Saturday, November 30, 2013

Nothing Says the Holidays...

Quite like women getting into a Black Friday stun gun fight at a Philadelphia mall.



Ahhh.....it's the most wonderful time of the year!

Merry Christmas everyone from the City of Brotherly Love to you!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

It's the Gift Which Keeps On Giving

NOTE WHICH BASICALLY SAYS WHAT THE NOTE BELOW SAYS:  As threatened promised, the following is a repost.  Since quite a few of you read this last year (or, God help you, a version the year before that), it's a warmed-over Thanksgiving leftover.  But, since sometime leftovers are quite good, this may also be worthwhile.  It's not, though.  May I interest you in one of the many fine blogs I follow to keep you entertained while I foist another rerun on you?  I could write in the links to those blogs, but if I'm too lazy to write something new, what makes you think I'm going to write blog titles in?  I'd give you suggestions, but I'd probably forget someone.  And who needs someone from New Jersey, Canada, or Australia to come punch me in the nose.  Although, since it's summer down under, they'd be crazy to leave the warmth.
Anyway, do what you can.  Try to enjoy.  Christmas reruns are coming.

**********

Be Thankful You're Not Having Eel Pies (Take Three)



NOTE:  This is a repost.  But, it's a repost with a few new pictures.  And maybe a couple new jokes.  Basically, it's a warmed over Thanksgiving feast.  If you haven't read it already, it's new to you.  If you have read it, I hope you like the new stuff.  If you've read it already, but can't remember that you did, congratulations.  The Republican Party has a spot for you.

       Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

NOTE FROM 2013:  This is true.  Although Bastille Day gives it a run for its money.

    It’s the first of the year-end celebrations, the others being Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. And, by New Years, I mean New Years Eve.  January 1st is really only meant for watching college football and making resolutions to not act like a jackass at the next New Years Eve party.

NOTE FROM 2013:  Occurring as it does on the Jewish date 25 Kislev (yeah, I know.  
The whacky calendar doesn't even list Easter), Hanukkah 2013 begins on November 27th and ends on December 5th.  From a Jewish person's perspective, this is swell timing
Go ahead.
Party like it's 25 Kislev.
because they can have two holidays at once.  They won't have to worry about Christmas horning in on their action.  Some folks call it 'Thanksgivukkah' or some one such nonsense.  Like 'Brangelina.'  Apparently, the next time the Festival of Lights happens around Thanksgiving will be in something like 77,000 years.  Which will give people plenty of time to reserve the local legion hall for Naked Dreidel.  Or something like that.


    It’s really the 4th Thursday of November which gets the festivities rolling (hey, it’s easier than trying to figure out when the frik Easter is).

    After all, what evokes the holiday spirit more than getting trampled at Wal-Mart by frenzied harpies in bathrobes and curlers on Black Friday?

NOTE FROM 2013:  Or, now, Thanksgiving Night, with drunken harpies in curlers.

Thanksgiving was proclaimed a federal holiday
in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln.
Not surprisingly, the Confederacy said,
"Ya'll can take your Yankee Holiday and shove it."
Which was a shame. Because they
were supposed to bring the sweet potato souffle.
    As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to appreciate how special Thanksgiving is.  A more sober occasion than the frenetic zaniness of the Yuletide season, at Thanksgiving we gather just to be together, not because we hope to score the latest electronic gizmo.

    Oh, sure, even though there are parades, football games, and enough food to sink the Mayflower, Thanksgiving is thankfully (pardon the pun) devoid of the commercialism of Christmas and the bacchanalian excess of New Year’s Eve.  Or, if you were paying attention, whatever it is they do on Hanukkah.

On December 26, 1941, signed a resolution
switching Thanksgiving
from the last Thursday in November to the fourth.
"Hey, get off my ass, it's all I had time to do.
There's a frikkin' war going on, you know."
    Gratefully, we aren’t bombarded by wall-to-wall advertisements to get our loved ones (or our families) the very latest in techno wizardry (“Because, if you REALLY loved Mom, you’d buy her a Kindle Fire!”) in the run-up to Thanksgiving. Plus, there’s no such thing as a “24-Hour Thanksgiving Music Station” or a “Randolph the Hair-Lipped Turkey” special on the Hallmark channel.
Oh, forgot about this one.
No wonder.
It sucked.

    No, it’s a calming prelude to the mania which paralyzes every December.  It’s a time to appreciate what we’ve been given.

    As the day draws nearer, I think back to that very first day of thanks held almost four hundred years ago...

    The brightly colored leaves swirling madly amongst the trees, a chill autumn wind blowing briskly over freshly-harvested fields, and the forest animals bustling crazily about in preparation for winter.

"Hey, does anyone else
have to pee after that long ass boat ride?"
    And nobody fighting over the remote.

