Saturday, November 15, 2014

Mickey Al-Donovan

Inspired by Julie Kemp Pick of Empty Nest Insider.




"And then Mickey arrived home from the Great Satan Summer Camp, where he had a wonderful time chasing apostates through the woods armed only with a hatchet, paraffin-coated matches, a compass, and a Stinger missile.  But, what did he see when he walked through the door?  His father had wrapped the family's toilet all in shag carpet, that most Zionist of floor carvings!  Mickey had no choice but to remove his father's head with the electric knife that the family used to carve turkeys-never ham!-or to take care of that annoying Gold couple across the street.  His mother protested, but she was just a woman, so Mickey cut off her fingers.  Then, when he was done, he sent a video copy to the local NBC affiliate.   After he was finished, Mickey still had to go to the bathroom, but there was no toilet paper!  So, what did he do?  Yes, he pooped in the bathtub and used his left hand to wipe.  
And they lived happily ever after.  
Now, what do we say at the end of every story-time?  
That's right!  
Death to America!"

NOTE:  While purporting to be an excerpt from that great American novel, Shag Carpet Toilet, it is nothing of the kind.  Even thought Mickey did go to summer camp.  And the first room he visited was the bathroom.  And his father did wrap the toilet in shag carpet.  And the Golds did run a store across the street.  And, for all I know, the Donovans did own an electric carving knife.  Still, if you want to find out just how close to accurate this is, you can get your copy at amazon.com (or on the bottom of bird cages).  Tell 'em Julie sent you.

18 comments:

  1. I will tell them Julie sent me.
    Was it the Golds or the Goldbergs?

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    Replies
    1. It was the Golds.
      And, yes, they were! :-)

      Delete
  2. I thought this was a home improvement site: I'm only here to learn how to cover my toilet in shag carpet!

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    Replies
    1. Since you didn't ask...
      He used some of that construction-grade adhesive to apply the rug to the porcelain.
      Yeah, he was THAT classy.

      Delete
  3. Moral of the story, shag carpet is bad?

    How goes your second book anyway, haven't heard much on that lately.

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    Replies
    1. The second book is done! I'm just waiting until the first of December to see if any of the "traditional' publishers pick up "It's Not Just a Job." If not, then I go the self-publish route.
      I'm slogging through the sequel, "It's An Adventure," at this time.
      Yeah, shag carpet is bad on the knees if you're having s...well, it's bad on the knees.

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  4. Well, at least he was nice to his mother. Now that's a bedtime story! I'm honored to be considered to be the inspiration for this masterpiece. Did I mention that this is not my real name, and I've never been an empty nester? Oh, and I happen to live on a pitbull farm. This could've happened in Shag Carpet Toilet, if Mickey didn't have the heart of a Goldberg. Thanks my funny friend!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be a hoot to write the entire story again with a different viewpoint.
      Nawwww.....I'm still working on part two of a three part series.
      Maybe in 2016....

      Delete
  5. Hah, I KNEW where it was from. Were the bodies taken to the swamp to be used in catching eels and snapping turtles?

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    Replies
    1. But, of course. Infidel bait is the best kind of bait.

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  6. They look like they're reading instructions for something. How to cook a goose's ass, maybe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe how to bugger a goose's ass.
      But, definitely not how to cook a ham dinner.

      Delete
  7. After seeing your comment on Julie's blog, I had to hop over here to read your post. Hilarious! Now, I have no choice but to buy your book. (Damn you! Good thing I can get the e-version. We have so many books around here as it is, I'm pretty sure our house is sinking.) I'[m looking forward to reading it.

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    1. I really hope you like it. I have another one coming up next month about my first year in the Navy. At this time I'm working on a second book which will cover my first ship in the Navy.
      In case you were wondering, none of these is serious.
      But, I bet you weren't wondering that.

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    2. Seriously? Um, no, I wasn't thinking that at all.

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  8. Both funny and sad at the same time. I think somebody said "Gallows humor is the best humor." Or maybe nobody said it...

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    Replies
    1. I'll bet it wasn't the guy on his way to the gallows.
      Probably saw nothing funny in that.

      Delete