I love the last few months of the year, because like my old decorations, I get to trot out some of my old blog posts. But, you've heard this before.
Wait, wait!!! Before you say "Screw this, I'm going over to Pat Hatt's place. He's talented and never repeats himself." (NOTE: helpful link included, if so inclined. You're welcome), let me say that I've included new pictures. So, this isn't a complete rerun. Consider it a freshly polished turd, if you will (well, that was an unfortunate term).
Anyway, expect some more of these for Veterans Day, Thanksgiving (the American one. You Canadians have had yours), Christmas, and New Years. I may write something new for Kwanzaa, but who knows? I may be exhausted from all that madcap Kwanzaa celebrating.
So, please sit back and enjoy.
And then go see Pat (hey, I'm only including the link once).
|"You know, Charlie Brown, we've been around for over fifty years. |
Maybe it shouldn't be It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown anymore.
Maybe it should be Time for a Colonoscopy, Charlie Brown.
A little hair on the nut sack would be nice, too."
Halloween. What a hoot.
Yes, I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly
drenched in satanic roots and all manner of
horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals: ghosts, goblins, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, witches, blah, blah, blah.
|Wait, I already said |
witches, didn't I?
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord,
|Or Dick Cheney. |
He's kinda scary.
the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or goofy “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters;
instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as
“Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”
|Or Hugh Grant. |
Not like he's a
real guy or anything.
Oh, c’mon! I used to take my kids to Halloween celebrations and never did I perceive the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers. After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.
The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.
I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall. I even recall the costumes I wore: Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, “Criminally Insane Druggist,” and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
|The cool Green Hornet. |
Not the sucky Seth Rogen Green Hornet.
NOTE: Asian sold separately.
We knew the unwritten Halloween codes:
only go to houses with their lights on, be
on the lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, the convent only passed out mothball-flavored
Butter Rum LifeSavers, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those
too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT
|"And yer lucky ya got those, |
you cheeky little bastard!
I don't care if you are dressed
as the Green Hornet, Penwasser!
I know it's you!""
|And Mr. Mraz. |
We avoided Mr. Mraz's house.
My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal. So, from six o’clock until nine, we went knocking on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY! Keep it clean, people).
A bonus was that, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day. To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st is a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school, but you were obligated to go to church instead (i.e., hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha! Yeah, that’s a good one).
NOTE: In 2014, November 1st IS a Saturday, so basically Catholic School kids are getting screwed by Jesus. Or George Bush.
|"And that'll teach you to have parents who vote for Gore. |
Ya little mackerel snappers!"
This was the best part of having the day off because, the rest of the year, the public school kids were beating us up. Even the girls.
My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
You know why?
Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
|"Why? I'll tell you why. The little bastards melt in my hands. |
And, when I go to take a dump, those peanuts
make me into a frikkin' Gatling gun."
|"Vlad, hey, listen man, whatever you did worked |
because Penwasser didn't mention me once.
Now, if we could onl...Barack Obama. Yes, I'll hold."