Thursday, February 27, 2014

Captain Caption XXXII

"Okay, please for to be telling me.  Is the right or left fingers for the pickings of the nose?  Bah, who gives rat's behind anyways?  I can blowing the nose on Kerry's suit pants.
Besides, we have kicking the USA assky in Olympics.
Except in the hockeys.  Won't be seeing them no more."

Monday, February 24, 2014

Millard Fillmore

"Well, sure, but the batsuit has nipples.
That's gotta count for something."
    In my homage to Presidents Day last week (even though it was last Monday, there were still Presidents Day car sales on TV this weekend starring Washington and Lincoln impersonators...at least I hope they weren't actually George and Abe.  If so, they looked great), Gorilla Bananas of the japing ape commented that he didn't know that Millard Fillmore was an actual president.



NOTE:  If you haven't done so, please visit Gorilla.  His blog is pretty funny and is a wry take on the human condition.  Plus, he sometimes posts topless pictures.  Of ladies.  Except this week.  He has a picture of George Clooney.  NOT topless.  Thank goodness.

    Gorilla is a British gorilla so I'm extremely impressed that he knew even that much.  In fact, most non-Americans know more about American history than Americans do.  Like Grant is buried in Grant's tomb, buffalos don't actually have wings, soccer is football, and shag isn't a floor covering.

"Quite."
  Anyway, I did a little research into our good dead friend Millard.  And, by little, I just looked in my old high school history book, which only went up to the Vietnam War.


    So, how'd that all turn out, anyway?


I don't know, Al.
You tell me.
    I didn't take notes (because that would be work).  Instead, I've just written down what I remembered.  I hope that's enough.  If it's not, go check out George Clooney on the japing ape.

NOTE:  I've included the link twice.  So, you damn well better visit.

Millard Fillmore
13th President of the United States
July 9, 1850-March 4, 1850

    While the number '13'  is considered unlucky, Millard was Zachary Taylor's vice-president.  Taylor died of a stomach-ache in 1850, thus propelling Fillmore into the presidency.  

    So, I maintain that  '12'  is actually unlucky.

Political Party:  Millard Fillmore was the last Whig president.  Like George W. Bush will be the last Republican president.  

Birthplace (February 7, 1800):  Cayuga County, New York, in the Finger Lakes region.  This sounds dirty.

Or uncomfortable
Deathplace (March 7, 1874):  Where he died.  Just kidding.  He actually died in Buffalo, New York.  Which should more technically called Bison, New York.  Because there aren't any buffalos in the United States (except Oprah).  Winged or otherwise.   Since he died after the Civil War, he knew who actually won (which is more than Zachary Taylor could say).

Notable Accomplishment:  Punchline for countless jokes.  Until Jimmy Carter came along.

Other accomplishments:  Supported the Compromise of 1850 which, among other things, granted statehood to California, told Texas to take their mitts off the New Mexico Territory, ordered the US Navy to make Japan more receptive to Western trade (which had to have hacked the Japanese off), approved the Fugitive Slave Act, and basically pissed everyone off (see Civil War).  Because of this, the Whigs booted him from their party, intent on remaining relevant in the mid-19th Century (Abraham Lincoln:  "Psyche.").

   
"Knuckles, Mr. Fillmore.
Knuckles!"
Fillmore then joined the notorious Anti-Catholic "Know-Nothing" Party (see George W. Bush.  I'm sorry, fellow conservatives.  It was just too easy).







Franklin Pierce
"Okay, so I sucked.
But, I'm no James Buchanan.
Or Jimmy Carter."
   He lost the Election of 1852 to Franklin Pierce (I know...who??) which was personally upsetting to be sure.  But, at least he got out of town before his successors stunk up the joint (see also James Buchanan).

    




Millard Fillmore:  13th President of the United States, Proponent of the Compromise of 1850, namesake for a duck.

"That's mallard, dumbass!"
Tell Gorilla I said hi.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Captain Caption XXXI and a THANK YOU

"Okay, who wants to sneak into the United States, collect welfare,
work at a 7-11, and maybe meet a movie star?"
"Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!"
"You'll have to behead a couple infidels first, though."
"Oh...BONUS!!"


Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't publicly (or as publicly as Blogger can get) thank Robyn Engel for taking that $1,000 and Channing Tatum blow-up doll I sent her into consideration by awarding me prizes for a winning Anti-Valentine Slogan.

