Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Technology-It's a Wonderful Thing

    My camping trip to Rhode Island was wonderful (thankfully, Burlingame is a STATE park and
"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!
Did someone say 'Cornhole'?"
wasn't shut down by a spiteful "Up Yours!" federal government).  We drank, ate, told stories, built a campfire, drank a little more, made rude noises, shot some golf, drank on the course, played a game called 'Cornhole,' had some chips, peed in the woods, sharpened sticks, laughed, switched from 'Coors Lite' to 'Bud Lite' (I'm watching my weight), incinerated Jiffy Pop, and just had a great time among family, some of whom are still talking to me.
    
   
"'Alcohol Strictly Prohibited.'  
Huh.  Well, whaddya know?"
Anyway, on the way back home, I needed to use one of those "Oh-So-Delightful" Rest Stops on the Merritt Parkway in Connecticut.  After asking the attendant (whose native language couldn't possibly be English) where the rest rooms were, I availed myself of the facilities to use the...uh...facilities.  While I have no trouble wetting down a tree in the woods, there was no way I was going to "drop trou" and lay a Lincoln Log in the middle of what I'm sure is poison ivy.  

    
    Meaning, Al had to do a wicked "Number Two."

    I noticed, as I walked in, that the Mens Room looked to be fully automatic.  There was a "Hands Free" soap dispenser, faucet, and paper towel machine available.  What's more (WARNING:  probably a case of "TMI" ahead), the urinals and toilets were automatic flushers.


I actually felt like a Jedi Knight with this thing.
"Give me a paper towel"
It was that crappy, foamy soap (unlike this picture).
I would have used my cel phone camera to take actual shots of everything,
but I didn't want Sanjay to call the cops
on "that creepy infidel taking pictures in the crapper." 
Hot.  Cold.  How does it know?



    As I marveled at all these "Gee Whiz" items, I couldn't help but ponder on what would be the next step in the "Lavatorial Revolution."  Hey, I had to do something.  I left my reading material in the truck.  And I didn't want to take a chance on dropping my cel phone in the bowl while playing Words With Friends.


    Now that I think of it, I wonder how many points I could get for "shit?"

What about toilets that not only flush, but automatically wipe before you're ready to go (after you've gone, of course.  Isn't English a remarkably versatile language?).  However, that seemed skeevy to me.  Plus, what if the robotic arm got a little too aggressive in its ministrations?
 
Yep, I'd have to change which rest room I used.
On the other hand, my prostate would be good to go.
There's that word 'go' again.


But, on the other hand?

A urinal which automatically shakes?  Now there's a concept I can get behind.
OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!
Did someone say 'behind'?




Except I'd probably never leave the bathroom. 


There are worse things, I suppose.

35 comments:

  1. You've got a sick mind, dude. And since I laughed while reading your post, that can only mean my mind isn't feeling too well, either.

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  2. An automatic butt wiper? Now that would be interesting! Do they come in different sizes?

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    1. Ooh, I never thought of that. Imagine if you were a small person and selected "Large." You'd run the risk of having your testicles rubbed off. Well, not you. You know what I mean.

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  3. Laughed all the way through this. Seriously. I had a PTSD-inducing experience at a restroom this week. I don't think it had been cleaned since the 70s. Looked like a Law and Order crime scene.

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    1. So what you're saying is that you probably hovered...?

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  4. haha don't they have automatic butt wipers somewhere in the world? A fountain of water with high pressure comes up and cleans you out I think. Not sure on the shaker though, after it shook one too many it might get worn and rough.

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  5. Worse things? Like showing a Richard Simmons work-out dvd while you're going. Then again, that would likely cure constipation.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Yeah, you'd wanna get done with your business and get the hell out of there.

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  6. The Japanese have taken the next step and the next three steps after that. Their lavatories clean your butt with a powerful upward jet of water while playing Baby It's You by the Shirelles. How about setting up a Paypal account for donations to send you on a trip there?

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    Replies
    1. Ass Washers aren't what I'm interested in.
      Give me Sex Robots!

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  7. You need to read my Readwave post about my idea for the toilet of my dreams. It's probably in yours too! Btw...if it's not Jersey, now it's Connecticut? That's my "home" state. Don't pick on me Al!

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    1. I think I shall.
      Yep. Born and raised in Connecticut.
      Got the hell out of there in 1976 and I only go back because my family still lives there.
      I sure miss Mrs. Penwasser and the kids, though.

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  8. Check you out Al haha, with the alcohol in a non alcohol zone, this post is so funny, some of the ideas you talk about are awesome, I don't know about that urinal though!

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    1. I am such a rebel, I know.
      But it WAS LITE beer, after all.

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  9. That sounds llke quite a bit of high technology for a roadside stop. Glad you weren't accosted in the woods by those blue Poopy bears from those commercials.

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    1. They were too busy trying to find toilet paper.
      Those damn raccoons, though....

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  10. I couldn't say goodbye without checking you out one last time Al. It's good to end on a low note.

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    1. I usually shoot for the lowest common denominator.
      Fare thee well, my friend.

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  11. I hate those paper towel dispensers. I never thought of the Jedi angle though. Next time I may have to say, " You are the paper towel I am looking for".

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    1. Do it. It will make you giggle. And someone giggling in the bathroom will really freak out that chick in the stall.

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  12. the native language remark makes me wonder how many people honestly think they speak American.

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    1. Reminds me of the joke about people who speak:
      Three languages-trilingual
      Two languages-bilingual
      One language-American

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  13. I wonder why public toilets are referred to as "bathrooms" in North America. Unless, you are deciding to have a bath in a shaking urinal, y'all.

    You want horror? Go use a French public toilet!

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    1. And some of them are called 'rest rooms.' Ain't no resting going on in there. Poop and get out.

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  14. A urinal that "shakes" for guys? Most men wouldn't even need a wife. And then where would we be? Civilization . . . collapse.

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    1. But we'd have plumbing to give us a hand.

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  15. you should have known better. Drinking Bud Light will result in the screaming shitz!

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    1. Nope, that cork didn't pop until the rest stop.

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  16. I went hiking last week in a state park. Before I left, my mom said that it would probably be closed because of the government crap. That's when I packed my bandit hat and a lock pick. I'll be DAMNED if The Man's gonna keep me out of the Forrest.

    Much to my disappointment, the park was open.... So I put my "Fuck the Man" handmade sign away and went about my hike. Jerks.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. I thought the same thing about Burlingame.
      Although, instead of setting fires, I was going to drink all my beer and vomit on a ranger.

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  17. This is kind of like a drive- thru car wash with extra perks! Great idea Al!

    Julie

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  18. I spend enough time in the toilet as it is. If automatic shakers and wipers were introduced, they'd need two hefty security guards to get me out of there.

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