    So it was in 1621 that Governor Bradford of Plymouth Colony thought it was high time to celebrate a day of thanksgiving.

"I know.  Whaddya say we have a harvest feast right here?"
"Outside!?   You do know this is Massachusetts, don't you?"
"Hey, we can stay warm by burning a witch or two."
    Frantically scurrying to find a suitable venue at which to hold their celebration, the Pilgrim Fathers were disappointed to learn they were too late; all the good days in October and early November had been reserved months ago for the Pequot/Schwartz wedding reception, the Jamestown “Up Yours, We Were First” Commemoration, and the last of the Mohican family reunions.

    Luckily, a spot opened up the last Thursday of November when “Mohawks On Ice!” was forced to close after some Hurons stole their loincloths.  So, the Native Europeans invited their friends, the Native Americans, to a grand feast at the local Elks Lodge picnic pavilion (with real elk). 

    A deeply devout people, the Pilgrims wished to thank the “Godless heathen savages” for all their help getting the colony on its feet.  After all, the tribe was essential to gaining a foothold in the New World, long before the Trail of Tears, Wounded Knee, and all-you-can-eat casino buffets. 

"Behold, for I bring you the gift of maize.
As long as you don't mind the smell of dead fish."
    Imagine what would have happened had Squanto not taught the Pilgrims to plant fish with their corn.  

    Prior to that, they just stuck them in their trousers.

"Seriously, Sleeps With Chickens?  Eels??
Couldn't bring a French Bean casserole
like a normal person, could ya?"
    Plus, the tribe brought the eel pies. Hmmmmmm....eel.

    Many customs today hearken back to this coming together: the feast, the fellowship, the two-hand touch lacrosse game after supper, and the men falling asleep in front of the fire with their hands down their pants while the women cleaned up all laid the foundation of our nation.

    Happily, it was the giving of thanks which has endured through peace, war, and disco.  No doubt Governor Bradford himself began a tradition which survives to this day: putting relatives on the spot to state that for which they were thankful.

    In homes across the nation, this scene will be played out anew during halftime.  In the true spirit of the holiday, millions of family members will likewise be grilled.

    This year, though, in addition to joyful thanks for family, friends, and the feelings of warmth which come from both, one will resonate above all:

    That Great-Aunt Mildred was able to buy the last case of Twinkies from that guy in the back of his van at the Stop N Shop.

    Because the alternative was Eel Pies.

    And I don’t care how much Cool Whip you put on them, they’re still eels.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!

And...Robyn and Julie (and whomever I missed)...HAPPY HANUKKAH!
Okay, you've got him


But, we've got...
So, let's call us even.



FINAL NOTE:  Penwasser Place will be off-line this weekend.  I've got some serious eating and drinking to do.  And giving thanks that I didn't have to pay for it. See you Sunday or Monday!
Or whenever I dry out.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Kids Having Kids

Didn't Joseph have a beard?

Even the sheep looks appalled.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Captain Caption XXI

    It's rarely a good idea to explain a joke, but I'm taking that chance.  I've included the below to help this week's Captain Caption make any sense. You're welcome.


Vladimir Putin.
President of Russia, Former Head of the KGB, noted exhibitionist.


Okay?
Here we go.

"Ha, ha, funny mens for to be calling me Vladdy Pukin'.  Is big screams pantsing me in gyms class,  puttings with the hand in glass of warm water, pushing me into girls room, and making with the-how you say?-titty twisters.  We see who be laughings last when for to go disappears into labors camp, smart ass."

NOTE:  By the way, has anyone else noticed that Captain Caption XXI was actually published on November 21st?  Huh.  Weird.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Oh, Canada!!!


  The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has been getting a lot of press south of the border and around the world.   This international laughingstock, an admitted substance-abuser, has been recently stripped of most of his powers.  But, Canadians being who they are, it apparently was done very politely.  Although, from the video clip I saw, Hizzoner didn't take the news all that well as he bowled over a lady councilwoman (NOTE:  "Lady" and "councilwoman" may be redundant.).  For all I know, though, maybe she was standing between him and a plate of cheeseburgers.

"Coulda been worse.
Coulda stripped me of my trousers, eh?"
  I think the only thing the Toronto City Council will let him do now is throw out the first pitch.  At Montreal Expos games.  And do Chris Farley impersonations.

"Ja.  I vil crush you.
Oh, wait. I'm a Swede playing a Russian.
Crap.  Never mind.
You still don't want to
piss off the Germans, though."
 Anyway, like I said, he's been getting a lot of air time here in the United States.  Embroiled as we are in the ugliness pursuant to Obamacare, the murders at Benghazi, NSA snooping, the Nancy Pelosi sex tape, spying on Angela Merkel (never a good idea to piss off Germans), fudged unemployment numbers, immigration, trying to keep nukes out of the hands of Iran, IRS intrusion, same-sex marriage, gun control,  and sequestration, it takes our minds off our troubles.

