|"Hey, you know you're right? |
A BLT without bacon would be just an LT.
But, we're still in agreement, though...? Death to America."
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I love the last few months of the year, because like my old decorations, I get to trot out some of my old blog posts. But, you've heard this before.
Wait, wait!!! Before you say "Screw this, I'm going over to Pat Hatt's place. He's talented and never repeats himself." (NOTE: helpful link included, if so inclined. You're welcome), let me say that I've included new pictures. So, this isn't a complete rerun. Consider it a freshly polished turd, if you will (well, that was an unfortunate term).
Anyway, expect some more of these for Veterans Day, Thanksgiving (the American one. You Canadians have had yours), Christmas, and New Years. I may write something new for Kwanzaa, but who knows? I may be exhausted from all that madcap Kwanzaa celebrating.
So, please sit back and enjoy.
And then go see Pat (hey, I'm only including the link once).
|"You know, Charlie Brown, we've been around for over fifty years. |
Maybe it shouldn't be It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown anymore.
Maybe it should be Time for a Colonoscopy, Charlie Brown.
A little hair on the nut sack would be nice, too."
Halloween. What a hoot.
Yes, I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly
drenched in satanic roots and all manner of
horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals: ghosts, goblins, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, witches, blah, blah, blah.
|Wait, I already said |
witches, didn't I?
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord,
|Or Dick Cheney. |
He's kinda scary.
the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or goofy “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters;
instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as
“Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”
|Or Hugh Grant. |
Not like he's a
real guy or anything.
Oh, c’mon! I used to take my kids to Halloween celebrations and never did I perceive the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers. After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.
The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.
I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall. I even recall the costumes I wore: Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, “Criminally Insane Druggist,” and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
|The cool Green Hornet. |
Not the sucky Seth Rogen Green Hornet.
NOTE: Asian sold separately.
We knew the unwritten Halloween codes:
only go to houses with their lights on, be
on the lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, the convent only passed out mothball-flavored
Butter Rum LifeSavers, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those
too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT
|"And yer lucky ya got those, |
you cheeky little bastard!
I don't care if you are dressed
as the Green Hornet, Penwasser!
I know it's you!""
|And Mr. Mraz. |
We avoided Mr. Mraz's house.
My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal. So, from six o’clock until nine, we went knocking on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY! Keep it clean, people).
A bonus was that, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day. To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st is a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school, but you were obligated to go to church instead (i.e., hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha! Yeah, that’s a good one).
NOTE: In 2014, November 1st IS a Saturday, so basically Catholic School kids are getting screwed by Jesus. Or George Bush.
|"And that'll teach you to have parents who vote for Gore. |
Ya little mackerel snappers!"
This was the best part of having the day off because, the rest of the year, the public school kids were beating us up. Even the girls.
My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
You know why?
Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
|"Why? I'll tell you why. The little bastards melt in my hands. |
And, when I go to take a dump, those peanuts
make me into a frikkin' Gatling gun."
|"Vlad, hey, listen man, whatever you did worked |
because Penwasser didn't mention me once.
Now, if we could onl...Barack Obama. Yes, I'll hold."
Thursday, October 23, 2014
|"Guys? Hey, guys? Are we going to be able to take off on time?|
I got this sweet three day all-inclusive trip to Disney World for
the family and I don...uh...this isn't the plane to Orlando, is it?
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Don't adjust your computer You're still at Penwasser Place. I know. Damn.
|Okay, well I'M sitting on a toilet. |
That's gotta count for something, huh?
I follow quite a few of you (this is probably unsettling). One of the many blogs I enjoy reading is The Chubby Chatterbox, written by the very talented Steve Hayes. Steve, a gifted artist, is also a master storyteller. So, he's two up on me. But, I can juggle. Okay, that was a lie.
A couple weeks ago, Steve penned (because, while technically accurate, "computered" sounds stupid) one of his many engaging posts. Titled Small World, it related a story when he and Mrs. Chatterbox traveled to Polynesia (NOTE: Polynesia has nothing to do with parrots).
Even though my story doesn't have near the "cool factor" as his, I also have a small world story and I mentioned this in the comments. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I should share this with you, my faithful followers and all you hackers in Eastern Europe.
Well, that and I really have nothing else to write about.
Some of my most favorite trips when I served in the Navy were those to Belize.
Belize is a country in Central America formerly known as British Honduras. I've written a post somewhere along the way which tells all about the country, but I won't go into that here. That's not really the point of this. Besides, my two fingers are already sore from typing and I haven't gotten to the "small world" part yet.
Anyway, when we were off shift, we'd travel around the
These jaguars don't scare nobody.
We also took a trip to the Belize National Forest which was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It had a nature trail, but we avoided it mostly because Belize had nature which could actually kill you (NOTE: the zoo didn't catch all the jaguars, you know).
|The Belize Blue Hole|
The one off the coast.
Where rich people go.
We didn't go to this one.
A few other people were swimming in the water when we got
|The other Blue Hole. |
In the Blue Hole National Park.
Where poor people go.
And thirsty jaguars.
I smiled back and said, "Not where I am."
Well, wouldn't you know it, they all shrieked and immediately got out of the water.
Silly Belizeans. Didn't they know that blue dye doesn't work at a place called "The Blue Hole?"
EPILOGUE: Come on, how many of you clicked on that link above? You really should. Or at least read some of Steve's other works (now, if THAT doesn't sound pretentious). You owe it to yourself. Plus, if you do, I'll send you that mud and monkey skull statue I still have. Thing's starting to give me the creeps.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
|"Kerry? Really? You had to put me next to Herman Munster?|
At least Biden would say something stupid to make me laugh.
By the way, who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?
Anyone see Clinton? Bill always knows this sort of thing."
Sunday, October 12, 2014
I love October.
The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts warn of the coming winter.
October also lets us celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).
|"I said 'Sit the F down!"|
In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.
So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of bed linen (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they only had these sheets!!”).
As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Boxing Day. It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.
|"Hey, I don't give a frik what the school district says. |
My kids get the day off, capiche?"
NOTE From 2014 Al: 'The Sopranos' is no longer on the air.
And not just because James Gandolfini is dead.
The others may be, too. But, who cares?
More times than not, we hardly know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day! Too bad you hadda work! Ha, ha, ha!”
My family for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous. For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a nursing school.
For some reason, though, we never did much to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"
In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history right behind invention of “The Clapper,” might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:
|Apparently, Northern Indians were more|
bad ass than the ones down south
10. Slash the tires of those obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.
9. Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.
8. Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.
7. Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrateCOLUMBO Day.
6. Grab some library books, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Christopopolis.’ Draw moustaches and bucked teeth on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.
5. Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.
4. Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as
Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you were all hiding!”
The big chicken.
3. Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Bastille Day.
2. With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.
1. Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.
There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank.
But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get yourself a cannoli.
Chris would’ve wanted it that way.
To my good friends north of the border: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! May your harvest tables be blessed with bountiful feasts and happily free of moose pies.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
When I read about the White House Keystone Kops' response to the Undocumented Intruder who crashed the gate, this was the first thing I thought of.
Apparently, life imitates Hollywood.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
|"Are you sure the 3-D glasses go on this way? |
I really want to see Godzilla eff up California.
Pffft!!! Amateur frikkin' lizard!"
NOTE: For those of you who do not know who this is, this is a picture of Jerry Brown, governor of California. To his detractors, he's known as "Governor Moonbeam." And that will probably tell you everything you need to know.