Monday, February 24, 2014

Millard Fillmore

"Well, sure, but the batsuit has nipples.
That's gotta count for something."
    In my homage to Presidents Day last week (even though it was last Monday, there were still Presidents Day car sales on TV this weekend starring Washington and Lincoln impersonators...at least I hope they weren't actually George and Abe.  If so, they looked great), Gorilla Bananas of the japing ape commented that he didn't know that Millard Fillmore was an actual president.



NOTE:  If you haven't done so, please visit Gorilla.  His blog is pretty funny and is a wry take on the human condition.  Plus, he sometimes posts topless pictures.  Of ladies.  Except this week.  He has a picture of George Clooney.  NOT topless.  Thank goodness.

    Gorilla is a British gorilla so I'm extremely impressed that he knew even that much.  In fact, most non-Americans know more about American history than Americans do.  Like Grant is buried in Grant's tomb, buffalos don't actually have wings, soccer is football, and shag isn't a floor covering.

"Quite."
  Anyway, I did a little research into our good dead friend Millard.  And, by little, I just looked in my old high school history book, which only went up to the Vietnam War.


    So, how'd that all turn out, anyway?


I don't know, Al.
You tell me.
    I didn't take notes (because that would be work).  Instead, I've just written down what I remembered.  I hope that's enough.  If it's not, go check out George Clooney on the japing ape.

NOTE:  I've included the link twice.  So, you damn well better visit.

Millard Fillmore
13th President of the United States
July 9, 1850-March 4, 1850

    While the number '13'  is considered unlucky, Millard was Zachary Taylor's vice-president.  Taylor died of a stomach-ache in 1850, thus propelling Fillmore into the presidency.  

    So, I maintain that  '12'  is actually unlucky.

Political Party:  Millard Fillmore was the last Whig president.  Like George W. Bush will be the last Republican president.  

Birthplace (February 7, 1800):  Cayuga County, New York, in the Finger Lakes region.  This sounds dirty.

Or uncomfortable
Deathplace (March 7, 1874):  Where he died.  Just kidding.  He actually died in Buffalo, New York.  Which should more technically called Bison, New York.  Because there aren't any buffalos in the United States (except Oprah).  Winged or otherwise.   Since he died after the Civil War, he knew who actually won (which is more than Zachary Taylor could say).

Notable Accomplishment:  Punchline for countless jokes.  Until Jimmy Carter came along.

Other accomplishments:  Supported the Compromise of 1850 which, among other things, granted statehood to California, told Texas to take their mitts off the New Mexico Territory, ordered the US Navy to make Japan more receptive to Western trade (which had to have hacked the Japanese off), approved the Fugitive Slave Act, and basically pissed everyone off (see Civil War).  Because of this, the Whigs booted him from their party, intent on remaining relevant in the mid-19th Century (Abraham Lincoln:  "Psyche.").

   
"Knuckles, Mr. Fillmore.
Knuckles!"
Fillmore then joined the notorious Anti-Catholic "Know-Nothing" Party (see George W. Bush.  I'm sorry, fellow conservatives.  It was just too easy).







Franklin Pierce
"Okay, so I sucked.
But, I'm no James Buchanan.
Or Jimmy Carter."
   He lost the Election of 1852 to Franklin Pierce (I know...who??) which was personally upsetting to be sure.  But, at least he got out of town before his successors stunk up the joint (see also James Buchanan).

    




Millard Fillmore:  13th President of the United States, Proponent of the Compromise of 1850, namesake for a duck.

"That's mallard, dumbass!"
Tell Gorilla I said hi.


34 comments:

  1. I feel I learned a lot today!

    "Millard Fillmore was the last Whig president. Like George W. Bush will be the last Republican president" - LOL hilarious. And true most likely.

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    1. While I'm a conservative, I like to think of myself as a comedian first (an UNPAID one). So, I thought that was a funny line. And probably true.

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  2. Well that was an enjoyable history lesson, you forgot Canadian bacon though, we know that is just an American thing. Finger lakes does sound dirty

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    1. My first draft had you (AND Canadian bacon) mentioned, as well. Funny... this weekend, after the hockey game between the US and Canada, a couple people on Facebook mentioned that "we should just invade Canada. It'll only take 15 minutes." I reminded them that that didn't work out so swell the last two time Americans tried it.

