Monday, March 24, 2014

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

Well, kinda....
I'm not being chased by Nazis, at least.
As far as I know.
    I've lately come to an epiphany.  

    As I told you a few weeks ago,
Wrong kind of epiphany.
But thanks for reading.
I've been quite busy trying to finish my book, It's Not Just A Job.  Sure to be every bit as successful as Shag Carpet Toilet (now ranked #1, 366, 063 on Amazon!  GET YOURS NOW!), it takes up a lot of time.  Which it should if I don't want it to be as sucky as the toilet book.  Or God help me, The Knothead Twins and the Mystery of the Ghost Crabs, which is ranked even worse (and this is why I have a day job).
   I'm also writing a community blog for my local newspaper, which nets me as much money as a toilet and crabs.
Sadly, you'll never learn the story of this.
Until the book comes out.
In 2017.
And we may all be dead by then.
Me?  Probably.
  So, even though it's been great fun, I've decided to close up shop here at Penwasser Place for a while.  In addition, I'm also going to stop the It's Not Just a Job blog, as well, for the same reason.  There, quite frankly, hasn't been the readership (outside Russia, anyway, which scares the crap outta me) I would have liked.  After this Sunday, there won't be any more chapters blathering on about what I did in the Navy.

    You'll have to wait for the movie.

    Don't hold your breath.

    I'll still be reading your blogs and dropping by to visit.  Plus, I'll still be putting my two cents in on Twitter and you can always find me on Facebook.

    Plus, if something strikes me as funny, I'll post it, a la Captain Caption.  I mean, it's not like I'm deactivating Penwasser Place completely.  I'm just going to neglect it.  Like Lindsay's dad.

"No more pictures of Chaz Bono!!??"
    I just need to free up some time while I plunk away on what is turning into something huge (that's what she sa...see? I can't help it).

    So, until you see me pop up in your comments (that sounds faintly dirty), I'll be signing off.

    It's been a great ride!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Captain Caption XXXV

"Ya know, I think you're enjoying this a little too much, Claude.  Next time I get to ride on the bottom."

Did someone say 'bottom'?"

Monday, March 17, 2014

Practical Joke

    Sometime last week, I read someone's blog that asked what was the best practical joke we had ever played on someone.  I can't remember whose it was, though.  Hey, give me a break.  I was in Florida last week.  And I'm old.  And stupid.

  It sounds like something that Keith,  the Optimistic Existentialist, would ask.  He's pretty smart and introspective that way.  Whenever I want to feel like a moron I visit his blog.  Or pretty much anyplace but here.

  But, I visited Musings of an Unapologetic Dreamer and couldn't find it.  So, I'm probably wrong.  Maybe I saw it on someone else's blog.  Or on Twitter.  Oh, hell, I can't remember.  Like I said, I can be stupid.

  Anyway, since I had planned on writing about it here, I'll go right ahead.

  For those of you who have been paying attention, you know I was in the U.S. Navy for a few years while I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life 

NOTE: Nine years after retirement, I still haven't figured it out.
Even though it had wings, it was a boy horse.
We checked.

 One of my commands was Patrol Squadron Eleven,  which flew the P-3C Antisubmarine Warfare turboprop aircraft.  I was assigned as an aircrewman to operate acoustic sensor systems onboard the aircraft to search for (primarily) Soviet submarines.  I also got airsick, but that's another story.

"Da, we be for freezings
with the asses off here."
  From November 1988 until May 1989, we deployed to Keflavik, Iceland, one of the farthest northern American bases (in another country-we're like neighbors who never leave your house that way).  Our job was to (surprise) keep an eye on the (then) Soviet submarines which at the time routinely conducted operations from even farther north.

Historical Note:  As you may or may not know, the U.S. closed up shop in Iceland almost ten years
Besides, the Russians were our friends.
Yeah, not so much. 
ago.  There was a war going on elsewhere and it was felt that the millions of dollars spent in the post-Cold War would be better spent in what were sure to be wildly successful adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Yeah, not so much.

  Okay, I'm depressed now.  

  Still...on with the joke.  

  One of the aircraft systems (aka "MAD-Magnetic Anomaly Detector") used to find submarines exploits the fact that metal submarines (the Polish Navy's experiment with submarines made of Velveeta having gone horribly awry), distort the Earth's magnetic field.  The magnetic sensor installed in a long probe at the rear of the aircraft (we called this the "hemorrhoid."  Okay, I called this the "hemorrhoid."  I don't think anyone else did) detected these distortions.

