Thursday, May 30, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLVI

‎"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to Lot #9.  What am I bid for this gently-used Popemobile, which has had only two owners and was mainly driven on Sundays after Mass?
  Shall we start the bidding at $10,000? $10,000, $10,000, $10,000, $15,000, $15,000, $35,000, $35,000, $35,000, $35,000, $1,000,000, $1,000,000, $1,000,000, $1,000,000...going once, going
twice-we done?-SOLD to Mr. Mel Gibson!"

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Well...okay

Sounds legit....


On the other hand....

Let's just forget the whole thing

Saturday, May 25, 2013

She Reminds Me of Me


"Hey, didja hear they're making a remake with Jeff Bridges in your role?"
"They had to, dumbass.  I die in 1979."
"Oh...yeah.  Well, they could have used me.  Why'd they use Matt Damon instead of me?"
"Well, first, Glen, you'll be too old.  Plus, you suck."  

  In the 1969 movie, True Grit (for which John Wayne won his only Academy award for Best Actor With an Eye Patch), Rooster Cogburn (played by the aforementioned Mr. Wayne) is standing on a ferryboat (as opposed to a fairyboat.  That goes from Provincetown to Boston), with Texas Ranger La Boeuf (played by Glen Campbell, who did not win for Best Actor with a Cowlick).  
    Rooster is admiring the daring of waif Mattie Ross (played by Kim Darby, who should have won for Best Actress Who Most Resembles Justin Beiber) as she crosses some river in Arkansas (I think.  Who the frik knows?) while desperately trying to remain on top of her horse (this would sound way dirty in Tijuana).
    
    Rooster smiles and says, "She reminds me of me."

NOTE:  Please excuse my liberal use of all those parentheses.  I had a whole bunch left over from the A-Z Challenge and I needed to get rid of them before the end of the month.


"So, that's what more than one of us is called.
I always thought it was platypusses."
    So it is with Valerie Nunez from the aptly named blog, Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  She really does remind me of me.  Except she's attractive, young, smart, doesn't scare small children, and isn't perched on a toilet on the curb.  

    At least I don't wear an eyepatch.

    Yet.

    If you like the kind of stuff you find here, you need professional help you'll love the goings-on over at her place.

   Her commentary is often hilarious of a make-you-laugh-out-loud-so-much-that-milk-comes-flying-out your-nose-which-makes-Mrs. Penwasser-scream-"I'M-NOT-CLEANING-THAT-MESS-UP-YOU-KNOW!"

    Without the Mrs. Penwasser part.

    Plus, she has pictures.  Quite a few pictures.  With captions.  Now that's right up my alley (NOTE:  Often heard in a gay bar).  And probably yours (NOTE:  Often heard in a swinger's club).

    Let's face it, pictures grab your attention.  And pictures with
Or baboons.
captions tend to make you keep reading.  And pictures of monkeys smoking cigars make you laugh, even though they have nothing whatsoever to do with what you're reading.


    Thanks to the A-Z Challenge, I have more than just a bunch of parentheses laying around.  I was also fortunate to be visited by Valerie which caused me to return the favor.  

    I'm glad I did.  I have yet to find a clunker, unlike the occasional goose egg you'll find here.  One of them, a post about how how she wishes she were a phone virus, was so funny I avoided drinking milk.  

  And put up with the hassle of typing in the link so you could automatically go to it.  If for nothing else, have a look at how she handles a wrong number.  You'll learn a lot about Pluto.

  Apparently, it's no longer a planet.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mickey Mouse's dog.  I get it.
But, at least my name doesn't make middle school boys laugh.
Like Uranus."

 
"Why do you use Word Verification, why???
And there's still no pictures in 50 Shades of Gray!!!"
 
  The only downside to her blog is that she uses those pain in the ass word verifications if you want to leave a comment.  I really don't know why those of you who use them insist on doing so.  Something to do about being a robot.  Like Al Gore.

  Anyway, do yourself a favor and have a look at her blog.  I don't often recommend blogs, but when I do, I recommend Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.

"Stay laughing, my friends."

    

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLV

"So I have therefore decided to succeed Michael Bloomberg as Mayor
 of New York City.  The way I see it, if you're going to have a dick in
 charge of the Big Apple, it may as well be one named 'Weiner.'  Thank you, there will be no questions.  But, I have some Twitter pics for the ladies to take home."

Monday, May 20, 2013

We Interrupt Our Program

"All...I...want...to...do...is blog!
And get rid of this swelling on my forehead.
I look like Popeye's son.
If Popeye's son was the frikkin' Elephant Man."
 Ladies and gentlemen and all the ships at sea,

    You may have noticed I haven't been around all that much lately.
    
    I've been overcome by life and can't visit here as much as I'd like.  A fairly significant family event has occurred which has taken me to Virginia twice in the past week.  As much as I enjoy visiting the Old Dominion (and the chance to buy beer in a supermarket...something you can't do in Pennsylvania.  I think it's an Amish thing), I would just as soon not have gone.
    
    That, combined with my job, the fact that I umpire several softball games a week (Translation:  I get yelled at several times a week ) and my other blog for a local news organization (for which I get paid just as much as I do for Penwasser Place), means my blogging here has taken quite a hit.
    