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  3. I think part of me would be happier of America had actually been ruled by a duck. I wouldn't rule it out though. I just hope President Duck doesn't die in an assassination and cause lots of "too soon" jokes about picking up the bill he left behind. God speed president Duck.

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  4. "Young and fierce was Franklin Pierce, the man without a chin..."

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    1. That was in that animaniacs song I sent you the link for last time. My son always brings that line up, even years later.

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  5. Ok so I looked at George ... the not topless. The only man I like to see topless is Putin. I don't follow George as a celeb but I just had a thought as I read he thinks he's too old. Do you think he schmoozes the left because he wants to be another Reagan? Not because Reagan was a conserative but his acting career proved good publicity for him being president. Just a thought wondering why he has his finger in every liberal pie. (Is that like the lakes?)

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    1. You beat me to the double entendre. Well played.

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  6. Millard looked distinguished. Did the Whigs wear wigs, or is that natural gray?

    Gorilla's one silly ape.

    xoRobyn

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    1. I think by that time, blokes wore their own hair.

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  7. Now I remember where I heard his name before. There's a district of San Francisco named after him and here's the proof (copied-and pasted from wikiquote):

    Mayor: I don't want any more trouble like you had last year in the Fillmore District. Understand? That's my policy.

    Insp. Harry Callahan: Yeah, well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard; that's my policy.

    Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?

    Insp. Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross.

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  8. Hey, there's loads of stuff about me in this post. Am I as important as the 13th president of the United States? I'm beginning to believe it. Thanks for mentioning the pictures of topless ladies, but there aren't as many as some of your readers might be hoping. I have mastered a style of writing which makes you think you've see more boobies than you actually have. It's similar to hypnotic suggestion.

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    1. Maybe I can use that trick in the bathroom...?

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  9. Fillmore and Franklin Pierce are certainly part of the mediocre presidents club.

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    1. They were no Chester Arthur. No, wait. Maybe they were.

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  10. Ahhh the great compromise of 1850. Back then we at least agreed neither side should win completely. Now our president just gives it away.
    "We don't need it all and if we do we can print more!"

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    1. But, even given that premise (I personally think a century of "FUs!" finally ended with people killing each other meaning the Compromise of 1850, Missouri Compromise, et all were just bandaids)...if today is worse (and I think it is), what will be the outcome?
      Oh boy.

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    2. So no confusion...I agree with you.

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  11. You might think that the number 13 is unlucky, but I'd lean more on the history of number 23. There's too much weirdness surrounding that number to ignore, and strangely enough I feel comfortable knowing that there's weirdness like that out there in the world...

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    1. I will look into that. I know I was 23 and married to Mrs. Penwasser #1, so there's that.

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  12. You really made me laugh with this one. My high school history book ended with the Korean Conflict. Vietnam? What's that? We didn't talk about it in history class. I shall do as you ask and visit George.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Reminds of an old Simpsons cartoon. At the bell for the beginning of summer vacation, the kids all rush screaming from school, they're so happy. Their teacher follows after them, shouting, "Wait! Wait! We didn't finish World War II!" They all stop, turn, and stare at him. He pauses for a minute, then says, "We won!"

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    2. That's great. When someone would bring up the war, my dad always said, We won. It was in all the papers.

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    3. It also reminds me of what I would tell people about the Civil War: "A lot of people died, the blue team won."
      Yes, in poor taste, but I'm pretty consistent that way.

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  13. You're a mine of information, Al. I wish you had been my history teacher - maybe then I wouldn't have slept through the lesson.

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    1. Like I think I said before, I wanted to be a history teacher. Instead, I got a Navy career. I wouldn't have changed a thing, though. At least I can write history here.
      And post pictures of Batman with a nipple suit.

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  14. Ok I will go over to the Japing Ape because you said to, because I do what I am told, sometimes when I feel like it or when someone is pointing a gun at me..................lol Oh yeah I have never heard of Millard Fillmore

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    1. I even saw him on Yahoo today. Apparently, Alec Baldwin is his lookalike (or some other such silly Yahoo crap).

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  15. He reminds me more of the wealthy husband on Soap who later cruised aboard the Love Boat. Thanks for the fun facts. Now I'm off to see a certain Gorilla.

    Julie

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    1. Especially since he had Charo as "Secretary of Koochi Koochi."

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