Saturday, October 12, 2013

Goodbye Columbus-A Repost

Now I just know most of you have read this.  But, it's either this or nothing because I've gone camping this weekend.  Yep, my brothers and I went to the same place we went to in August. Another chance to commune with nature, enjoy good-natured tales around a campfire, and pee in the woods.  Until next week, enjoy!!

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The following is a repost from last year.  Which was probably a repost from the year before.  Anyway, like I've said in previous bouts of laziness, holidays (or Columbus Day which is kinda like a holiday.  Like Flag Day) are perfect excuses for reruns.  If you don't believe me, how many times have you seen A Charlie Brown Christmas?  That thing is almost as old as I am. 
  Plus, I'm watching the baseball playoffs.  (NOTE from 2013 Al:  Actually, I'm camping.  But I think you knew that).
  Better than a sleeping pill.

My hair is such a frikkin' mess-thank God this goofy hat covers it.  
We didn't have the Hair Cuttery in the 15th Century, ya know.  
But we had the plague and the Inquisition.
    
     I love October.  

    The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts warn of the coming winter. 

   
    October also lets us celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).


"I said 'Sit the F down!"


    In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.


     So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of bed linen (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they only had these sheets!!”).


     As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Boxing Day.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.


 
"Hey, I don't give a crap
what the school district says.
My kids get the frikkin' day off.
Capiche?"
    More times than not, we hardly know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day! Too bad you hadda  work! Ha, ha, ha!”


     My family for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous. For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a nursing school.


     For some reason, though, we never did much to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"


     In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history right behind invention of “The Clapper,” might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:


Apparently, Northern Indians were more
bad ass than the ones down south


10. Slash the tires of those obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.


9. Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.


8. Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.


7. Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrateCOLUMBO Day.


6. Grab some library books, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Chrisville.’ Draw moustaches and bucked teeth on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.


5. Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.


4. Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as
General Tso.
The big chicken.
Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you people were all hiding!”


3. Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Labor Day.


2. With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.


1. Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.


There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank.


     But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get yourself a cannoli.


     Chris would’ve wanted it that way.








To my good friends north of the border: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! May your harvest tables be blessed with bountiful feasts and happily free of moose pies.
Martin Frobisher
See?
Canada is more than Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, and Leonard Nimoy.
“Sure, our Thanksgiving makes more sense than eating outside in Massachusetts in November, but you'd think those cheap bastards in Ottawa would've thrown us a four-day weekend, eh?"

32 comments:

  1. My friend, who I have to add is American, actually had no idea which specific holiday it was coming up. She'll be pleased to know she was right with her guess of Columbus Day. Have fun camping and don't forget to answer the most pressing question known to mankind; "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

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  2. OMG! I've been doing number 7 for all these years. My family never said anything. Those Bastards!

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    1. See how those family traditions can get you?

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  3. Replies
    1. Without checking Google, I'm pretty sure. Okay, I'll check.

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    2. Okay, Nimoy was born in Boston. Shatner was born in Canada. My bust. Good catch. Well, it's midnight and everyone has gone to bed while I sit by the fire, kinda drunk. Think I'll turn in,

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  4. The cat will sail in his litterbox and dig a big hole, accidentally discovering a new mass left there the other day, then go eat some food that isn't moose. Two holidays in one

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  5. I didn't know there were Vulcans in Canada.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, I was in error. He's American. See? You cant trust the Internet.

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  6. I know it's a re-post. I know you're out playing happy camper with your brothers. I get that. But, in all that is holy...you need to put a comment under the Soprano's photo in memory of James Gandolfini. I mean he was the symbolic face of Joisey! More than Chris Columbus!

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    Replies
    1. Like a patron saint. Well, the beer's gone and everyone's asleep. What am I doing here?????

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  7. Good one, Al I don't blame ya for running it again. (And for every Columbus Day in the future.)

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    Replies
    1. Wait'll you see reposts for Halloween, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas! Ill try to slide new stuff in.

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  8. My daughter had to write an article for the school paper on Columbus Day.
    Usually government workers are happy to have another 3 day week-end. I think this year may be a little different.
    And don't forget, he brought the first wild pigs to the Americas.
    And he may have been the first fanatical Christian in these parts.

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  9. But he wasn't the last. See: Pat Robertson.

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    Replies
    1. LOL that made me literally laugh out loud

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    2. I hope you got the General Tso joke. I hope it wasn't too subtle.

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    3. I'm confused. Are you calling Pat Robertson a pig or a fanatical Christian?

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    4. Could I have both for $500, Alex?
      True story: last April, Mrs. Penwasser and I attended a wedding (which we affectionately called "The Trailer Park Hoedown") at Regents University (which used to be called "Christian Broadcasting University") in Virginia Beach. It pretty much is a Republican enclave (FULL DISCLOSURE: while I am no longer a Republican, my political views do swing conservative) and, thus, Pat Robertson's baby. It is a very conservative school which would like to be all things puritan, including aversion to alcohol. Sadly (for them probably) if you're a completely dry institution, the money does not follow. So they have to keep the hotel bar working. Still, they frown on alcohol. So, I found it somewhat comical (and more than a tad ironic) that a carload of young twenty-somethings stopped their car in front of the main entrance and dumped a garbage bag full of beer cans in a trash containers.

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  10. I suppose if Chris hadn't sailed the blue we would have ended up with two Cincinnati's?
    Happy camping!

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    Replies
    1. Or New Jersey. So it's kind of a double-edged sword.

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  11. I like number 6. I'm going to go to my local library and try that. Oh, but wait. Aren't they closed for the holiday? I guess I'll just have to break in. ;)

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  12. I remember this post Al and it still makes me laugh, Christopher Columbus really is a true pioneer.

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  13. And Vespucci screwed him.
    Columbus' story is ultimately a sad one.

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  14. Even though I live down under I have heard of Columbus Day, but then again good ole Christopher Columbus didn't visit us as far as I know.

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  15. I agree with Susan that you should continue running this post on every Columbus Day! Hope your having a fun camping trip Al!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Oops, it's you're not your. Sorry about that.

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    2. Grammar, schmammar, no worries.
      BTW, much beer was consumed.

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