Sunday, October 12, 2014

Goodbye Columbus - A...SIGH...Repost

The following is a repost from last year which was a repost from the previous year.  Which was probably a repost from the year before.  Anyway, like I've said in previous bouts of laziness, holidays (or Columbus Day which is kinda like a holiday.  Like Flag Day) are perfect excuses for reruns.  If you don't believe me, how many times have you seen A Charlie Brown Christmas?  That thing is almost as old as I am. 
Plus, I'm watching the baseball playoffs.   
Seriously, who needs baseball to put you to sleep when you can drink heavily?

So, without further adieu, may I present the tale of the first, but certainly not last, despoiler of the Americas. 

My hair is such a frikkin' mess-thank God this goofy hat covers it.  We didn't have the Hair Cuttery in the 15th Century, ya know.  But we had the plague and the Inquisition.
Of course, you have Ebola and Charlie Sheen, so I'd call us even.

     I love October.  

    The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts warn of the coming winter. 

    October also lets us celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).

"I said 'Sit the F down!"
    In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.

     So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of bed linen (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they only had these sheets!!”).

     As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Boxing Day.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.
"Hey, I don't give a frik what the school district says.
My kids get the day off, capiche?"

NOTE From 2014 Al:  'The Sopranos' is no longer on the air.
And not just because James Gandolfini is dead.
The others may be, too.  But, who cares?

     More times than not, we hardly know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day! Too bad you hadda  work! Ha, ha, ha!”

     My family for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous. For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a nursing school.

     For some reason, though, we never did much to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"

     In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history right behind invention of “The Clapper,” might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:

Apparently, Northern Indians were more
bad ass than the ones down south

10. Slash the tires of those obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.

9. Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.

8. Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.

7. Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrateCOLUMBO Day.

6. Grab some library books, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Christopopolis.’ Draw moustaches and bucked teeth on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.

5. Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.

4. Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as 
General Tso.
The big chicken.
Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you were all hiding!”

3. Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Bastille Day.

2. With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.

1. Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.

There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank.

     But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get yourself a cannoli.

     Chris would’ve wanted it that way.

To my good friends north of the border: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! May your harvest tables be blessed with bountiful feasts and happily free of moose pies.


  1. So Columbus had a bulbous nose and a grumpy face? I suppose he was upset his ship didn't land in Florida. He could have been the most famous Italian to have visited Disneyland.

    1. Columbus' story is really quite a depressing one. The dude really got grumpy. Being arrested (during his third voyage....?) didn't help, either. That, and getting screwed by Amerigo Vespucci.
      Yeah, he SHOULD'VE gone to the Happiest Place on Earth. I hear it's Goofy.

  2. So who are you rooting for in the baseball playoffs? I am going for KC!!!!

    1. I'm a Yankees fan so....I'm getting a lot of sleep.
      Frankly, Baltimore or KC would be fine with me.
      Both teams have had a drought, that's for sure.
      But...the Royals. Talk about coming from out of nowhere.

  3. To this day I can still believe "Imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they had these sheets!" is an actual sales pitch. I think holidays really are good times for reposts which is why I just don't make holiday posts anymore except for Christmas. I've already made one and to make another would be pointless, and I don't really allow myself to do reposts. My life would be a whole lot simpler if I did.

    1. TONIGHT, I saw an ad on the TV which hawked "Columbus Day Sheets and Bedding"!
      My, my, my.
      I have Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years reposts waiting in the wings!

  4. Hilarious list, Al, I think my favorite is number 5. Columbus Day is the goofiest holiday, no? But I had time to read and comment on blogs this morning, since it's Columbus Day and I'm off. And tomorrow I'll go back to work in ... Columbus, Ohio. The irony is not lost on me.

    1. My favorite (which still makes me giggle) is the picture: "I said 'Sit the F down!'"
      I'm even giggling now.
      And the dog is looking at me funny.

  5. I think I'd much rather celebrate Columbo day.
    And I don't think the Inquisition and Charlie Sheen are on the same level. I think we're much more screwed.

  6. Oh no. Did your brother have a cigar on hand when arrested? At any rate, I bet he was popular in that jail cell.

    Happy Columbus Day, Al Penwasser.

    1. Trouble was, he couldn't find anyone to use it on.
      Columbus Day-autumn prelude to when we lose our minds during the late year spate of holidays.

  7. lol a library cop may come after you if you mess with their books. Columbo days sounds like more fun

    1. Plus, we all get to wear trench coats.

  8. It may be a repeat, but every year I find something new in this post to laugh at. But wasn't Columbus looking for India, and wouldn't that joke would be more accurate if you dressed as Columbus and walked into an "Indian" restaurant? Otherwise our Native Americans would be called Chinese, wouldn't they?

    1. Maybe even Japan, but I think he thought they all looked alike.
      And, to the Native Americans, all Europeans smelled alike.
      Bathing not being at the top of the "civilized" man's priorities, you know.

  9. I'd say in a few decades Columbus day will be called something else on a federal level. A lot of people remember his voyage like a lot of Christians recall the Noah's Ark story. The happier version, not the one with the murder and genocide.

    1. I'd say that you can find murder and genocide pretty much in a lot of places. Not that I condone the avaricious land grab which was exploration of the New World, mind you. But, I like a three-day weekend like anyone.

  10. Well what can I say other than thanks for the laugh

  11. Nothing beats a *good* rerun like this. I mean, what can I say, I've watched A Christmas Story every year since it came out, same with Shaun of the Dead. The best!

    1. Tis the season for reruns. Next up: Halloween.

  12. These are great!!! LOL. I worked for state govt. for 19 years and we always opted to go to work on Columbus Day in exchange for getting the day after Thanksgiving off. For a while they had us vote on our preference but after a while, I think they figured out none of us really cared about Columbus Day! (Except for getting a free day off--which we would have taken if it hadn't meant giving up black Friday!)

    1. I've heard of that-seems a great trade-off, if you ask me. When I was in the Navy, it was the same thing year after year: "Well, I can't say for sure we'll have the day after Thanksgiving off. But, never know."
      It never failed. If we weren't at sea (or had duty), we ALWAYS had Black Friday off.

  13. I'm all for a public holiday, whatever the excuse. And I loved Columbo (and his raincoat!).

    1. Hell, if it got me a day off from work, I'd be for Idi Amin Day.
      Okay, not really.

  14. You make every holiday fun, twisted, and a little bit scary. Thank you!