Friday, January 31, 2014

Coincidence?

Or not?

Mr. Michelle Bachman

Chaz Bono


Frikkin' terrifying, ain't it?

Thanks for pointing that out, Steve and Pearl!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Captain Caption XXVIII





Golly, you think they're talking about the same guy?

"I dunno...ya think?  I better check."

"Well, they do call me Pee Wee."

"Sigh...if only."
"Okay, I checked.  It's this big.
As far as you know.
You may wanna talk to that Chaz fella, though.  

I don't know what that is.  
Of course, I am an idiot."

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Brush With Death

Yeah,  I know.

Now...imagine living with me.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Captain Caption XXVII

Jake, from State Farm
(or for my French friends, Le Jake du State Farm)

"Seriously, dude?
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and
you want to talk about insurance?
Oh, me?
I want to get my freak on with a little phone sex.
For instance, I'm looking for chicks
who are into assless khakis."

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Piece of Cake

NOTE:  The first four paragraphs are merely introduction.  If you're in a hurry and would like to get to the story, see below.

    I draw inspiration for the crap posts you see here from a variety of sources.  Whether from daily events, news stories, bits of lunacy from my brain, carnies, you just never know.  My point is that a post may spring from anywhere at any time.  In other words, today I may not have anything to say.  Tomorrow, I may see a man humping a fish.  You know, "man humping a fish" is kinda catchy.  Like "Jake, from State Farm."
NOTE:  This is a tease for this week's Captain Caption.  You're welcome.
    Sometimes, I draw inspiration from a comment I make on your blogs.  You'll know this is happening
I mean, it's not everyday
you see a man humping a fish.

Yes, I know I've used this picture before.  
The fact that I still have a copy of it 
probably says a lot about me.
when I leave a long comment, usually a story.  When this occurs, I say to myself, "Hey, maybe I can make that into a post all on its own."
    And not have to think of anything else.  I'm lazy that way.
    Occasionally, I'll do something similar when I write on Twitter or Facebook.  So it was a few weeks ago when I responded to a Facebook post by Sherilin, who is author of the Laughing My Abs Off  blog.  I'd leave a link, but since she hasn't written there in several months, I figured I wouldn't.  Still, she's a great FB friend (both with Al and my alter ego.  Or is that with me and my real alter ego, Al?  Crap, now I've gone and confused myself.  Plus, I may have crapped my pants).
    Sherilin was talking about a joke cake she had made/had ordered/had eaten (something-remember this was a few weeks ago and earlier Facebook posts are hard to find).  The cake had some sort of penis thing on it or smegma or erectile dysfunction...  Something like that...
    Anyway, it called to mind a story (well, what doesn't?)...

  For those who didn't bother reading the introduction, but hopefully laughed at the picture, the story begins below...

  Growing up, I had a reputation for being, shall we say,  thrifty.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was because I sloshed through a swamp to get a parking pass for the campground in Virginia Beach so I wouldn't have to pay a dollar for my own.  Or because I drove all the way through Connecticut on Route 1 so I wouldn't have to pay any tolls.  Or because all the guests to my wedding with Mrs. Penwasser #1 had to pay a dollar to attend the ceremony at the Norfolk Botanical Gardens.
Hey, it was 35 cents!
   Okay, so maybe the reputation was deserved.

    A few months after Mrs. Penwassser #1 left me to marry Dennis from HQ (a Virginia Beach Home Improvement Superstore), I moved back to Connecticut for a few months to attend college.  It ended up being a bust, but I enjoyed being with my family.
"Okay, which one of y'all said 'bust'?"
  Anyway, it was mid-September and I volunteered to buy an ice
It wasn't a Cookie Puss cake.
I just like saying cookie puss.
cream cake to celebrate my brother's birthday.  When I got to the Carvel in town, I ordered a cake which would serve eight people.


  When I asked the fresh-faced high school girl to write "It's a Girl!" in pink icing, she cheerfully complied.

  However, when I asked her to then mark an 'X' across it in blue icing, she looked a little confused.  But, not as confused as when I asked her to write "Happy Birthday, Phil!" in little blue letters around the ring of the cake.
NOTE:  Depiction of the first 
Mrs. Penwasser possibly exaggerated.

  When I proudly displayed the cake to my family, I explained to them that the proud parents ended up having a boy, instead.  So, I was able to get the ice cream cake for half off the marked price.



 The Moral of the Story:  Take a reputation and have fun with it.


Another Moral of the Story:  Don't complain if you have to pay admission to a wedding.   

Because ice cream cake is a dish best served cold.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Captain Caption XXVI

"Because, here at Walmart, you have our word
that your debit and credit card information
is safe from unauthorized disclosure.
Plus, you can dress like a freak."

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Coitus Interruptus-We Interrupt This Program

...to bring you a special announcement.

