankly, would have been much grander in the 1950's.  Or in Bangladesh)!!  He/she (or He-She.  I won't judge)  is entered into a quarterly contest where $100 is at stake (at least we're talking the 1960's now.  And Mogadishu).

Anyway, if you feel so inclined, please have a look at Journey to the Center of My Bowels.
    If you also feel so inclined, feel free (or reasonably priced) to leave a comment.

    Incidentally, it's posted by Ken Lynch.  Is there anyone out there who still doesn't realize he is me and me is he (and neither one of us are good at grammar)?
    Thank you and thank you, Robyn!

P.S.  On an unrelated note, I was also inspired by Mark, of The Rambling Person (yet another quality blog) to put one of my books on Create Space.  By doing that, it would be available in a printed version that could be distributed worldwide and be a huge financial windfall for me.  Spurred on by horrendously lackluster sales as an eBook, I have therefore decided that Shag Carpet Toilet will be available for purchase.  I've ordered my copy, but won't hawk (NOTE:  also a synonym for "bringing up phlegm") it until I've had a chance to see if it is as I had hoped (e.g., I'm hoping they kept the verbs in).  

    In other words...more to follow.

    But, what are you waiting for, go have a look at my bowels!  No, wait. that didn't come out right.

    By the way, ROBYN WON HER CONTEST!  How cool is that?

"And, if I win, we're all gonna get laid!!"
"For fifty bucks!?  Who you gonna find for that!?"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Captain Caption XLI

Scientists Investigating Giant Hole In Siberia.

In related news, Octo-Mom visits Russia.

Monday, July 21, 2014

What Goes Around...

After posting a picture last week which purported to be proof of extraterrestrial life here on Earth...

C'mon, you know the one.

Gary Busey posted a picture of me on his blog.

Well played, Gary.  Well played.

The Moral of the Story:  Those who live in glass houses ought to use the rest room at the gas station.  Or something like that.

NOTE:  A Gary Busey blog is not verifiable and may, in fact, be a total fabrication.  After all, it's tough to type with tentacles.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Captain Caption XL

NASA says discovering alien life within next 20 years is "within reach."


Monday, July 14, 2014

It's Always the Same

Each year, whenever I have my physical, I always hope that my doctor will forget to check my prostate.  

This year? 

He didn't forget

On the bright side, I'm as clean as a whistle.  Just not the type of whistle you'd like to use.  I'm just sayin'...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Captain Caption XXXIX

NOTE:  All you smug lot in the Southern Hemisphere, winter's there.  Good luck with that.

Monday, July 7, 2014

All My Stuff is Here

"Okay, so it's a deal.  We keep the colonies, but we'll send you Madonna.  You can have football, but we're gonna call it soccer.  That's okay, though, because nobody will watch it.
Now...I hate to ask this, who gets France?  Oh, efff.  Hey, what if we give them Jerry Lewis?"
    On Independence Day (I don't prefer to call it the "4th of July" because every country has the 4th of July), Pickleope wrote a very entertaining post called "Give Me Freedom or Give Me Pickles." In it, he castigated those who would wrap themselves in the American flag under the guise of patriotism.  To him, this was a ridiculous way of saying, "My country can beat up your country. Nyah, nyah, nyah!"  Or something like that.

    Far be it from me to hawk his (or her-did we ever figure that
Tell you what...when you figure that out,
let me know what I am."
out?) post, but if you haven't already, go ahead and check it out.  He/she (whatever) also mentions pickles so it's worth a look.  I mean, c'mon...pickles!!

    I agree with the esteemed Pickleope that there are those who blindly wrap themselves in the flag and who do think they're better than anyone else.  If you don't believe me, watch NASCAR or a Larry the Cable Guy special.
    Oh, my, that was a gross stereotype.  How 'bout a Boston Pops concert?  They're probably there, too. 

"Hahahahahahaha...that's hilarious!
Hey!  What's that black dude doing here?"
    But, where I disagree is that I am a patriot who loves his country, but not blindly.  And certainly not from a "my country, may she always be in the right.  But, my country, right or wrong."  standpoint.  Okay, I'm paraphrasing, but I didn't feel like looking it up.  This is what's known as "lazy."

