Sunday, October 26, 2014

Ghosties and Ghoulies Who Extort in the Night

    It's beginning to look a lot like the reposting season!

    I love the last few months of the year, because like my old decorations, I get to trot out some of my old blog posts.  But, you've heard this before.

   Wait, wait!!!   Before you say "Screw this, I'm going over to Pat Hatt's place.  He's talented and never repeats himself."  (NOTE:  helpful link included, if so inclined.  You're welcome), let me say that I've included new pictures.  So, this isn't a complete rerun.  Consider it a freshly polished turd, if you will (well, that was an unfortunate term).

    Anyway, expect some more of these for Veterans Day, Thanksgiving (the American one.  You Canadians have had yours), Christmas, and New Years.  I may write something new for Kwanzaa, but who knows?  I may be exhausted from all that madcap Kwanzaa celebrating.
    So, please sit back and enjoy.
    And then go see Pat (hey, I'm only including the link once).  

"You know, Charlie Brown, we've been around for over fifty years.
Maybe it shouldn't be It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown anymore.
Maybe it should be Time for a Colonoscopy, Charlie Brown.

A little hair on the nut sack would be nice, too."

    Halloween.  What a hoot.

    Yes, I know, I’s a day allegedly
Wait, I already said
witches, didn't I?

drenched in satanic roots and all manner of horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals: ghosts, goblins, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, witches, blah, blah, blah.


     Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord,
Or Dick Cheney.
He's kinda scary.

the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or goofy “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.

Hand-wringing ninnies
Or Hugh Grant.
Not like he's a
real guy or anything.
prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters; instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”

   Oh, c’mon!  I used to take my kids to Halloween celebrations  and never did I perceive the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers.  After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.

    The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander.  I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.

    Halloween was a big deal when we were kids.

    I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall.  I even recall the costumes I wore:  Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, “Criminally Insane Druggist,” and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
The cool Green Hornet.
Not the sucky Seth Rogen Green Hornet.
NOTE:  Asian sold separately.
    Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on truly insane amounts of chocolate.

    We knew the unwritten Halloween codes:
"And yer lucky ya got those,
you cheeky little bastard!
I don't care if you are dressed
as the Green Hornet, Penwasser!
I know it's you!""
only go to houses with their lights on, be on the lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, the convent only passed out mothball-flavored Butter Rum LifeSavers, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT rule!). 

And Mr. Mraz.
We avoided Mr. Mraz's house.
    Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out:  apples, popcorn balls, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and packets of Equal.

    My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal.  So, from six o’clock until nine, we went knocking on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY!  Keep it clean, people).

    A bonus was that, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day.  To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st is a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school, but you were obligated to go to church instead (i.e., hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!  Yeah, that’s a good one).

NOTE:  In 2014, November 1st IS a Saturday, so basically Catholic School kids are getting screwed by Jesus.  Or George Bush.
"And that'll teach you to have parents who vote for Gore.
Ya little mackerel snappers!"
    This meant we could shove candy down our throats when we got home until we passed out, wake up, eat some Sugar Smacks, inhale more Three Musketeers, watch cartoons, and make fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.

    This was the best part of having the day off because, the rest of the year, the public school kids were beating us up.   Even the girls.

    My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?


    You know why?

    Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
"Why?  I'll tell you why.  The little bastards melt in my hands.
And, when I go to take a dump, those peanuts
make me into a frikkin' Gatling gun."

"Vlad, hey, listen man, whatever you did worked
because Penwasser didn't mention me once.
Now, if we could onl...Barack Obama.  Yes, I'll hold."


  1. The days of running wild through the neighborhoods with no parents and no restrictions on how many candy bars we consumed.
    And avoid those handing out gum. Unless it was Bubblicious or something similar.
    I have no problem with kids trick-or-treating. It's just about the candy, folks.
    And I've already visited Pat today. Crap, what do I do now...?

    1. We used to call "Bubblicious" "Cum Gum." Yeah, the junior high schooler in me still remembers...

      As to your question, Chubby Chatterbox is a good bet.

  2. I wouldn't apologize for repeats, especially when they're this entertaining. I stopped mentioning it when I post a repeat and no one seems to notice. Shit--forget I said that.

    1. You know, maybe the next time I post a repeat, I won't mention it. Just to see how many folks notice. The new pictures probably help.

  3. I haven't followed you long enough to know when a post is a re-run. I never really liked Halloween. My mom wasn't into helping with a costume, so I would have to come up with something stupid on my own. One year I collected my candy in a paper bag. I didn't realize the grass was wet. The bottom of my bag got soaked. I left a trail of candy down the street as I went home, and I didn't even notice. I might have had one or two pieces left. By the time The Hurricane was about ten, I told her I would buy her any candy she wanted if she would please not trick-or-treat.


    1. Like I said, I LOVED Halloween.
      Then, I LOVED Christmas.
      Now? Too much fuss for either.
      Give me a turkey dinner, football, and time with my family at Thanksgiving.

  4. Halloween isn't that scary anymore, you never see anyone dressed up like Vice President Cheney anymore.

    1. But, give the dude a gun and ask them to go hunting....

  5. haha thanks for the shout twice with the one link, no need for a repeat link on a repeat post.

    Pathetic the lengths some people go to find something to whine about. Promoting evil, pfffft right. If you see an ad for a movie remake, now that's promoting evil.

    1. I like to give shouts
      to the people with clout.
      For them, writing's a snap.
      For me? Just crap.

  6. Halloween used to be a big deal for kids, and now it's just a big expense. All bucks gone - no bang.

    1. It's like Christmas that way, though, isn't it?

  7. I have two go-to costumes for all costumed events - Superman and Mario

    1. I'll settle for the plumber. Never underestimate the power of fixing toilets.

  8. It's not a re-post. It's a "a freshly polished turd." Genius!
    I haven't seen this one before, but I enjoyed your Halloween reminiscing. Alas, I think this will be the first time in 17 years I won't have a kid dressed up. My son has zero interest in it this year. Too big for that, you know.

    1. I checked. I didn't repost this last year, so it hasn't appeared since 2012.
      My kids haven't trick-or-treated in years. This is probably good because, since my son is 22, he would probably get arrested (or committed) for going door to door dressed as a ninja turtle.

  9. Always good chucles over here, repost or not. I especially get a kick out of the last picture. Yeah, that Vlad is a sly one. LOL

    1. Gotta tell you, that one made me chuckle, too.

  10. You went to Catholic school? I'd like to say that explains a lot, but I'm not sure it does. Did the nuns give you candy to keep your hands well away from the sinning zone?

    1. I went to Catholic School for seven years and, no kidding, that does explain a lot.

  11. I don't do Halloween, it is not an Aussie thing well it wasn't when I was a child and as such I don't like the idea of it being an Aussie thing now days to me it is just junk food companies and such trying to make more money

    1. It's pretty commercial now. Way back when...well, you read the post.

  12. I wonder if Lucy still charges $.05 for psychiatric help.

    1. Seeing as Charlie brown remains stuck in his childhood, she overcharged.

  13. I think I can visualize you, as a kid, trick-or-treating. Now I've got that image in my head I've decided I'm not opening my door from Thursday to Sunday! Keep the little bastards out, I say!