My slogan was juvenile and catered to the lowest common denominator (according to Herman Turnip who doesn't know me, but apparently gets me.  Lowest common denominator is what I do).

Anyway, I was sent some delicious chocolate and, what's best, my own copy of Robyn's wonderful book, Just the Right Time, which you can review by clicking on the link on the upper right (yeah, I know how to do these things.  Just because I'm juvenile-and I am-doesn't mean I'm not switched on).

If you'd like to have a look at the other slogans (personally, I would've voted for Julie, but it's my chocolate now), go ahead and have a look here.  No, I meant here!  Hee...hee...hee.

NOTE:  Juvenile is about right.

"WHAT!?"


Monday, February 17, 2014

Happy Presidents Day!

    Last week, Jo-Anne, from the aptly-named Jo-Anne's Ramblings, posited the following: How Well Do You Know Your Country?.

    NOTE:  As much of a hassle it was to type that link, you'd better click on it.  Or lie that you did.  Yeah, like I'll know the difference.

    NOTE II:  I probably could have just copied and pasted that link, huh?  Well, click on it anyway.

    Jo Anne has an understandable pride in her nation of Australia.  
"Tell me about it.  Stud."
Not only is it warm right now, it hasn't lost its mind or has Justin Beiber smoking dope in Sydney (yeah, by the way, thanks for that, Canada).  Still, she was somewhat distressed that many of her countrymen don't know a lot about the land Down Under beyond "G'Day," Olivia Newton-John, and Vegemite.


    Okay, they know a helluva lot more than that, but this is my blog and I can exaggerate.

    Anyway, she wondered how much other folks knew about their countries.  So, I thought I'd give it a try and talk a little about today, Presidents Day.  Presidents Day came about to recognize all of the United States presidents, not just those glory hogs, Washington and Lincoln.

    With that in mind, I'm going to list each president with a quick description of what he's known for. 

    I can just hear you groan, "Ohhhhhh, crap!!!!  This is going to be a long post!   I think I'll just go look at something from Dr. Heckle, instead!  You're in and out with that guy and you still have time to watch The View!"

    WARNING:  I didn't research any of the below.  In essence going without a net, some of the following will be inaccurate.  I also know a lot more about some of the guys than what I write, but this will be long enough.  Plus, like I just wrote, I tend to exaggerate.  All complaints may be directed to my history teachers in Stratford and Wallingford, Connecticut.  Some whom were nuns.  So you may not want to pick a fight with them.  Nuns are bad-ass.
"Betcher ass.
Amen."
1.  George Washington: Father of Our Country (how'd you like that child support?).
"I hate you and I hate you.
And I especially hate Jefferson.
And not just because he likes the French.
Although there is that."
2.  John Adams:  Cranky pants.
3.  Thomas Jefferson:  Wrote "all men are created equal."  Owned slaves.  Yeah.  
4.  James Madison:  War of 1812.
5.  James Monroe: Confused with James Madison.

    NOTE:  This is where I confuse the exact order of who was who.  I'll do the best I can.  So, don't send hate mail.  Like I said, I'm not looking these dudes up.



Shoulda wore a hat.
Frikkin' showoff.

*John Quincy Adams:  John Adams son.
*Andrew Jackson:  Screwed Indians.  And not in a good way.
*William Henry Harrison:  Died after catching a cold at his inauguration.
*John Tyler:  "I know.  Idiot."  
*Zachary Taylor:  Only president whose first name started with "Z."
*Martin Van Buren:  Inspired "Van Buren Boys" on Seinfeld.
*Millard Fillmore:  Uh....
*James Polk:  Jumped ugly with Mexico.  Who's still peeved over losing Hollywood, ese.

    NOTE:  Back to exact order (I hope)....

14.  Franklin Pierce:  Uh......
15.  James Buchanan:  Only president from Pennsylvania.
16.  Abraham Lincoln:  Shoulda ducked.
17.  Andrew Johnson:  1st president to be impeached.  Wouldn't be the last.
18.  Ulysses S. Grant:  I hear he drank.

     NOTE:  Okay, I've lost the exact order again...

*Benjamin Harrison:  Ended Reconstruction.  Okay, let's go with that. 
*Rutherford B. Hayes:  Uh...
*James Garfield:  Assassinated.  Named after a  cat.  Or the other
Seriously, you could swing
from those things.
way around?

