Thursday, February 28, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXVII

"So, Mr. Ed walks into a bar and-stop me if you've heard this one-sees John Kerry nursing a beer.  Feeling sorry for him, he walks over and asks, 'You've just been picked Secretary of State.  Why the long face?' 
No, no, you're too kind. You've been a great faith, German jokes and all,
but it's time to go.  Whaddya say we head over to the buffet table? And, please, try the pigs-in-a-blanket.  They're to die for."

Monday, February 25, 2013

Mystery Solved

Apparently, Batman isn't Jewish

Saturday, February 23, 2013

This, That, and the Other Thing

  As they told my mother after I was born, this will be a short one.  I don't have a lot of time to write an overly long post (you're welcome).  That, plus the fact I have a few things to tell you which wouldn't make for a decent size offering has resulted in the following potpourri of "This, That, and the Other Thing."
  
Oh, no.
None of this when I'm on the can.
  First, I'd like to report that I have finished my bathroom!  Well, virtually finished.  Like Michelangelo, I still need to paint the ceiling.  Unlike Michelangelo, it won't contain a plethora of naked dudes.  Or women, for that matter (Mrs. Penwasser is such a prude).  Or naked babies (because that would be just plain creepy).  
  
January 12, 2013
  
January 26, 2013
Okay, so it took me a while to post this.
But, I had to get that old dude out of the mirror.
  Oh, and I still need to put a new faucet on the bathtub.

  Other than that, it's just about done.
I said just about done!  Dammit!
 ****
30 Days of Fun.
Followed by a summer of nervous breakdown  
  Speaking of the 2013 A-Z Challenge (we weren't), have you signed up for it yet?  If not, please click on this link.  No, this one.  Then follow the bouncing ball to sign up for 30 days of seemingly countless typing.  Or you can write all your posts beforehand and put them on delayed post.

  Despite the fact that I promised I would repeat my 'E' post for Easter ('Easter' begins with 'E.'  Try and keep up), I won't be doing that this year because Easter is actually in March (the 31st).

  That's the good news.

  The bad news is that you'll still get a repost from last year for Easter.  Which is on a Sunday this year.  Funny how that always seems to work out that way.  Don't worry, though.  It's hysterical.  As far as you know.


"Be honest.
Do these chains make my junk look big?"
  In a departure from past challenges, I've decided to go with a theme.  So, for 2013, I will devote each letter of the alphabet to a part of history.  I've always wanted to write something along the lines of a world history.  Which is totally void of facts or any redeeming educational value.  You know, like the Philadelphia school system.  

  I probably won't repeat my 'K' entry from 2011 (Kublai Khan) or my 'X' entry from last year (Xerxes), but you never know.

  Which means, plan on it.
****

  I've been informed that, according to Alexa-The Web Information Company,  Penwasser Place is ranked #10,054,189 worldwide.  Now, I have no earthly clue who-or what-Alexa is, but.......suck it, #10,054,190!
****


Get your copy now while millions last! 
NOTE:  At press time, no picture for
It's Not Just a Job was available.
Because I didn't feel like doing it yet.
Sue me.
  You'll be pleased (?) to know that I've finally begun work on my third book.  Called It's Not Just a Job, it takes the main character from Shag Carpet Toilet and puts him in the Navy.  I may include excerpts from the book here from time to time.  Especially if I got nothing else to say.  I hope It's Not Just a Job enjoys the same screeching success that its predecessor, which is coming in at a solid #626,650 on the Kindle Hot Hits Chart, had.  

  Could be worse, I suppose.  Could be #10,054,189.

****
  
Latest Just An Observation
James Buchanan
The only president from Pennsylvania.
Spoiler Alert:  he sucked.
  Finally (thank goodness), I've started another blog which pays me as much as my blog here at Blogger does (uh oh).  Called Just An Observation, it's hosted by the Philadelphia news organization and concerns my observations (clever how I included that in the blog's title, huh?) about what life is like in southeastern Pennsylvania.  Mostly because I have no clue what life's like in Southeastern Iowa.  Besides corn.  And tornadoes.  What's more, I'm writing under my own name.  So, if you want to find out what my real name is (a secret as closely guarded as "How Do I Get Into Snooki's Pants?") or you want to find out a little about Pennsylvania (why?) or you're just plain frikkin' bored, you can access it here.  

