Thursday, November 7, 2013

Resurrection Blogfest-Be Very Afraid


It's a REPOST!!!!



   But, that's okay, because Mina Lobo at Some Dark Romantic said it was totally cool to do this.  She wanted to commemorate (hope that's spelled right.  If not, sue me) her second year of blogging by sponsoring this contest.  Our instructions were to pick a post (or our nose-she won't judge) from the past year and foist it upon our unsuspecting readers who came here expecting something original.  The post below is from January of this year, let alone last year.  So, quite a few you were here.     
  It just so happens that this is the season for reposts (CAUTION:  Another one is coming on November 11th.  And Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years.  Maybe something original for Kwanzaa.  I don't know) so I'm thrilled.  
  Anyway, there are are some other things I need to do (possibly something naked with a chicken-I won't judge), but I need to go back and read them from our master, Mina.  All you'll need to do is enjoy (?) this blast from the recent past.  
  Which I haven't touched AT ALL!   Resurrection Blogfest?  I call it "Lay On My Dead Ass and Throw Leftovers Your Way" Fest.

Programming note:  To make room for today's Resurrected Blog (that sounds dirty), the regularly scheduled "Captain Caption" will post on Saturday.  Uh, if you care about that kind of thing that is.





A Venti By Any Other Name


You can soak your pots and pans here.
Can't take a bath, though.
Unless you're a midget.
Or David Spade.

  The kitchen is very nearly complete. 
     As of today, we have a sink, and thank goodness for that.  It got a little tedious soaking our pots and pans in the bathtub.  Especially when someone was using it.  We had to be extra careful rinsing them off, too, because even the smallest amount of Mr. Bubble left on dinnerware can give you the runs.  Anyway, everything should be wrapped up by Wednesday.  I’ll then take a few “before and after” (the before shots have already been taken...duh) pictures because I won’t feel like writing anything know you’ll be interested.

    The following is a repost, sort of.  I can just hear you saying, “Awww, come on, Al!  December wasfull of tiresome reruns!  For all the money Blogger pays you, you need to be writing original stuff!” 

    But, honestly, it’s not like I'm foisting another one of those warmed-over holiday nightmares on you.

    Instead of being a repeat of a post I wrote, this is  actually a repeat of a comment I made on The Hospitable Scots Bachelor's October 19th blog.  So, since he only has 12 followers, you’ve probably never read it.
"If we want to call a Small a Tall, we will.
We're Starbucks.
Eff you."
    Scots was talking about your favorite coffee establishment and mine, the pretentious Starbucks. I commented on his post and, as I sometimes do, got carried away.  As I looked at it, I thought it might make a quick post here all on its own.

"If you soak that hot dog overnight,
you might be able to get through it."
    I usually prefer getting my coffee at a Wawa (for those who don’t know, it’s like a clean 7-Eleven where the clerks’ first language is English), Dunkin’ Donuts, or Yum Yum Donut shoppe.

"Hmm, maybe getting that doctorate
in Womens Studies wasn't a good career choice."
    But, while in Target for Mrs. Penwasser’s initial Christmas shopping ecstasy (before Halloween, mind you), I decided I’d rather get a cup of coffee than die a little death in the Young Misses section.  Since that particular store had a Starbucks kiosk, I figured what harmc ould come from stopping by? 

