"And then Mickey arrived home from the Great Satan Summer Camp, where he had a wonderful time chasing apostates through the woods armed only with a hatchet, paraffin-coated matches, a compass, and a Stinger missile. But, what did he see when he walked through the door? His father had wrapped the family's toilet all in shag carpet, that most Zionist of floor carvings! Mickey had no choice but to remove his father's head with the electric knife that the family used to carve turkeys-never ham!-or to take care of that annoying Gold couple across the street. His mother protested, but she was just a woman, so Mickey cut off her fingers. Then, when he was done, he sent a video copy to the local NBC affiliate. After he was finished, Mickey still had to go to the bathroom, but there was no toilet paper! So, what did he do? Yes, he pooped in the bathtub and used his left hand to wipe.
And they lived happily ever after.
Now, what do we say at the end of every story-time?
Death to America!"
NOTE: While purporting to be an excerpt from that great American novel, Shag Carpet Toilet, it is nothing of the kind. Even thought Mickey did go to summer camp. And the first room he visited was the bathroom. And his father did wrap the toilet in shag carpet. And the Golds did run a store across the street. And, for all I know, the Donovans did own an electric carving knife. Still, if you want to find out just how close to accurate this is, you can get your copy at amazon.com (or on the bottom of bird cages). Tell 'em Julie sent you.