*Chester Arthur:  Cool whiskers.

    NOTE:  I think I'm okay from here on out...

23.  Grover Cleveland:  Fathered a child out of wedlock.  
24.  William McKinley:  Third president to be assassinated.  Why don't these guys duck?
25.  Theodore Roosevelt:  Bully.
26.  William H. Taft:  Fattest president ever.  Take that Grover Cleveland.
2nd fattest president
Even so...
would you want to see him in a Speedo?
27.  Grover Cleveland:  Heard Taft put in a "Fat Guy" bathtub.
28.  Woodrow Wilson:  Saved the world for democracy.  Yeah, that really didn't work out all that well.
29.  Warren Harding:  Died in office.  Wouldn't matter if he ducked.
30.  Calvin Coolidge:  From Vermont before it was cool.  Wait.  Is being from Vermont cool?
31.  Herbert Hoover:  Wrong place, wrong time.  Poor bastard.  
32.  Franklin D. Roosevelt:  Elected four times.  Wife?  Not smokin'.
33.  Harry S Truman:  Middle name was S, just S.
34.  Dwight D. Eisenhower:  Golf
"S didn't stand for anything.
Isn't that veird?"
35.  John F. Kennedy:  Bagged a movie star.  Even though his wife was smokin'.
36.  Lyndon Johnson:  Didn't.  And she wasn't.
37.  Richard Nixon:  Had the decency to resign.
38.  Gerald Ford:  Oops.
39.  Jimmy Carter:  Had the decency to lose reelection.
40.  Ronald Reagan:  Puppet in Genesis music video.
Yeah, there's this, too.
41.  George H.W. Bush:  Read his lips.  No second term.
42.  William Clinton:  Bubba With a Boner.
43.  George W. Bush:  Huh?
44.  Barack Obama:  Makes Watergate, peanuts, and erections look quaint.    

    So now, in honor of President Taft, I'm going to eat everything in sight.
    
Except the Vegemite.  
I'll leave that to Jo Anne.



Thursday, February 13, 2014

Captain Caption XXX

The American King and Queen host a state dinner for President Francois Hollande of France.

"And...for dinner...we're gonna have French Fries.  No?  How 'bout
French Toast??  Hahahahahaha...psyche!  Naw, we're having German Chocolate Cake, instead.  BOOM, got you again!!  Hey, Michelle, didja get a load of the look on the little frog's face?  That's better than when I put a Whoopee cushion under Boehner's seat at the State of the Union.
Oh, and Francois...?  Two words: lifts and plugs."



Monday, February 10, 2014

Imitation is the Sincerest Form Of...

I got nothin' else.

Also starring Kevin Costner.
Who's trying to live down Waterworld
    One of the latest films to come out this depressing winter season is Jack Ryan:  Shadow Recruit (not to be confused with Richard Simmons:  Shadow Recruit).  A "reworking" of Tom Clancy's action hero, Jack Ryan (I'm guessing you got that from the title), this thriller has done pretty well at the box office, even though it has yet to recoup its $60 million production cost.  I haven't seen it (gotta catch The Lego Movie first, you know), but I plan to when I can sell a kidney to buy a ticket.

Al's Fun Fact:  Did you know that "Lego" is derived from the Danish "leg godt" which means "play well?"  Yeah.  I didn't care, either.

    But, even though I look forward to seeing it and know that I will
"I...would...rather...eat..pie.
Priceline."
enjoy it, I reflect upon how many times that Hollywood has rehashed the same characters over and over again.  Most times, I admit, they had to do it because the original actors have just gotten too old to play their original characters.  For instance, be honest, wouldn't William Shatner look ridiculous on the bridge of the USS Enterprise?  So, I'm really comfortable with Chris Pine in that role.  It makes more sense and I really like how they've taken the Star Trek franchise into a new direction.


Some are too old.
And some...are too dead.
    And, I don't think Sean Connery would be very convincing as James Bond nowadays, unless 007 meant "License to Nap."  Daniel Craig is an outstanding choice and is better than Dalton, Brosnan, or Lazenby.  And is worlds away better than Roger Moore.  Yecch.