  Still, for what it's worth, Canada, you've got a lot of ground to make up before you can even think about being in the same league as us.

  After all, we've got....
A Weiner


A Dick


A Boner



A Pig


A Cow


An Elephant


A Baboon


A Moose

A Horse


A Jackass



A Carrot


A Skank


But I repeat myself...


A Boo Boo



???????????????


and
I think you've met....




     So, you can keep your beautiful country, clean air, hockey, wide open spaces, syrup, and lack of crime, Canada.  You may have one nut, but we have the whole bowl.


USA!  USA!  USA! 

I just found out that the Beebs is Canadian, too.
 So, we still lead you guys, like a million to two. 

    For those masochistic Canadians who are politely demanding that I take Celine Dion into consideration, as well, I must say that I did consider mentioning her.  But, Celine, while annoying, isn't embarrassing.  At least I don't think she is.

"Besides, I'm French-Canadian and have enough problems.
N'est ce pas?"



Friday, November 15, 2013

It's a Shame

Now, more than ever, I mourn the loss of Chris Farley.

Can you imagine how frikkin' epic he'd be as Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on Saturday Night Live?

"Don't tell Richard Simmons about the crack I have."

Ditto John Candy.  
He'd probably be even funnier since he was Canadian.

But, yeah, he's assumed room temperature, too

Hey, wait a minute.  Maybe John Belushi can play the...oh, crap.

Never got over the Death of Disco.
Or all that coke.

Maybe Drew Carey can play hizzoner.  
After all, he was kinda beefy.

"I lose 100 pounds and the chicks will be all over me!
Probably should ditch the glasses, though."

Sure, he'll do just f...WHAT!?

Shit

Dammit, where'd all the fat guys go?

"Listen, for a dozen glazed, I could help you out.
They don't need me in Trenton.  The Mob can take care of things."

Screw it.  
Let's just think about how good Chris Farley would have been.

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!
Did someone say 'crack!?'"

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Captain Caption XX

"'If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.  Period.'  That's some great stuff there, Barack.  Beats the hell out of 'I didn't have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinksy.'  Shoot, you make me and Jimmy look like Washington and Lincoln.  I'll say this.  It sure took everyone's mind off some stupid stained dress.  Or that I nailed a fat chick."

NOTE:  In the interest of helping my overseas friends with American politics, Clinton is referring to Jimmy Carter.  And 'stained dress' alludes to an incident which resulted in Bill Clinton being impeached for perjury, but not removed from office.  In retrospect, the whole thing was kinda nuts (no pun intended).


Monday, November 11, 2013

11 11 18


  Okay, here's yet another frikkin' repost.  What's worse is that many of you have probably already seen this.  Either you're an unlucky follower of mine on Twitter or Facebook (masochists all).  Or, you clicked on the "Just An Observation" link over to the right.  No, not the link for the Robyn Engel book, which is sharing the neighborhood with some mystery novel I wrote for kids and the hideous Shag Carpet Toilet which is ranked 1,304,427 out of over one million books (yes, it's that good!).
  No, look just under the picture of me screaming at a mirror.  Yeah, that's right.
  Or you remember it from last year.  Or the year before that.  Whatever.  Like I've warned you, repeats for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are coming.  Speaking of, how'd you like that Resurrection Blogfest repost from Thursday?  Thanks, Mina Lobo! 
  But, unlike the crap I'll foist upon you in the coming six weeks or so, this is some important stuff.  So, I don't feel all that guilty about reposting it.
  Could be worse.  Could be about Heel Piss Cream.  Oh, I did that one, too.  Sorry.

**********

"Okay, it's settled, then.
We'll meet back here in a little over twenty years.
Only this time, you take Italy."

    Despite the Christmas displays in Home Depot, it’s not even Veterans Day yet.

    On November 11th, 1918, the Germans surrendered to the Allied powers in the Forest of Compiegne, ending what was then known as the Great War.  Little did they know there would be a sequel nearly 21 years later.

    But that’s another story.

    The following November, President Woodrow Wilson declared that “Armistice Day” would henceforth be observed in honor of those who had fallen during the “war to end all wars” (kinda dropped the ball with THAT one, didn’t we?).

    Following the Second World War (the “good” war, an oxymoron if there ever was one), the town of Emporia, Kansas changed “Armistice” to “Veterans” Day.  The idea was to honor everyone who had served in the armed forces rather than only those who’d fought against the Kaiser.

    As the years went by, the idea of setting aside a special day for veterans took hold throughout the nation.  In 1954, Congress made the name change official while President Eisenhower called on all Americans to observe the day.  But, surprisingly, it took until 1971 for Richard Nixon to declare it a federal holiday.

