Friday, December 27, 2013

'Tis the Season For a Repost, Part II (THIS TIME WITH PICTURES!)

When I reposted a repost of my Christmas story a few days ago, for some reason it didn't post with pictures.  Since I was in Virginia at the time (had a great time, thanks for asking), I wasn't able to fix it. I'm home now and my ego is insisting you all felt cheated by the omission. So, here it is, complete with what I hope are hilarious additions.  Feel free to read the captions for each or read the entire thing all over again.  Or you can skip the whole mess altogether (why not?  It's a repost, after all).




For Part I, visit my December 20th post.  Seriously, does anyone ever check back on earlier posts? Really no biggie if you don't.  It's not like you missed vital plot elements, you know.  And if you've come to Penwasser Place expecting "vital plot elements," you should seek psychological attention.  I mean, I have a picture of me sitting on a toilet on the street.

**********

    When last we left the Penwasser family, they were returning home from a joyous Christmas celebration at Saint Stanislaus Roman Catholic Church....

 

 
"Who the frik needs kung-fu grip?
Damn thing melted my junk off."
  
Once home, we joyfully returned to our toys, although now we wanted to see how creative we could get.  For instance, G.I. Joe (with “Kung Fu grip”) didn’t fare too well in the Vietcong EZ Bake Oven.  We also discovered that, if you removed the rubber suction cups, toy arrows sharpen up real nice.

    Meanwhile, Mom merrily prepared the
Some cultures adhere
to the charming "Feast of
the Seven Fishes."
Although one seems
plenty for this guy.
“Holiday Feast.”  The star of the show was, of course, the turkey, which had been mummifying in the oven the past two days.  Its aroma filled the house with flavor and its burning grease flooded the kitchen with smoke. 

    Besides the turkey, dinner featured food you’d only see one other time:  Thanksgiving.  For instance, I can’t imagine any egg nog keggers at a Fourth of July picnic.

"Vat do you mean 'I suck?'
Oh, I'm a vampire.
Good one.
But, I will have some of that blood pudding
."
    When presented a choice of turnips, squash, candied yams, egg nog, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce (always from the can), marzipan, sweet potato souffle with mini-marshmallows, the horrifying blood pudding, mincemeat pie, and the ubiquitous fruitcake, we usually preferred white meat, Hungry Jack mashed potatoes, and marshmallow snowmen.
"Whatever he doesn't have, I'll eat."
NOTE:  Second use of Nixon in one story.

    After which, we flung dinner rolls at Karen and the dog, Duke IV.

    Sufficiently gorged, we retired to the living room to strap Karen’s Barbie to “Revolving Color Wheel of Death” while Mom hosed down the dining room.  Dad, on the other hand, attired in his festive tee shirt and tighty-whiteys, plopped in front of the television and scratched his back with a fork.

    As afternoon dragged toward evening, our eyelids grew heavy.  Our early morning rampage had finally caught up with us and, chocolate-fueled frenzy notwithstanding, we were sliding closer to sleep.

    Through lidded eyes, I remember my father lurching toward the kitchen.  Before I lapsed into a food coma, I heard a faint, “Boy, I sure could use a turkey sandwich with Miracle Whip.”

Smeared with feces,
also a hit with the Viet Cong.
    Followed by a harsh string of colorful holiday expressions of goodwill as he stepped on one of our pointed wooden arrows.

   “Hey,” Gary mumbled as he drifted off to sleep, “Santa’s back.”

    Let’s see Kwanzaa match those kind of holiday memories.
Swahili for "Something to do between Christmas and New Years."



Wow.  Well, that wasn't worth it.  Sorry.  Carry on with your post-Christmas celebrations.  I've got some chocolate Santas and marshmallow snowmen to eat.  And, I'm gonna go see if those wooden arrows I have will stick to the neighbor's cat.


Happy New Year!!

26 comments:

  1. I don't have many holiday tales of my own but this was a nice little story. I hear you can actually whittle those arrows down to sharpen them up even more and plastic swords still hurt quite a lot. If the traditional greeting is "have a Kwazy Kwanza" then maybe it really can match up to this. I don't know anyone who actually celebrates it. I'm not entirely sold on it being a real holiday. Spell check even said it wasn't a word and spell check never lies.

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    1. Kwanzaa is a made up thing here in the States. Like Mormons and Kim Kardashian's career.

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  2. What about turkey farts? I can clearly remember my Dad clearing the room with the awful smell of partially digested turkey a few hours after the big meal.

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    1. That may explain why my mother lit all those evergreen candles.

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  3. Those arrows can hurt the friggin feet, poor barbie must have got a complex after the death wheel

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    1. My sister wasn't amused, but it really was funny!

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  4. My dad never walked around in his underwear but the rest of this sounds quite similar. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

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    1. It's what makes my Christmas memories so very special.

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  5. Christmas bittersweet memories. Where are they when you need em the rest of the year.

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    1. I'd be very interested to hear my kids in about twenty years telling stories to their kids (or to Blogger 2033) about Christmas with Papa Al.

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  6. We always had an extra large supply of Pepto Bismol around the holidays. Pig outs were what we did best. It was NJ after all.

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    1. None of the pictures made it! WTH????? Since I'm in Virginia, I won't be able to fix it for a few days. Crap. And I used that Nixon picture again!

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  7. You were creative n your weaponry as a child. Well played.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  8. It was even BETTER when we found some yellow cake uranium.

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  9. I'm just glad that I read both parts, so that I didn't miss any "vital plot elements." I'm sure those Penwasser boys were practically lynched after their dad's accident. Hope it wasn't too painful ( both the double entendre, and the beating). Wishing you, and your family a wonderful New Year, Al! Thanks for always entertaining us!

    Julie

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  10. The pictures were worth it. Happy holidays.

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  11. I'd love to experience this food coma at least once in my life :) I've never actually had an opportunity to stuff myself abnormally with food. When I was a kid we were poor so we never had much food, then my country had ten years of wars, bombings and poverty... and now when I could possibly enjoy food, I'm vegetarian and you know how it is.... you can't really cause food coma with carrots and sprouts and lentils :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But look on the bright side, no turkey farts.
      By the way, very very sorry about that bombing. No one asked for my vote.

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    2. 'Tis true... I wonder if tofurkey's fart too :)
      Glad to hear it, Al, I think that most of the people in US wouldn't agree to any bombings if they had a vote, but most of them didn't even know that their bombers were attacking some country for three months day and night. That's the power of media manipulation...
      Happy 2014 tomorrow!

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    3. I fear we're becoming bullies. And I don't like that one bit.
      Peace to you in the new year, my friend.

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  12. Happy Kwanza!

    I looked at a Kwanza but, it was too small for the money. I like SUVs.

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  13. To the plastic dude in first photo: Put your clothes on and act like a lady.

    Happy everything, Al Penwasser. Thank you for another year of laughter that went through my intestines, up my nostrils, to my pinkie toes,...and out any way it could.

    xoRobyn

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    1. And Barbie doesn't have nipples. Whoa. I just blew my own mind.

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