Yep, more than this.
But this is enough.
  The United States certainly has its share of warts over the course of its history.  The US hasn't been perfect by any stretch.  I know this and readily acknowledge this.  By the way, Pickle (may I call you Pickle?), spot on about Washington and the Revolutionary War.

    But, I do love my country.  And, by my "country,"  I mean my family, friends, and the good people who live here.  I don't mean our government.  They're just a bunch of empty suits pandering to this special interest or that.

"Oh, yeah?  Well, you suck!
Plus, I got more action than you did.  Winning!"
"You suck."
For every Obama, there was a Bush.  Suffice to say there are weasels on both sides of the aisle.  But, since I don't want to get drawn into a long tiresome debate, let's try people who've been dead almost 200 years...for every John Adams, there was a Thomas Jefferson.
"Who's getting some action??"
   That being said, I'll tell you this....I'll bet that had I been born in another country, I would have loved it too.

Exhibit:  A
    Because of my time in the Navy, I have traveled to many lands.  I've even lived in one-Iceland.  I've found good people there and something positive about each.  Of course, I've also met some real scumbags and seen some awful things.  Then again, I could say the same thing about the New Jersey Shore.
Yeah, even Spain.
They were probably Red Sox fans, so it's cool.


There isn't one that I wouldn't like to visit again.

    To sum up, I'm proud to be an American.  

    But, I sincerely hope you're proud to be British, Australian, Canadian, Mexican, French (no, really), and New Zealanderish, too.

    Oh yeah, I also hope you're proud to be Russian.

    I see "Russia" on my "Audience" stats a lot and I don't want to hack you guys off.   
"Here's lookink at you, Al.
24 hours a day."

    Tell Pickleope I said "Hi!"

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Captain Caption XXXVII

"You too?"
"Yeah, I would have thought that Viagra would have worn off by now."

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I'm Back


 As promised, I've come back.  Well, I actually promised that I'd be back the last week of June, but all my posts mysteriously disappeared after my hard drive crashed.  So I really can't be blamed.
"That's okay, Al, works for me.
I don't care what Boehner and
the rest of those A-Holes think."
  For those of you who paid attention (this would be remarkable as I barely paid attention), back in March I felt a little overwhelmed by all the obligations I had imposed on myself.  Between writing here, posting excerpts from my book over at the It's Not Just a Job blog (don't bother checking it out-very few people did anyway), coaching a softball team, writing a blog for my local paper, having my penis enlarged, writing the aforementioned book, and actually working at a real job (which interestingly enough, was the only gig which paid me), I felt I couldn't keep up.  So, I bowed out for a fashion.
  I was afraid that my work here would suffer. 
 NOTE:  Yeah, it could have gotten worse.

"What!?  Penwasser's back?
Great...that's just effin' great!  I suppose we'll see more pictures of Chaz again!"
    But, since my softball team was only one of the two teams which didn't make the playoffs, I stopped writing for the paper (they paid as well as Blogger), and I once more entered the ranks of the unemployed, I figured that I had more time to drive you fine folks crazy again.
  Of course...
I'll still be working on my book (I actually got a lot accomplished during my sabbatical and hope to have that sucker done by New Years), but since my days won't be jammed pack with, you know, gainful employment, I decided to reopen the place.  I may have another go at that enlarging thing, as well. 
  My Twitter account is still active, as well as my Facebook (as a
couple of you poor blighters know) so you may see some duplication of posts/pictures here and there.  And there will be some reposts along the way, so nothing really has changed.  But, hey, that's the price you pay for having me so many ways (ooh, I may want to rephrase that so it sounds less creepy).

  That being said, I need to get going.  I plan on watching a little of the World Cup.  Soccer is apparently pretty popular.

"Ya know, I don't wanna bitch and all, but
you'd think the Son of God could get better seats.
Jesus Chr...oops, see what I almost did there?"