    As you may have gleaned from my January 3rd post (I'm not going to attach a link to it because then I'd have to find its exact wording.  Besides, you can always select "Older Post" if the mood hits you), I've been doing a lot of writing:

Facebook
Twitter
Email
Outraged Letters to the Editor
Death Threats to Dead People (I'm lazy that way) 
Just An Observation
and...
Penwasser Place

    I've also been trudging my way through my book, It's Not An Adventure.  Since I hope to have it finished before someone is forced to write it posthumously (which will probably result in a better product), I'm looking to cut down a little bit.


It's Not An Adventure  
Coming to a bookstore near you in...oh who am I kidding?
Probably never.
    Therefore, after a search of what takes up most of my time, I've settled on this blog.  As of today, I'm going to drastically cut down to only two posts a week (including Captain Caption).  I'll still read everyone's blog and will comment, but I'll be unable to write two lengthy posts in addition to the aforementioned ridiculously easy caption post.

    So you have that going for you.


"Which is nice."
    If you're unfortunate enough to follow me on Facebook and Twitter, you'll still endure enjoy my tiresome slogs witty repartee.  Or you can read Just An Observation, although it's pretty much locally oriented and doesn't have as many pictures.  Meaning, there's more of my writing.


"Oh, yeah, Mr. Smart-Ass Penwasser?
Did you see me as Joe Dirt's mom?  I killed in that role.
Plus, I grabbed my crotch while
singing the Star Soangled Banner."
    I feel at this time that I need to branch out and do something a little different.  So, like Ashton Kutcher, when he decided to break away from television for a movie career, I'm going to seek my fortune.  Oooh, that's probably a bad example.  Maybe I should have said Roseanne Barr?


    Who knows?  Maybe I can get a gig writing jokes for the Conan O'Brien Show?   
"Oh no you don't.
I suck, but I don't suck that bad!"

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Captain Caption XXV

"No, I'm totally cool with it.  After what Bill did to you, you've every right.  Besides, did you catch me with that smokin' chick at Mandela's funeral?  Yeah, I got game.  Screw Michelle!  I can...hey, HEY!!!!  NO TONGUES, BITCH!!!!"  

Friday, January 3, 2014

To Tweet Or Not To Tweet

   
You can follow me @AlPenwasser. 
If you want. 
And you're a glutton for punishment.

    I have a Twitter account. 
   
    I also have two Facebook profiles, one for my alter ego and one for me.  I think you can figure out who my alter ego is (you're talking to him).
   
    What's more, I have two email accounts.  Both are for the real me.  No, I have no idea why.  Okay, I know why.  They were FREE.  Come to think of it, Facebook is free, too, and I can't explain that.

    As if that's not enough,  I have two blogs.  You're reading one.  Uh, Penwasser Place...?  My other blog is Just An Observation, a weekly verbal blather for the Philadelphia news organization.  It's like Penwasser Place.  Only with fewer pictures.  And fewer uses of the term "frikkin'."  And not a single picture of me sitting on a toilet.  Because I'm classy, yo.  Bitches.

    Oh, Just An Observation  also uses my real name, not my alter ego.
Ken Lynch is Al Penwasser?  What the hell? 
You mean now I have to tell people I'm Batman? 
Well, you all can piss off.
No, I'm Batman. 
You English punk.
And who the hell is Al Penwasser?

    Not only that, I'm writing a book.  Which I hope to finish before they're speaking of me in the past tense.

    Yes, I have issues.

    What I'm trying to say is that I do a lot of writing.  Some of it is good and some of it...oh, who am I kidding?  Most of it is crap, but since I'm not getting paid for any of this, screw it.  There is a chance of me getting paid for my book, but I'd have a better chance of seeing Jesus in a nudie bar than spearing that white whale.

  
I Googled  "Jesus At a Nudie Bar"
See?  You can find anything on the Internet.
And you thought he was just on windshields.

    So, what's my point?  Oh, yeah.  Twitter.

    Why do I have a Twitter account?  That's easy.  I like the ease with which I can drop in this snarky little comment or that.  If you're unfortunate enough to be one on my Twitter followers, you know what I'm talking about.

    Recently, I've been more often replying (or "tweating," according to teenagers and people who live in their Mom's basements) to something on Twitter where in the past I would have put it on Blogger.  So, if you're following me here, you've missed some hilarious commentary.  Not from me, but from some pretty funny Twitter people like a guy called Steve Olivas (I don't feel like putting his link here.  Mostly because I don't know how).

    Anyway, I foresee a reduction in the time I spend here. 

    Not a lot, mind you.

    After all, Twitter only gives me 140 characters.  And, I just can't be that succinct on a regular basis.

    Which should be apparent.

 
I won't put this on Twitter, though. 
And you have my word on that.

Of course, I won't put this there, either.
Like I said.  Classy.



NOTE:  I plan on linking this to Twitter.  And to the Al Penwasser Facebook account.   Great Googli Moogli, I'm frikkin' everywhere!!  But, I draw the line at Pinterest.   But, now that I think of it...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Captain Caption XXIV

"What the fu...hey, Tubby!  That ain't a donut, ya know!"

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

MERRY NEW YEAR!




Whatever it takes.

Now get back to work!