I gotta take a wicked crap!!"
Seemingly unrelated...the P-3 had no onboard lavatorial facilities.  Well, no flushing lavatorial facilities, anyway.  What we did have was a metal bucket (aka "Honey Bucket") that could be used if you really needed to void your bowels (Scientific Term:  Make "boom-boom").  Nobody ever used it, though, because if they did, it would make the entire cabin smell like...uh...shit. 

  There was also a urinal (aka "The Pisser."  Yeah, we didn't use a whole lot of imagination there) that could be used to take a...uh...piss (I would think the term "pisser" gave it away).  Back in the 80s they were made of metal.  I think today they're made of heavy duty plastic (damn well better be heavy duty!).

  One day (and this is where the magnetic sensor comes in), we managed to talk our most junior pilot into taking the Pisser outside the aircraft and wave it under the MAD boom.  That way, the MAD system would detect subtle changes in the Earth's magnetic field and, thus, calibrate our system.

  Nobody would have believed that anyone would be that gullible (I know I wouldn't), but thankfully he was and someone took his picture.
And we won the Cold War.
Yeah, huh?
  Thankfully, that particular pilot was not particularly bright and so got out of the Navy.  Luckily before he killed anyone or took a dump while inflight.  He then went on to get a job in....oh, I was going to write a terribly tasteless joke here involving [insert any government agency here], but I'll let it pass.

  Besides, I think I need to use my home's honey bucket.

  Which flushes, by the way.


Thursday, March 13, 2014

Captain Caption XXXIV

"And now...with Obamacare....

you don't just get one....

you get TWO prostate checks!

Except brain hurts."

Sunday, March 9, 2014

At the End of the Day

I always wondered what happened.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Captain Caption XXXIII

Canadian Canada Geese

Punks of the Bird World

"Hey!  What the f**k you think you're lookin' at!?
I am sooo gonna crap on your sidewalk.
Then, peck you in the balls."

Monday, March 3, 2014

A to Z Challenge 2014

    Time has a way of getting away from us.  Before you know it, you're getting to bed before your kids, you've actually been heard saying "back in my day," and you get winded from farting.

    And another A To Z Challenge is upon us.

    The brainchild of Arlee Bird from Tossing It Out, the A to Z Challenge challenges (oh that explains the title) us to write a blog every day using a letter from the alphabet.  Since there's only 26 letters (I checked) that gives us a chance to take some time off.  Imagine if there were thirty letters in the alphabet.  Or we were using the Chinese alphabet.  Hoo boy!

Yeah, this ended in quite a surprise.

    Smart people start writing their posts now and set them on Delayed Post to pop on the appropriate day.  That way, they can spend the month just reading and commenting.  Many people also adopt a theme.  Last year, for example, I chose History, while I've seen some themes using cartoon characters.  Or sexy cartoon characters.  I won't judge.

  Or people are encouraged to "wing it."  This is pretty neat, too.

  I've participated in the challenge the past three years.  I've very much enjoyed the challenge (there's that word again) and gained some new followers in the process.  This is a big selling point to me, because navigating around Blogger can be daunting.  It's great to have a little assistance.  You comment on my blog, I comment on yours.  As I've said before, this is what I call the "literary reach-around."

  NOTE:  This is a ribald double entendre, if you didn't catch my drift.  If you want to find out what I'm talking about, feel free to Google it.  I won't take responsibility for what shows up on your computer, though.  But, it involves Woody from Toy Story.  I've said enough.

  I've had a great time with it.

  But, I've decided to not participate this year.  As I told you at the
Including a little soft-shoe from Rome
beginning of the year, I'm devoting more time writing my book, It's Not Just a Job.  My goal is to have the thing done by the end of the year.  Then, I'll see what I can do about publishing it.  Or I may go the self-publishing route.

  At some point, I'll probably stop serializing it (there's a long way to go, though) especially as I get closer to finishing the draft, but for now I want to go at it full strength (of course, some of you may be asking, "So why the hell aren't you working on it now?"  To that, I answer, "Well, I don't want to close Penwasser Place, you know.  You're welcome.")

  NOTE:  I've been serializing my book using my real name  (trust me, it's tough to keep track who the frik I am nowadays) one small chapter each Sunday.  Feel free to check it out.  Or not.

Maybe I'll repost the story about Vlad the Impaler.
I figure that would be pretty appropriate
 given what's happening in the world.
But, I don't have the time to devote to providing you with worthless pieces of drivel  wry, comedic commentary on the vagaries of day-to-day life.  I feel badly about this, but I feel it's best.  I'll probably be posting some of my alphabet soup entries from years past (so you have that going for you), though.

I may even post my favorite one about Xerxes.
He was a lot like Vlad.
With more body piercings.
  Please hold your applause.

  And sign up for the A to Z Challenge yourselves.  You'll be glad you did.