    Even when the original characters aren't too old, often the new
I hope he can handle the truth.
He looks pretty pissed.
twist on a character is a pleasant change.  For instance, while I liked Michael Keaton as Batman, Val Kilmer and George Clooney were hideous.  What's more, I much preferred Heath Ledger as the Joker over Jack Nicholson.  So, the Dark Knight trilogy was fantastic to me.


Still, it beat the snot out of Superman IV.
PU.
    But, sometimes, a remake can be worse than its predecessor.  Or did you really like Superman Returns over Superman (or even Superman II)?

    


    All in all, though, I've liked how they've handled Clancy's Jack
"There, there, I think Affleck
will make a good Batman."
Ryan.  Each of the actors chosen to portray him have been up to the job.  I even didn't mind Ben Affleck when he took the role (NOTE:  Affleck will be playing Batman in Batman and Superman.  Uh, oh).  I actually thought that Alec Baldwin did a good job.  This was before he lost his mind, of course.


    So, Chris Pine seems to me to be a good choice to play Ryan.

    As long as he remembers he's needed on the bridge before the next Star Trek movie comes out. 

"Captain, it is illogical that Clooney would play Batman."



      

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Captain Caption XXIX

"Woman-on-top, of course.
Are you frikkin' kidding me?
Are we even looking at the same guy?"

Sunday, February 2, 2014

It's Not Just a Job


     Good morning and welcome to SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!
   
   Or, for the rest of you, welcome to Sunday morning!
    
We know what the real football is though.
So, piss off, mate!



Could be worse.  You could wake up hungover tomorrow.
Or pregnant.
  
Hey!!  It's also Groundhog Day, you know.
Six more weeks of winter for you, A-Hole.
    I'd like to take the opportunity to direct you to my second blog (yeah, I do all this and don't get paid.  Up yours, Dave Barry,  I am an artist!), It's Not Just a Job.  Formerly known as "Such a Fine Sight to See," it was a blog I started a couple years ago to document, in pictures, things which I thought funny.  It had a whopping six followers, some of whom may still be alive, but I soon grew bored with it.  Penwasser Place held my attention much more so (yeah, I'm not terribly picky).
"Hey, what'd I ever do to you, Penwasser?
Besides make 1,000 times more money
than you for making stupid jokes?
Oh, I get it now."

    
    That being the case, I decided to apply a little literary Viagra and resurrect it as the place to host the serialized version of my (please excuse the snooty, pretentious term) Work In Progress, It's Not Just a Job (you thought I  just made up the title of this post?).  Of course, I'm taking a real chance here.  It should come as no surprise who I really am.  If it is a surprise, you're either new or you weren't paying attention.
     
"So, who is it-Penwasser or Lynch??
More importantly, who's that black guy?"
By "crossing the streams," as it were, I'm taking the risk that you may get too much of me.  It would be a virtual overload, along the lines of Sylvester Stallone movies or CSI shows (New this fall:  CSI: Des Moines).  But, it's a risk I'm willing to take.  After all, the new version of "Such a Fine Sight to See" can't be any worse than the old one. 
"DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!!
I think it's a gay thing."

    
    Every week, I will be providing what I've written in an effort to satisfy the groundswell of those who are dying to read more about me.  To those, I say, you really need to get a life.
    
    I'll make each entry pretty short, which will accomplish two things.  Shorter posts tend to hold a reader's attention more.  Longwinded stories have a tendency to bore readers who are then easily distracted by...uh...oh...ooh, look, the neighbor's dog is crapping in my yard. 
   
    Wait, what was I saying?  Oh yeah.
    
    So, they'll be short.  Plus, I'll be including pictures in each post, so you'll have that going for you.
    
Pictures like this.
Okay, probably not.

    Be forewarned, though.  These are rough versions of what will hopefully be a comic masterpiece.  Or disjointed jumbles of the ramblings of a man on the back end of middle age.
    
    In any case, if you get a chance, go ahead and check it out.  The first chapter is posted right now.
    
    Or you can go back to sleep.
    
    Your call.
    
    Go Broncos.

Excuse me.  Excuse me?
Yeah, they're, uh, using your stadium.
But your team isn't playing.
You bunch of drunks.
And...who's the black guy?


NOTE: To my European, Australian, and New Zealand followers, who may not know (or give a rat's ass)...the Super Bowl is being played at the Giants/Jets home field, Met Life Stadium, between the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks.