Sunday, October 6, 2013

At Least I Don't Smoke


NOTE: reading material on my left

    There's an old saying, "The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree."  

  That may be somewhat applicable here.

   I like to read blogs written by people with talent.  Or, more specifically, people with talent who make me laugh.  So, it was with the Wednesday Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!  which described something called "Poopouri Spray."  It's a no-kidding product which helps you...wait, what am I doing?  You'll just have to click on the link yourself to find out.  Put it this way, you'll laugh at the same time you'll be going (hmm..."going"...poor choice of words perhaps?) "Ewwwww!!!"  

  Anyway, I commented that the spray reminded me of an episode from my childhood.

  My father wasn't terribly modest.  Thankfully, he never pranced about the house naked-that would have been too much and would have gotten him arrested even in the 60s.  

  What I mean is that he was a little, shall we say, casual about his bathroom habits.

  The one bathroom that we had was at the end of a hallway at the top of our stairs.  Family members or, God help us, visitors were treated to the vision of our toilet as they ascended to the second floor.  This was even before the old man swathed the bowl, bathtub, and floor in shag carpet, it was kinda skeevy.

 Thankfully, not too many people visited.

 The old man, for whatever frikkin' reason, refused to shut the door when he had to...uh...go (see why I thought "going" was a poor choice of words?).  Now, standing up for #1 (so to speak) wasn't too bad because he was usually quick, but, sadly, not accurate (remember the shag carpet? Oh.  Yeah.)

  However, when he decided he had to do the other nasty bit o' business, he still left the door open.  So, we children were treated to a Lavatorial Wizard of Oz whenever we went upstairs.

  He made things worse by bringing a copy of the Bridgeport Post with him and lighting up a butt before placing his butt on the bowl.  Apparently, he planned to stay, thus generating a funk which would creep down the stairs and into the kitchen like a noisome fog.

  Hmmm, how ya like supper?

  I remember one day hearing these horrific screams coming from the bathroom.  Fearing the worst, I rushed upstairs along with my brothers to see our father, madly jumping up and down, pants around his ankles, smacking himself in the crotch with the paper.

  Apparently, he got a little too cavalier about flicking his ashes in the bowl and ended up setting his pubes on fire.

  Reading this, I'm sure you've arrived at a couple conclusions:
  1.  Is it any wonder that I am like I am?
and
  2.  Cancer and lung-related maladies aren't the only reason smoking is hazardous for your health.


Hey, I'm not at the top of the stairs anyway.

 




39 comments:

  1. That is almost unreal. My brother has smoked on the toilet before but he's yet to light his pubes on fire. Now I will actually be waiting for the day he does, because it will be utterly hilarious.

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  2. Oh, it was.
    And part of the rich tapestry which forms the luxurious fabric of my childhood.

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  3. Good thing there wasn't any lingering cleaner in the toilet or he would have blown his arse right up!

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    Replies
    1. Dumb Ass In Orbit!
      That should be on Pay-Per-View.

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  4. Hysterical. And, I'd just like to inform you, that as the neighborhood mail lady, this type of thing STILL happens. Yes, as it would have it, one of the girls from work had a certified for one of her house. She went up to the ALL GLASS front door, rang the bell, and then looked to her horror directly down the hallway into the open door of the fully utilized bathroom. Thankfully, the man did not get up.

    Still doesn't top my guy who came to the door FULLY naked, but it was funny just the same.

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    Replies
    1. I guess he didn't have a banana in his pocket.
      So.....was he just happy to see you?

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    2. He (thankfully) covered with one hand, signed for his mail order cigarettes with the other. It's been five years or so, I still have never seen him fully dressed... he's never got a shirt on.

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    3. But did he have a butt in his mouth ?
      Ewwwww......now there's an unfortunate phrase.

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  5. Reminds me of the local high school's old football stadium's bathrooms. It was one of the last years for the school (they were building a new campus elsewhere) and all the stalls in the mens room had no doors period.

    There was a person in there that had to use the stall, and I'm sure he wasn't terrible happy.

    You'd think they'd be kind enough to install maybe a plastic curtain or something?

    Makes you wonder where the ticket sales goes to.

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    Replies
    1. The bathroom stalls on my first ship had plastic shower curtains in front of the bowls. Yep. They were as nasty as you'd think.