    In the years since, it’s become little more than an excuse to hold blowout sales on everything from bed linen to used cars (“Buy this Chevy because Patton would have wanted you to.”).  Ceremonies marking the day have been lost in the madcap frenzy of pre-Christmas commercialism.  In fact, what was once a universal day off has turned into pretty much a “federal government employees only” respite.

    I don’t have a problem with this, per se, if it was still recognized for the somber event that it is.  After all, Veterans Day is much more than sleeping in late and watching Sponge Bob Squarepants in your underpants while wolfing down a bowl of “Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.”

    Unfortunately, many people don’t even know what Veterans Day is all about.  While working at a local school district on November 11th several years ago, I was flabbergasted when the morning announcements proclaimed Veterans Day merely as a “day to recognize older people who had a lot of experience.”

    What!?  Now, I don’t wish to denigrate Grandpa’s fly-fishing prowess and, boy howdy, ain’t it cool that Great-Aunt Tilly can knit a quilt with her feet, but c’mon!  Since when is bowling a perfect game the same as convoy duty in Afghanistan?  Quick answer-it’s not.

    As a result, I spent the balance of the day quizzing my students on whether they knew what put the “veteran” in Veterans Day.  Sadly, I was depressed by their appalling lack of knowledge, as very few of them actually understood what all the fuss was about.  But, you can bet your bottom dollar they knew when the sequel to “Harry Potter” was coming out or who won the last American Idol.

    NOTE:  Like I said, this was several years ago.

    Shocking as it was, I know they weren’t the only ones who had little clue that the 11th of November was different than any other day.  It goes without saying there’s a need to set a few things straight. 

    So, I call on all of us who know better to teach others about Veterans Day.  Urge those around you to take a moment to remember our veterans and those who are still in harm’s way.

    You don’t have to go to a flag-raising ceremony, attend a parade, or even buy one of those “Buddy Poppies” (although I do, because I enjoy talking to those guys).  You don’t have to agree on this war or that war and you certainly don’t have to watch “The Sands of Iwo Jima” at attention.

    Although the Duke would love you for it, may he rest in peace.

    If nothing else, reflect on the service of all those who have worn, and continue to wear, our nation’s uniform.  From Lexington to Kabul, they deserve our respect and our thanks.

    As a veteran myself, I salute them all.
Have a Happy Veterans Day!
Better yet, a solemn one.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Hallowmas

   Manzanita from Wanna Buy a Duck commented a few days ago on my post concerning Santa coming down my chimney (that is still a chilling thought, mind you).  Anyway, I answered her by recalling a conversation Mrs. Penwasser and I had the weekend before Halloween.  We were driving to BJ's Warehouse to pick up some essentials:  five gallon cans of Beefaroni, a cheesecake that could feed twenty-five, a kayak, a 10 CD Tony Robbins motivational set, a couple dozen English cucumbers ("They're Burpless!"), a carton of razors, and a set of tires.
 
She never thinks my BJ jokes are funny.

   
Along the way, I commented how people were putting up their Christmas lights earlier and earlier.

"Can you believe what I just saw?"

"SIGH...something for that blog of yours?"

"Well...yes.  But, actually, someone had their lights up already!"

"Maybe they never took them down."

"No, these ones were lit!"

"They could be Halloween lights you know."

"But those are just orange and white."

"Why not orange, white, and black?"

"Think about what you just said...black lights?"

"Oh."

"Anyway, I like Halloween displays.  Those are cool.  In fact, I think there's one of those down the street.  What I'm talking about are displays with red, green, and blue lights.  On a tree!  Before Veterans Day!"

"Well, don't be such a sour puss.  If people want to put lights up, let 'em.  Who made you King of Holiday Displays?"

Note:  I would sooo put in a resume for that job.

"I henceforth decree that Christmas lights can only be displayed from Thanksgiving
until you stop saying 'Happy New Year!'
Menorahs are cool, although somebody needs to tell me when Hanukkah is.
It's like Easter with you people, you never know when it will be.
Kwanzaa!?  Are you effin' kidding me!?
 Now let's eat!"

"Well, I don't think it's right, that's all."

"Well, you're just an old crab."

"Look!  That's what I was talking about!"

[pointing at the Halloween display of which I spoke]

[Without looking] "Congratulations!  You win!"

"No, it's a Halloween one!"
NOTE:  May also be Dick Cheney's house.
"Oh, that is neat.  But, you're still an old crab."


We ended up buying an artificial tree at BJ's.

Humbug.



Saturday, November 9, 2013

Captain Caption XIX

Hillary Clinton's BOTOX operation goes horribly awry when doctors mistakenly attach an air pump to her neck.  On the other hand, male bullfrogs throughout the world now think the former Secretary of State, New York Senator, first lady, and woman with comfortable shoes looks "damn sexy."