****

  Oops, hang on.  That really wasn't all that short, was it?  Well, to make up for it, how 'bout some mindless gratuity of a prurient nature?

Reputed to be a witty conversationalist.
As if anyone frikkin' cared.
I've been told he's attractive.
Gotta admit, though, I am a little skeeved.
You're welcome, ladies.
As always, here at Penwasser Place, we don't judge.
But, I'm really skeeved now.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXVI

Mass panic ensued when a surgical mask wearing
giant terrorized a small Egyptian village.  Before fleeing for his life,
Farouk Al penwasser cried, "And here we thought Japan had all the problems with those dinosaurs knocking down their houses."

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Octo-Mom Must Be Stopped!

It took that kid forever to be born!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Well, That Goes Without Saying

In any event, they make him forget he looks like Roy Orbison.
A dead guy.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXV

Taking his cue from Clint Eastwood, Pope Benedict decides to hold a series of debates with
 Barack Obama before resigning his post at the Vatican.
First on the docket:  "You suck.  No, you suck!"

Monday, February 11, 2013

Don't Worry. Nemo Will Find YOU.


"Hey, aren't they supposed to go on one of the tires?"


NOTE:  Yes, yes, I realize that New England got walloped by a wicked buttload of snow from Nemo.  Milford, Connecticut?  Supposedly, you won with the most snowfall in the region.  So, you have that going for you.  And the fact you have Stratford separating you from Bridgeport.  But, you live in New England.  Why do you think the pioneers moved west?  Although-sidebar, your honor?-when they were getting scalped or eating Papa Donner, I'm thinking they were reconsidering their stance on blizzards.
We only got a few inches here in Southeast Pennsylvania (that’s what she said).  Pretty much to cover the dog turds.  And midgets.
But, still….

  Once upon a time, a young man (hey, I’m the one writing this.  I can write ‘young’ man if I want!), looked out of his window.  A winter storm had deposited a sparkling blanket of snow on his driveway (well, more than his driveway, but you get the picture).

  Donning parka, gloves, wool hat, ski goggles, and pants (which I would think goes without saying), our hero (which also happens to be the name for a sandwich) thought he’d use the snowblower to clear the driveway for his wife. 

  Another sidebar, you honor?
  Q:  Why was the snowman happy?
  A:  He heard the snowblower was coming.

  Who had to go to work.

  Yeah, that sucks.

  Anyway, he decided he needed to clear a sufficient amount of snow to allow said wife to leave.  However, she ended up getting a ride from a friend before the young man (remember: my story) got outside.

  Had to check “Words With Friends” first, dontcha know.

   Even though he no longer had to hurry to clear the driveway, he decided to go out anyway.  After all, he was dressed now.

  Cutting a broad swath down one end, turning around, then removing Mother Nature’s frosty mantle of white from the other, the driveway was nearly cleared.

  Patting himself on the back for a job well done, the young man spotted a clump of mud halfway to the house.  Since he wanted to leave a pristine path for his wife upon her return from (like I said, that sucks), he aimed his snowblower towards to clear it away.

  Little did he know that, halfway though the job, a chain had slipped off one of his wheels and dropped onto the snow.

  Moral of the Story:  Keep your glasses on when shoveling, even though the ski goggles fog them up.  Because that may NOT be a clump of mud.  
"Sure, we sell replacement drive belts for snowblowers.
Dumbass."


Friday, February 8, 2013

If It's On the Internet It Must Be True

    In reaction to yesterday's Facebook Funnies post, Juli from Surviving Boys wondered...

"I'm not sure what skeeves me out more, the fact that this picture exists, or that you found it. :)"

    Well, wonder no more, Juli.