    “I’ll have a Large coffee.”
    “You mean a Venti?”
    “What’s a Venti?”
    “It’s a Large coffee.”
    “Why can’t I just say ‘Large’?”
    “Because we’re Starbucks.”
    “What?  That’s frikkin’ stupid!”
    “Well, sir, Starbucks doesn’t have Large coffees.  We have Ventis.”
    “Why?”
    “Because for every time we say Venti, we send a penny to the rainforest.”
    “What???”
    “Right to the rainforest.”
    “Which rainforest?”
    “Any rainforest will do.  Although October is Amazon Month here at Starbucks.”
    “You’re putting me on.”
"Tell you what. We scrape up 
enough pennies, we're getting a couple shirts. 
And a pair of pants for you."
    “No, sir.  We just wrap a penny up and send it straight to Brazil. Not really sure what they do with it, but you can be sure it’s for a good cause.”
    “Sigh...okay, give me a Venti coffee.”
    “What flavor?”
    “What flavor!?  Don’t you just have regular coffee?”
    “I thought you said you wanted a Venti, sir. Our regular coffees are called Tall and our mediums are called Grande.  So, if you w...”
    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn’t Grande mean Large?”
    “That’s only in Spanish-speaking countries, sir.  We’re based in Seattle.”
    “Well, that isn’t what I meant, anyway.  I meant all I wanted was your basic coffee.  You have choices?’
    “Oh, yes, sir.  We have Dark Roast, Extra Rich, Brazilian, Hazelnut, French Vanilla, Vanilla Ice, Jamaican Monkey Blend, Espresso, Australian Beaver Cheese, Mango Twist, Chinese Green Tea Coffee, Mocha Orgasm, Kona, Peruvian, Colombian, Mango Twist, Folgers...”
    “Wait...what???  You made that up!”
    “Which part, sir?”
    “That part about Australian Beaver Cheese.”
    “No, sir.  Beavers are well known coffee drinkers.”
    “Says who?”
    “People.”
"I don't get me some frikkin' Joe,
that whole lodge and dam are coming down.
And then we'll see who's sorry."
    “Which people?”
    “Beaver people.”
    “And the cheese...?”
    “Same people, sir.”
    “Well, yewww, I don’t want that.  Give me Dark Roast.”
    “Decaf, half caffe, third of a calf, full body, skinny, latte swirl, 10W 40, straight up...?”
    SLAM!!!!!
    “Sir?  Sir??  Crap, Lost another one to Dunkin’ Donuts.  Wonder if it was something I said?”

    Okay, now, please go visit The Hospitable Scots Bachelor and tell him I sent you.  He hasn't written anything since November 8th, so maybe he’ll write something new.  Unless he's dead.  Now that wouldn't be very hospitable.

38 comments:

  1. Ahh I remember when you were fixing up your kitchen. It seemed to take a while. I've got a friend fixing up her bedroom and that's taking forever. I think a repost every so often is a pretty good idea. A nice lookback at what was, and a way to see what's not anymore.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The big difference between last year and now? THIS year the house isn't a disaster area so I can now put up the Christmas tree. The damn artificial Christmas tree with all those frikkin' fake branches that I have to put in all those slots (which sounds kinda dirty).

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  2. I have finally gotten to the point where I speak fluent "Starbucksian". Took me three years!

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    1. Probably easier than Klingon. Although I hear they serve a mean cup of tea. And then disembowel you.

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  3. Bringing my pots and pans over for some soaking time!

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  4. Still don't order right at Starbucks, but they get my drift. Good resurrection post!

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    1. I always mess up my order there. I usually say, "I'll have a large, venti, whatever you people call it."

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  5. lol - Wish I could have been the girl behind you, to hear this up close and in person!

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  6. LOL. Sometimes I forget which coffee is which because I don't feel their names correspond to the size.

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    1. The same could be said about my se...oh, I've said too much already.

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  7. There is a reason I don't go to coffee shops. This just gives me another one.

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    Replies
    1. Try going to the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts. Add to the garbled nature of the speaker you have an interesting cultural experience. I wonder if they have any Dunkin' Donuts in Pakistan. And, if so, do people hear the following when they drive their ox-cart up: "Mornin' ya'll, welcum tew Dunkin' Donuts. Mah name is Chip. Can I talk you'ins inta gettin' a heapin' order a deep-fried crullers?"
      Probably not.

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  8. Yes, no wonder people end up a Dunkin' Donuts. Starbucks is just so confusing - especially when you haven't had your first cup of coffee in the morning!

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    Replies
    1. Plus, they're called 'barristas.' Who wants to be in a bar first thing in the morning?

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  9. Remember this one, as you repost away at your bay so with a chicken you can play. I avoid these places and their lingo, my speed is bingo haha

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  10. This made me laugh so hard I nearly shot coffee through my nose! And don't worry, it was a basic black coffee made in the confines of my humble kitchen. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Well, thank goodness it wasn't a half-caffe, mocha skinny latte with a dollop of lo-fat whipped cream with a cinnamon stick in it.