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  6. LMAO now there is a warning every cigarette package should have on it

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    Replies
    1. "Be careful around your pubes"
      Incidentally, the idiot never learned his lesson. Another time, when smoking on the terlet, he flicked a coal onto his...uh...well NOT the hairs.
      More screaming ensued. The upside is that no "maritals" went on in the Penwasser Master Bedroom for awhile. Which is why I think there was a span of five years between my third brother and my fourth.

      Delete
  7. My step dad used to walk around the house naked, and he was a ginger...so his pubes always looked like they were on fire. There are some unfortunate images that stay with you forever... I'm so glad we're on a "father's pubes sharing" level now, Al. ;P

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like a redheaded Jimmy Durante.

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    2. I can only imagine the stories my kids will tell about me. I never lit my groin on fire but there was this one time I walked around the upstairs naked at 5 am and my son-what the hell was he doing up?-stepped out of the bathroom.
      It was five days before he got his sight back.

      Delete
  8. Flaming pubic hairs! What a great story. As to poopouri, this is a man-only product because, as everyone knows, women don't do number twos; their waste products evaporate out of the tops of their heads and smells like hair-spray!

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    Replies
    1. We don't fart either (we fluffy)

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    2. I vividly recall the first time I heard a girl...uh...fluff (my sister doesn't count. She wasn't a girl. She was my SISTER). Anyway, I was a senior in high school and the neighbor girl (a sophomore) was showing off her gymnastics moves (I don't know if she was flirting. I was kinda dense then. I know what you're thinking: THEN!?). Anyway, as she went up into a "bridge" (when she bent backwards on all fours-sounds dirtier than it was), there came this almost imperceptible PFFFTTTT. She collapsed onto her back, gave a strangled little squeak of anguish, and ran home. I didn't see her again until springtime.
      No, it didn't smell. TMI?

      Delete
    3. It actually was one of the funniest things I had seen in my childhood. Along with when he set his shirt on fire at the stove when lighting a cigarette, set the insulation on fire when he put in a new light switch, and set the porch on fire when he used a blowtorch to get rid of old paint.
      Hmm, I think the old man had a problem with fire.

      Delete
  9. I find it so funny that you guys basically are the exact same kind of people, maybe it was fortunate that there weren't visitors just too often haha!

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    Replies
    1. He was taller.
      He's dead now, too.
      So...

      Delete
  10. And yet, you're pretty darn cute in that picture. In the one at the top too. And your dad gave you a crapload of good stories.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Since you've read Shag Carpet Toilet, you know that to be true!

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  11. The written visual was too much. LOL
    At deer camp we stalk the guy on the toilet so soon as he is up the next one sits down so the seat doesn't get cold. Being first sucks! Especially if it snowed over night.

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  12. The Great Outdoors....the red headed twins see the bathroom door ajar and watch their Dad scratch his butt as he's shaving. Thinking of that movie made me laugh out loud just now. And I would expect no less of you for sharing why you are like you are! Too funny!!!!

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  13. Replies
    1. The sad thing? There are many, many more stories like that.

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  14. I knew smoking could be hazardous to your health but I didn't know it could be dangerous for your scrot!

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  15. That Surgeon General just keeps some things to himself, huh?

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  16. I think your father had it spot on, we should make an enjoyable event out of these tedious daily habits of ours! x

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    Replies
    1. Except I could do without a pubic inferno.

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  17. Oh my goodness thank you for the laugh I needed a laugh today after the morning I had

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    1. Nothing like a Pubic Inferno to tickle the funny bone.
      As long as it's not YOUR pubic region on fire.

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  18. My dad didn't do that, but after going to bed, if he got up in the night to go to the bathroom, he didn't dress. My father slept naked and would just walk naked through the house. If we happened to be up, it was all there. Luckily, this was a middle of the night thing, so we weren't traumatized very often.

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    Replies
    1. But it was still pretty traumatic though, huh?
      What's more, I walked in on my parents...uh..."doing" it. Amazing that I bought my father's line that my mother had a stomachache and he was trying to make her feel better.

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  19. I loved the ad for Poopouri! That must've been pretty frightening seeing your dad like that. Talk about a painful waxing! It probably took a long time before you were able to laugh about it, at least in public anyway.

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. It was pretty funny, wasn't it? The Poopouri, not my dad.

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