    I sifted through my archives (boy, if that doesn't sound frikkin' pretentious) and found this little gem from an earlier post.

    Some of you may remember it.  And are undergoing therapy to remove it from your mind's eye.


See?  You can find anything on the internet.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXIV

"Would you like some cheese on your salad?"

Olive Garden.
When you're here, you're like family.
One with severe allergies.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

It's That Time of Year Again


    Well, not really.  But, almost.

    There's an old saying (no, not "Blow is just a figure of speech!") that the only guarantees in life are death, taxes, and Barbra Streisand "Farewell Tours."  

    Well, I feel I must add another:  "The A-Z Challenge."


    Coming every April (a lot like me, except I come in July.  That's when my birthday is), the "A-Z Challenge" is a...challenge (try to keep up, willya?) that will...uh...challenge (too lazy to think of a synonym) those of us who call ourselves writers but don't get paid...

   WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN OPINION FROM A WRITER WHO DOES NOT GET PAID:  Incidentally, if you are a writer who does get paid, what in the hell are you doing here, just giving away your stuff (yes, I'm talking to you, Nancy S. Thompson)?  I mean, we love you all, but why throw away the cow when you can get it for free and...oh, crap, now I've just gone and confused myself.  See?  That's why I don't get paid.  I confuse easily and will probably never  win Blog of Note

    ...to take a letter from the alphabet and write a post specific to that specific (geez, I'm just not coming up with enough synonyms, am I?) letter.  

    For those of you who are saying, "Well, golly, Al, April has 30 days so how can I make 26 letters fit?"

    To you, I say, "You'll be able to take some weekends off.  You'll just have to write 26 posts.  Just be grateful you're not using the Spanish alphabet.  Or, the Cyrillic or Chinese one.  How'd you like to write posts on frikkin' pictures and squiggly lines instead, Mr. Smart-Ass English major??"

    So, the "2013 A-Z Challenge" (clever title, that) will commence Monday, April 1st.  Sign up to participate on Blogging From A to Z Challenge (April 2013) .  In addition to the sign-up list, you'll find rules and a description of the event, along with naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

    But, hurry up, because space is limited and you don't want to miss your chance.

    NOTE:  The aforementioned is completely untrue and is to be expected from a writer who does not get paid.  There is plenty of room, although sign-ups will close out in 55 days.  Or so.  I don't feel like looking.  But, you can bet you're screwed if you wait until April 15th.  If you wait that long, you may as well pay your taxes.

    So, sign-up.  I participated in the 2011 and 2012 challenges and very much enjoyed the experience. 
Underwear, Kublai Khan, X-Men, Vasectomies,
Old Man Toe, Easter, and a picture of Chaz Bono.
Xerxes, Underwear (again), Easter (again), Ohio, Narwhals,
Qi, Tucks Ass-Itch Pads, and a picture of Whoopi Goldberg.

    This year, I plan on being much more sophisticated.  For instance, for 'B' this year, I'll write about "Boners."

   Plus, you can betcher ass I'll repeat Easter.

   

Saturday, February 2, 2013

A Lavatorial Conundrum


Four sinks, one hand dryer.  What to do?


1. Wait politely in line while the three dudes in front of you dry their hands.


2. Dry hands on pants.


3. Hurry up peeing so you can wash your hands and jump to the head of the "Dryer Line."


4. Stick your wet hands in your armpits to dry them. While this may dry your hands, they'll probably smell like BO.

5. Forgo washing your hands completely, you filthy pig.

6. Dry your hands with toilet paper. Sigh....do I really need to say "Unused" toilet paper?

7. Dry your hands on the shirt of the dude in front of you.

8. Pick up teeth.

9. What am I talking about??? This is a Mens Room.  What are the odds of all three of the dudes in front of you even washing their hands in the first place?


NOTE:  A 'conundrum' is a puzzle, an enigma, a problem admitting of no satisfactory solution.  You know, a lot like why anybody gives a flying crap what Snooki does.