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  11. I don't drink much coffee except for one cup in the morning but when I accompany someone to Starbucks I feel like I'm in a foreign country and don't speak the language.

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    Replies
    1. I was a sailor and loved coffee.
      On my first ship in the 70s, sodas were hard to come by (not so nowadays-spoiled kids).
      So, the caffeine monkey climbed aboard my back over thirty years ago.

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  12. J'adore Starbucks and look for one of their stores everywhere I travel; takes the edge off my nerves (yeah, yeah, I know caffeine's a stimulant, don't muddy the waters with facts, Penwasser). Anyway. Love me some 'bucks, but LOLed throughout this entire post. Bravo, Al. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Truth be known, I actually like Starbucks, snooty ordering procedures notwithstanding.
      Plus, they have these cool little chocolate covered biscotti thingies.

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  13. Hahaahahahahahaahahaha I'm laughing so hard right now that my brain is turning circles inside my head (which is possibly just quite simply a symptom of vertigo), this has cracked me up so much. Mainly because it's basically taken the thoughts that I get during visits to Starbucks out of my brain and put them down into a blog. I've always been scared of ordering anything that isn't the nice and simple "tall", which ironically is their smallest coffee. I love how frivolous you make their policy of sending money to the rainforest is and quite simply you're spot on because it really is frivolous, like it's just done for good publicity.

    Despite all my gripes with Starbucks, including UK tax invasion they remain my favourite place to get coffee when I'm away from my own town since we don't have any Starbucks in my town because I just enjoy the coffee. But funnily enough today a "Cafe Nero" which you might have sent me a tweet about earlier now I think about it making this comment redundant opened up in town, Cafe Nero is basically a rival to Starbucks over here and they gave away free coffees (as many as you pleased) from 4-6 today as a way of introducing themselves into the town and their coffee for me was a huge success! Maybe it's Starbucks time to move over!

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    1. I hope, if you DO end up in Starbucks, you'll think of this.
      I hope you write more about Cafe Nero. Any coffee shop named after a homicidal Roman emperor sure gets my attention.

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  14. Ain't it the truth! I have yet to patron a Starbucks. Not a coffee drinker. (Or a tea drinker if you're interested.) I'd have no idea how to order in that place. Funny stuff! Great repost!

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    1. Like I told Steve above, I really became mostly a coffee when I was on my first ship in the 70s. Cokes at sea were pretty rare and they stopped giving us grog. Lol.

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  15. I love my coffee. Plain, black. I will take Dunkin Donuts over SB anyday. Nothing better than coffee from a Jersey diner though!!

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    Replies
    1. Agree, agree, agree, and agree. Although Wawa coffee isn't so bad.

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  16. I remember this one, and it was still funny the second time around! Hope you haven't resurrected any actual coffee though!

    Julie

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  17. I love this post! I haven't been to a Starbucks in ages. It sounds like I'll have to do some studying up before I go next...

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    1. Save yourself the trouble. Go to Dunkin' Donuts and order an "X-Tra Large." Just make sure you don't order a "regular" if you want it black. A "regular" in Connecticut (I won't speak for all of New England) will get you cream and two sugars. Don't know if that's the practice where you are.

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  18. I feel this way every time I order coffee from a specialty coffee place like Starbucks! We live in the backwoods so the closest thing we have to a coffee shop is the local gas station or my husband's real estate office and the options are small or large and leaded or unleaded. But from time to time we leave our little map dot and head to the metropolis of Branson...they have a Starbucks. I have to say, the best coffee shop coffee I have ever had though was in this little hole in the wall in Eureka Springs, AR. Second to that was at Einstein Bros. Take that Starbucks...you're third on the list.

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    1. And the best coffee I have is from our Keurig in the kitchen. It tastes good and there's no pretentious little snot telling me I wanted a "Venti."

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  19. Recycled or not, you always make me laugh. Your recycled posts do too. That's why we love, and are perplexed by, you.

    xoRobyn

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    1. It's a sickness I have. Hey, you know what? The son of a good friend lives in Chico. I liked his webpage, Chico Life. Small world.

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