    I fully expect things to turn around eventually.  Probably sooner rather than later.  My trips to Virginia have come to an end, the end of softball draws near, and my job will soon terminate (NOTE:  This is probably not a good thing, fiscally speaking).  At any rate, things could get back to normal really quick.  I plan on visiting your blogs as much as I can and will write hilarious commentary (or the crap I usually do) as soon as possible.  At the very least, I'll post pictures which tickle my funny bone.  
    
    Or some porn.  
    
    Everybody loves porn.

    Except nuns.

    Well, maybe nuns.
    
    Hopefully, you won't notice much of a change.
    
    In any case, I just wanted you all to know.

best fishes,
Al    

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Such a Deal

A $25 iTunes gift card for only $25!!??
Where can I get one of these sweet deals??

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLIV

You better believe that, if I was Santa, I'd sure as hell shave my beard off, too.



NOTE:  For those who are new to Penwasser Place (where've you been, reading something worthwhile?), let me explain this whole Facebook Funnies nonsense.  Facebook, by and large, isn't exceptionally funny (except those videos of girls firing shotguns.  And anything Joe Biden says).  So, I don't call these things "funnies" just because I got them from that social network.  No, they're called what they are because, when I find a picture that tickles me (usually on the Drudge Report), I post them on Facebook.  Then, I will post them here at Blogger.  There's usually a lag time between when you see a picture/caption on FB and when you see it here. This may explain,for those of you unlucky enough to be my Facebook friend, your feeling of "Hey, I think I've seen this before.  And thank Christ that Penwasser doesn't live near me."  So, hopefully, this clears it up.
Carry on.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Saturday, May 11, 2013

A-Z Challenge Clean-Up


    Well, the A-Z Challenge has come and gone.  For 30 days (actually 26, because we had the Lord's Day off.  Amen), you were treated (?) to posts on Afghanistan, Kublai Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Scandinavian flags, and so on.   

   After my final post, I decided to take a hiatus to recharge my creative batteries (creative...yeah...let's use that word).  Oh sure, there have been a couple of Facebook Funnies since then and a sign which compelled us to wash our bums.  But, to tell you the truth, I wrote those in March.

    Over the past week, I've noticed there are several pictures left over which I didn't use in my posts.  Either through lack of room or that I completely forgot about them, they never made it.  So, to clean out my computer and because it will give me a little more time before I need to write something new, may I present (in no certain order)....

A-Z Challenge Unused Pictures of Questionable Merit

   
I originally planned on using this for Elephants at War, but thought a picture of elephants from The Lord of the Rings would be more historically accurate.  
I was wrong
Apparently, real elephants only have one set of tusks.  And are only scared by mice, not Greeks.  Unless they're naked Greeks.  Those would scare anybody.  Especially if it was a naked Anthony Quinn.

When I was researching the history of underwear, I Googled "jockeys."  I suppose I should have been more specific.


Hey, what I used this picture for is my business.  What are you complaining about anyway?  I gave you a picture of Sea Slugs "doing it."






Ditto.
Have I mentioned I love the internet?







Okay, after the past two pictures, I got a little greedy and Googled "thongs."
So, unless you have a foot fetish, this one was pretty much a bust.
Speaking of bust, did you see that picture of Marilyn Monroe?




Hey!!  How did that get in here??  

Give me a picture of thongs any day!





These were Mound Builders.  From Oklahoma.  I think.  Or a group of Aztecs telling each other that that Cortes fellow wasn't a bad sort.


I planned on using this for my post on Hell.
It's either a still from Disney's Fantasia.
Or Dick Cheney's Senior picture.






This is a picture of Andrew Jackson and a Native-American.
Who should have scalped Old Hickory's ass when he had the chance.
NOTE:  Ass-Scalping never really caught on.


This was either for the post on Popes...
Or a call of Safe! at the Annual Vatican City-Tehran Softball and Beheading Classic.


Bad-ass Russian dude from the James Bond movie From Russia With Love.
This was going to go in my Russia post (which I think would be obvious).
He wasn't Russian, didn't have blond hair, was killed by the shark in Jaws, and is no kidding, for real dead.


Another Russian dude.









????





I was going to use this for Oklahoma.  But it's the state flag for Oregon.  
I was way off.
But, seriously, are Oregonans so numb they have to have the state's name on the flag so they don't confuse it with Hawaii's?



Oh, hell, I don't remember.  

But, it's marmalade.  Or jelly.  Or jam.  Or preserves.  Crap, where's the Food Network when you need them?






Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!!!!!  
More guys in their underwear!!!  
What's this blog coming to????







Clearly, I need to post something a little more manly....

Why in the world do I still have THIS???
Luckily, though, I still have this!

And between Scarlett and the picture of that Russian gymnast,
that's all I need!

So let's just put the A-Z Challenge behind us for another year.  

Prepare for 12 months of no redeeming social value.

You've been warned.


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLIII

"Hey, isn't there supposed to be water in the pool?"

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Well...okay

If you think it's a good idea.

Just don't give me any lip if you walk in and my pants are around my ankles and my bum is in the sink

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLII

The A-Z Challenge is over.....who's up for the return of Facebook Funnies?  

Aw, screw it.  You're getting them anyway.



"Hey, c'mon guys!  I only only farted a little.  I mean, it's not
 like I crapped my pants.  Jeez, some people can be so frikkin' touchy!"